Max on Set: The Hangover Page #5

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from last night. Remember?

Yeah. How could someone

have drugged all of us?

VALSH:

I wouldn't worry about it.

The stuff's out of your system.

You're gonna be fine.

Wait, wait, wait. Please, doctor.

Is there anything else?

Like, something we may have been talking

about, or some place we were going?

Actually, there was something.

You guys kept talking about some wedding

last night.

Yeah. No sh*t. Our buddy Doug's

getting married tomorrow.

- You know what? I want the 100 back.

- No, no. Easy.

You kept talking about some wedding

you just came from.

At the, uh, Best Little Chapel.

You kept saying how sick the wedding was

and getting all crazy about it.

Okay, I hope this helps.

I really have to leave.

Best Little Chapel,

do you know where that is?

I do. It's at the corner of Get A Map

and F*** Off.

I'm a doctor, not a tour guide.

Figure it out yourself, okay?

You're big boys.

ALAN:

What about the baby?

PHIL:
Leave him in the car.

We're gonna be five minutes.

STU:

Whoa, we're not leaving a baby in the car.

He'll be fine. I cracked the window.

- What if they don't remember us?

- Well, let's just find out.

I'm sor... Excuse me, sir? Hi.

[EDDIE LAUGHS]

Look at these guys.

What happened? You miss me?

You miss Eddie? You want more from me?

How are you, my friend?

Look at this guy. You're f***ing crazy.

What's going on, man?

Listen, I'm gonna tell you something.

I know some sick people in my life.

This guy is the craziest, wildest bastard

I ever met in my life, man.

- This guy?

- This guy is out of his mind.

What's going on,

you f***ing crazy motherf***er?

I thought he was gonna eat my dick.

What happened?

No love for Eddie? You don't hug me?

No, no. It's not that, Eddie.

Uh, it's just that we're having a hard time

remembering what happened here last night.

Yeah, was there a wedding here?

Do you do weddings here?

[LAUGHS]

You are cracking my balls, man.

I love these guys.

Zolea, what are you doing?

Bring my friends some tea,

some baklava, huh? Come on.

Unbelievable, man. Look at this chick.

Beautiful ass, no f***ing brain.

But this is Vegas. You want intimacy,

forget it. You're gonna get sex.

That's it here, man.

No problem for me, though.

You want chicks?

I can get you beautiful chicks...

...from the Eastern Bloc. No questions.

Clean, tight.

The tits like that, the nipple like that.

Obviously we were here.

We're looking for our friend Doug.

- Do you remember?

- Yeah, the small guy. Like a monkey.

- Yeah.

- You saw him?

Of course.

Is there anything you can tell us about

what may have happened last night?

You don't remember nothing?

[STU GROANS]

- Congratulations, Stu, you got married.

- This... This can't be happening.

- Oh, God.

ALAN:
Look at that.

[STU GROANING]

I'll tell you one thing,

you look seriously happy here, man.

STU:

That's it. My life is over.

Stu, it's okay. Look, sh*t happens.

Come on. Melissa's not gonna know

anything about this.

- This never happened. I'll take care of it.

- Come on. Put it here.

Hey, what's all that?

The High Roller package.

It's what you ordered. I have coffee mugs.

- What?

EDDIE:
You have baseball caps, huh?

And fancy calendars, all with pictures

of Stu and Jade.

PHIL:

Her name's Jade?

Yeah, and she's beautiful, man.

Clean, very tight. Tits like that.

- But that's because she had a baby.

PHIL:
That explains the baby.

- Oh, Carlos. Carlos.

- Great. All right.

Uh, here's the deal.

We made a mistake last night.

We need this marriage annulled.

You do annulments?

Of course I do. It breaks my heart

and gonna make me sad...

...but it's no problem.

Good price for you.

I can't do it with just him, though.

I need the chick. I need both parties.

Oh, not a problem. That's great.

Isn't that great, Stu?

Come on, buddy.

She probably knows where Doug is.

- Awesome.

- All right, all right. Okay. Uh...

We need her address.

She filled out some paperwork, right?

Of course.

Hey. Excuse me. What is the matter

with you? Go and get the paperwork, man.

- I spend my life waiting for you. Come on.

- Okay. I'm going.

EDDIE:

And get the baklava, please.

- Hey, Phil, what about my dad's car?

- I'm sure Doug has it. We'll get it back.

Then I vote we torch the cop car

and all this sh*t with it.

- Torch it? Who are you?

- I don't know, Phil.

Apparently I'm a guy who marries

complete strangers.

This whole situation is completely f***ed.

- These mugs. This hat. This car.

- Hey!

It's all evidence

of a night that never happened.

That is why we're torching all of it.

Whoa, I'm a schoolteacher,

I got a family, okay?

I'm all for secrecy,

but I'm not gonna torch a cop car.

- Fine. I'll do it.

- Can I help?

- Yeah, thanks.

- And how exactly are you gonna do that?

Easy. You just pour kerosene over a ferret,

light it on both ends, put it in.

They're attracted to the gas lines.

- What? A ferret?

- Yeah. Yeah.

Or a tamed raccoon,

but it's a lot of trouble.

ALAN:
If you wanna...

- Does it matter if it's tamed?

Yeah, because if it's untamed,

it won't take the kerosene as well.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

PHIL:
Is it Doug?

- I don't have it.

PHIL:

It's Doug, it's Doug.

Uh, it's Melissa.

- Don't answer.

- I have to. She's called twice already!

- Can I ride shotgun?

PHIL:
Don't touch me.

Hey, sweetheart, how are you?

There you are.

This is the third time I'm trying you.

I know. The reception up here's crazy.

I think it's all the sequoia trees,

block the signal.

Ugh, I hate that.

So how was it last night?

Ah, it was really fun, actually.

It was quiet, but it was a good time.

MELISSA:

That sounds nice.

- I'm learning all kinds of vino factoids.

- Hi.

[BABBLES]

It'd be so cool if I could breast-feed,

you know?

STU:

Well, listen...

...we're about to go for a tractor ride.

PHIL:
What the f***?

STU:
I should get going. So pretty.

MELISSA:
A tractor ride?

[BASEBALL BAT THUDS]

- Go, out of the car!

- What was that?

They started up the tractor.

I think it backfired.

- Where the hell is he?

PHIL:
Hey, easy, easy.

I think we're looking for

the same guy, okay?

Hey! What the hell, man?

[CRYING]

MELISSA:
What the f***, Stu?

Is that a baby?

Why would there be a baby?

We're at a winery. That's a goat.

- Where is he?

- I don't know! What are you talking about?

Sir, can you please start the tractor

so we can get out of here?

I'm trying to, but we're f***ing blocked.

Oh, my God!

What the hell is happening, Stu?

- Hey! There's a baby on board!

- Someone just said "baby."

- Get out of the car!

- It's a baby goat.

Why you making trouble

for my business, man?

- Go away from here.

- Get out of the car!

- Phil, he's got a gun!

- No sh*t he's got a gun!

- I gotta call you back. Bye.

- Come on.

PHIL:
F***! Sh*t.

EDDIE:
He shot me!

- He shot Eddie!

- F*** this sh*t!

[SQUEALING]

[SCREAMS]

PHIL:

F***! F***!

Go, go, go!

MAN:

F***.

Okay. Oh, that was some sick sh*t!

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