Max on Set: The Hangover Page #6

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[BABY CRYING]

ALAN:

Who were those guys?

STU:
We're gonna be okay.

Everything's gonna be okay.

What the f*** is going on?!

I have no idea.

[SIGHS]

[PANTING]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Why don't you just let that

go to voicemail?

Ha-ha-ha.

That's a fake laugh, by the way.

It's got, uh, Ted Danson and Magnum

P.I. And that Jewish actor.

Shut up, Alan.

- What room was it again?

- It's 825.

WOMAN:

I know, I did. I already checked with her.

I found him, I'll call you back.

Thank God, he's with his father.

I was freaking out. I missed you, sweetie.

And I miss you.

[JADE MOANING]

No.

- What the hell happened to you guys?

- Actually, we were hoping you could tell us.

What do you mean? I got up this morning,

I went to get coffee...

...and I came back and you were gone.

- Why are you being so quiet?

- I'm not being quiet.

Ha, ha. You're so cute.

Yeah, I gotta feed Tyler.

Come inside, you guys.

Did you hear that? Baby's name is Tyler.

Yeah. I thought he looked

more like a Carlos too, bud.

Okay, what's up?

You guys are acting weird.

- Look, it's Jade, right?

- Very funny, Phil.

Right, Jade, uh, ahem,

you remember our friend, Doug.

Are you kidding? He was the best man.

Exactly. Well, we can't find him,

and we're getting worried.

JADE:

Oh, my God, that is so Doug.

Ha, ha. Oh.

[CRYING]

Oh, sweetie, I'm...

I'm gonna go clean him off.

It's all right, Daddy didn't mean it.

Oh, my God.

What the f***, man,

you gotta hold it together.

- Holy sh*t.

- She is super hot.

- You should be proud of yourself.

- She's wearing my grandmother's ring!

- What?

- The ring I'm gonna give to Melissa.

You remember,

my grandmother's Holocaust ring?

- F***. Okay.

- She's wearing it.

I didn't know they gave out rings

at the Holocaust.

- He's okay.

PHIL:
Oh, good.

JADE:
He was just hungry, he's fine.

- Oh, good.

About last night, uh, ahem, do you

remember the last time you saw Doug?

- Uh, I haven't seen him since the wedding.

- The wedding. Okay. Great.

And, uh, we can't re...

What time was that at?

Well, it was, um...

[CLEARING THROAT]

I guess it was around 1, because I had

to go back to work and finish my shift.

And then when I got out I headed over

to the hotel with Tyler.

And was Doug there then?

I didn't see Doug because you guys

were passed out. The room was a wreck.

- So I just curled up next to Stu.

PHIL:
Uh-huh.

- Rowr.

- Oh.

I got a question.

Um, you said when your shift ended.

Does that mean you're a nurse?

Or a blackjack dealer?

- You know this. I'm a stripper.

- Mm-hm.

Well, technically I'm an escort, but

stripping's a great way to meet the clients.

- Smart.

- Savvy.

But that's all in the past,

now that I married a doctor.

I'm just a dentist.

- Las Vegas Police! Freeze!

- Okay.

[TYLER CRYING]

Shut that baby up! Shut that baby up!

STU:
Oh, God!

PHIL:
Okay, okay, okay.

After we take the mug shots,

we bring them down here...

...where they wait to be interviewed

by the arresting officers.

Trust me, kids, you do not wanna be sitting

on these benches.

We call this place Loserville.

[KIDS LAUGHING]

FOLTZ:

Follow me. All right, let's do it. Come on.

[SHUTTER CLICKS]

Hello.

- Hey, Tracy! It's Phil.

TRACY [OVER PHONE]: Hey, Phil.

- Where are you guys?

- We are at the spa at the hotel.

Cool. We're just getting some sun.

Is Doug around?

Of course. Why wouldn't he be?

I'm just wondering

why you're calling me.

Um...

We made a deal,

no talking to girlfriends or wives.

So we're all calling each other's.

TRACY:

Okay. What's up?

Uh, you are not gonna believe this.

We got comped an extra night at the hotel.

You did?

Yeah. The suite is... It's ridiculous.

It's out of control.

There's, like, room service and a butler.

I mean, just the works.

We're thinking of spending the night...

...and we're gonna come back

in the morning.

You wanna stay an extra night?

But the wedding's tomorrow.

That's why we're gonna get up early,

and we'll be back in plenty of time.

Okay. Are you sure that's a good idea?

Wenneck, Price, Garner. Room 3.

Okay, Trace, I gotta go.

We'll talk to you later.

Uh...

- Come on, chop-chop.

- Okay, spin around.

- That's it.

- Goddamn it.

- Wait a second.

- I'll go over. I'll go over.

PHIL:
Stop pulling.

ALAN:
Can you just...? Hold on.

We got it. Alan, just relax.

And then just... There we go.

Good.

[DOOR OPENS]

Gentlemen.

We've got some good news,

and we've got some bad news.

The good news is

we found your Mercedes.

[PHIL CHUCKLES]

- That's great news.

- That's great. See?

Yeah, it's over at impound right now.

We picked it up at 5 a.m. This morning...

...parked in the middle

of Las Vegas Boulevard.

PHIL:
In the middle. That's weird.

- Yeah, that is weird.

There was also a note.

It says, uh, "Couldn't find a meter,

but here's 4 bucks."

The bad news is...

...we can't get you in front of a judge

until Monday morning.

Oh, no, uh, officer, that's just impossible.

No, we need to be in L.A. Tomorrow

for a wedding.

- You stole a police car.

- We didn't steal anything. Um, we found it.

Yeah, if anything, we deserve a reward

or something, like a trophy.

- I see a**holes like you every day.

- Every f***ing day.

"Let's go to Vegas,

we'll all get drunk and laid!

- Yeah. Whoo! Woo-hoo.

- Woo-hoo.

Let's steal a cop car,

because it'd be really f***ing funny."

Think you gonna get away with it?

Not up in here.

- Not up in here!

- Oh.

Uh...

Sir...

...if I may, um...

...l'm assuming that that squad car

belongs to one of you.

- Yeah.

PHIL:
Yeah.

Look, I'm not a cop.

I'm no hero. I'm a schoolteacher.

But if one of my kids went missing

on a field trip...

...that would look really bad on me.

- What are you getting at?

- Yeah, Phil, what are you getting at?

No one wants to look bad.

We gotta get to a wedding...

...and you guys don't need people

talking about...

...how some obnoxious tourists borrowed

your squad car last night.

But look, the point is,

I think we can work out a deal.

Discreetly of course, ma'am.

What do you say?

[LAUGHS]

FRANKLIN:

Let me ask you a question:

Do, uh, any of you gentlemen

have a heart condition or anything like that?

Uh, no.

Okay, kids,

you're in for a real treat today.

These gentlemen have kindly volunteered

to demonstrate...

...how a stun gun is used

to subdue a suspect.

KIDS:

Ooh!

- That's right.

- Wait a sec. What?

Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun.

Up close and personal.

[SCREAMS]

[LAUGHING]

- What the f***?

- Or you can shoot it from a distance.

Do I have any volunteers? You wanna

come up here and do some shooting? Huh?

All right, how about you, young lady?

Come on up here. All right.

Let's go, handsome, come on.

Not you, fat Jesus, slide it on back.

You, pretty boy.

GIRL:
Fat Jesus.

FRANKLIN:
All right, now, it's real simple.

All you gotta do is point, aim and shoot.

All right?

Okay, look.

You don't really wanna do this.

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