Max on Set: The Hangover Page #7

---

You can do this. Just focus.

Don't listen to this maniac.

Let's think this through.

Finish him!

PHIL:
Oh, f***.

FRANKLIN:
Yeah!

[GRUNTING & FRANKLIN LAUGHING]

Right in the nuts! That was beautiful.

[KIDS LAUGH]

- Well done. Give her a hand, everybody.

- Good job. Good job.

Good job. Well done. Good job.

That was great.

Good. Hey, we got one more charge left.

Anybody wanna do some shooting up here?

How about you, big man?

Come on up here.

Okay, same instructions.

Just point, aim and shoot.

There you go. That's the stuff.

I like the intensity.

Eye of the tiger. Good.

You're holding 50,000 volts, little man.

Don't be afraid to ride the lightning.

[GRUNTING]

In the face! In the face!

[LAUGHING]

Oh, he's still up. He's still up.

- Aah!

- No.

All right, everybody relax, take it easy.

We've seen it before.

He just needs a little extra charge.

There we go.

[FRANKLIN & GARDEN LAUGHING]

Some of these big boys,

you gotta give them two shots.

All right, kids, who wants to get their

fingerprints done, huh? Come on, let's go.

STU:

F*** those guys, you hear me?

That was bullshit.

I'm telling everybody we stole a cop car.

- They let us go, who cares?

- I care!

You can't just do that. You can't just

tase people because you think it's funny.

That's police brutality.

I'm getting a soda.

Do you guys want anything?

No.

My man doesn't shut up. Jesus Christ.

Alan, you okay?

I'm just worried.

What if something happened to Doug?

Something bad.

Come on, you can't think like that.

I mean, what if he's dead?

I can't afford to lose anybody

close to me again. It hurts too much.

- I was so upset when my grandpa died.

- Oh, I'm s... How'd he die?

- World War II.

- Died in battle?

No, he was skiing in Vermont.

It was just during World War II.

Alan...

...Doug is fine.

- Well, why hasn't he called?

I don't know,

but we're gonna figure it out.

I'll tell you another thing,

Stu, not now.

No, how much do you wanna bet

it's f***ed beyond recognition?

That's enough. Alan's seriously worried,

okay? Let's not freak him out any more.

Sorry, Alan.

You know what?

We'll search the car for clues

and everything's gonna be okay.

[CAR APPROACHING]

PHIL:
Oh, sh*t. I can't watch.

Just tell me what it looks like.

STU:

Not looking. Not looking.

- Wow. All right.

PHIL:
Oh, thank God.

You see?

It's gonna be all right.

- Anything?

STU:
Hmm, I got a cigar.

Oh, I found, uh...

These are some black shoes.

- They women's shoes?

- I don't know.

- Whose are those?

- I don't know. It's a men's size 6.

- That's weird.

- What is this, a snakeskin?

Oh, come on! Ew!

- That's a used condom, Alan.

- Oh, God. Blech!

- Get it out of the car.

STU:
Gross, it's wet.

- I don't want the thing.

- Hey! Come on.

I got jizz on me. Jesus Christ, guys!

STU:
Get it out.

PHIL:
F***!

Oh, my God.

All right, what the f***, man?

We gotta get this sh*t together, guys!

[THUMPING ON METAL]

What was that?

It's in the trunk.

- Doug's in the trunk.

PHIL:
Oh, f***! Holy sh*t!

Holy sh*t!

- Open it! Open it! Open it!

PHIL:
Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

[MAN & PHIL GRUNTING]

ALAN:

Oh God!

Please! Please! Please stop!

[STU GRUNTING]

Whoa. I'm with you, I'm with you!

- You gonna f*** on me?

- Nobody's gonna f*** on you!

We're on your side. I hate Godzilla!

I hate him too. I hate him!

He destroys cities! Please!

This isn't your fault.

I'll get you some pants.

[GRUNTING]

PHIL:

What the f*** was that?

STU:
I have internal bleeding.

Somebody call 911.

That was some f***ed up sh*t.

Who was that guy? He was so mean.

Guys, there's something

I need to tell you.

Last night on the roof,

before we went out...

...I slipped something

in our Jgermeister.

- What?

- I'm sorry, I fudged up, guys.

- You drugged us?

- No, I didn't drug you.

I was told it was ecstasy.

Well, who told you it was ecstasy?

The guy I bought it from

at the liquor store.

Why would you give us ecstasy?

I wanted everybody to have a good time

and I knew you guys wouldn't take it.

It was just one hit each.

I used to do three hits a night.

But it wasn't ecstasy, Alan,

it was roofies!

ALAN:

You think I knew that, Stu?

The guy I bought it from

seemed like a real straight shooter.

You mean the drug dealer at the liquor store

wasn't a good guy?

Let's just calm down.

You f***ing calm down! He drugged us.

I lost a tooth. I married a whore.

- How dare you! She's a nice lady.

- You are such a f***ing moron.

- Your language is offensive.

STU:
F*** you!

All right,

let's just take a deep breath, okay?

Seriously, this is a good thing.

At least it's not some stranger who

drugged us for God knows what reason.

Yeah, you're right, Phil,

it's totally a good thing.

We're so much better off now.

Here's something

I would like to remind you two of:

Our best friend Doug is probably

facedown in a ditch right now...

...with a meth-head butt-f***ing

his corpse.

- That's highly unlikely.

- It's true.

Does not help.

All right, let's get our sh*t together, guys.

Let's go back to the hotel,

and I'm gonna make a couple calls.

Maybe Doug's back there.

Maybe he's asleep.

Come on. Let's go.

- Stu? Little help?

STU:
Shut up.

ALAN:
Ow.

- Oh, God. Oh, God, are you okay?

ALAN:
Yeah, I'm fine.

- Alan, I'm sorry.

Wait, guys. Guys.

What about the tiger?

What if he got out?

Oh, f***. I keep forgetting

about the goddamn tiger.

How the f*** did he get in there?

- I don't know, because I don't remember.

- Shh. Stu. Stu, keep it down.

Because one of the, uh, side effects of, uh,

roofies is memory loss.

You are literally too stupid to insult.

- Thank you.

- Hey.

[PHIL COLLINS' "IN THE AIR TONIGHT"

PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Hey, come on.

Did we leave the music on?

Hey. Shh.

Don't make any sudden movements.

- Unh. Whoa!

- Aah!

- Who the hell are you?

- No, who are you?

MAN:

Quiet, quiet.

Mike Tyson?

Shh. This is my favorite part

coming up right now.

[MIKE SINGING "IN THE AIR TONIGHT"]

Need a chorus line, guys.

[SINGING CHORUS]

[CONTINUES SINGING]

One more time, guys.

[SINGING CHORUS]

PHIL:

Oh, Jesus!

Oh, f***!

Why did you do that?

Mr. Tyson would like to know

why is his tiger in your bathroom.

Hold on,

that was completely unnecessary.

I'm a huge fan.

When you knocked out Holmes, that was...

Explain.

All right, look, we were drugged last night.

We have no memory of what happened.

STU:

It's true.

We got in all kinds of trouble last night

and now we can't find our friend.

If you wanna kill us,

go ahead because I don't care anymore.

- What are you talking about?

- I don't care.

Why the f***

would you wanna steal his tiger?

We tend to do dumb sh*t

when we're f***ed up.

- I don't believe these guys, man.

- Wait, how did you guys find us?

One of you dropped your jacket.

Found it in the tigers' cage this morning.

That's Doug's.

Yeah, Doug.

His wallet and his room key is in there.

- No, that's our missing friend.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes