Max on Set: The Hangover Page #8

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LEONARD:
I don't give a f***.

- Did you guys see him?

MIKE:
I was fast asleep.

Because if he was up, this

wouldn't have gone down so smoothly.

Maybe one of the tigers

ate his ass like Omar.

Respect.

Wha... What happened to Omar?

Oh, don't worry about Omar,

he's not with us no more.

Okay, I know this is asking a lot...

...but do you think we could

go to your house and look around...

...see if there's any clues?

Absolutely. How else you think

we're gonna get the tiger back anyway?

- Come on, champ.

- I'm sorry?

We're not gonna put it in the Bentley.

You brought it here, you bring it back.

What you think, about 40 minutes?

Don't make me come back for him.

- That was Mike Tyson.

- Yeah, no sh*t that was Mike Tyson.

I'm just saying, he's still got it.

PHIL:

Alan.

Bud, are you okay?

STU:
Oh, my God.

- Sh*t!

F***, where'd he get him?

Hey.

STU:

This does not seem fair.

PHIL:
It's Rock, Paper, Scissors.

There's nothing more fair.

- Alan should do it.

- Alan took a punch from Mike Tyson.

Come on. For Doug.

Why are you peppering the steak?

You don't know if tigers like pepper.

Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon.

Phil, just do it. You should do it.

I would, but you lost.

It wouldn't be right.

Okay, I jammed five roofies in there.

Just go in there and throw it in to him.

Fine.

Make sure he eats the whole thing.

F***.

Oh, f***.

Hey, kitty.

Hey, sweetie, it's okay.

I got a little snack for you.

Real important that you eat this, okay?

Yeah, just have a little...

[TIGER ROARING]

[SCREAMS]

Sh*t!

[PANTING]

What do we do now?

We wait.

[SINGING]

What do tigers dream of

When they take a little tiger snooze?

Do they dream of mauling zebras

Or Halle Berry in her catwoman suit?

Don't you worry your pretty striped head

We're gonna get you back to Tyson

And your cozy tiger bed

And then we're gonna find

Our best friend Doug

And then we're gonna give him

A best-friend hug

Doug

Doug

Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug

But if he's been murdered

By crystal-meth tweakers

[TIGER GROANS AND THUDS]

Well, then we're sh*t out of luck

By the way, we're all gonna die.

ALAN:

Wait.

PHIL:
Oh, God.

ALAN:
Watch it!

STU:

His nose. That's his nose.

Please don't stop. Please don't stop.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Please don't... Goddamn it.

DAD:

I'm gonna beat you! Ha-ha-ha.

Oh... He won again.

[TIGER GROWLING]

- Hey, fellas. Rough night?

STU:
Mm-hm.

Sweetie, stay close to Mama.

- What's this?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Take it easy, little man.

You don't wanna be touching that.

No, partner, that's not your property.

So, what do you guys got under there?

Just a whole bunch of

"mind your own business."

STU:
Easy, Phil.

- He's correct. My fault.

- You okay?

- Aren't we riding an elevator?

Why, is this Jeopardy?

What the f*** is this bullshit?

- Please, with the language.

- Yes.

- I fully agree.

- Oh.

Hey, guys, when's the next

Halley's comet?

- Who cares, man?

- Do you know, Stu?

I don't think it's for, like,

another 60 years or something.

- But it's not tonight, right?

- No, I don't think so.

But you don't know for sure?

No.

I got this cousin who saw one.

He said it blew his mind.

I wanna make sure I never, ever miss out

on a Halley's Comet.

So if you guys

know if there's gonna be one...

Oh, f***!

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY

& TIGER ROARING]

[SCREAMING]

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

- Oh, my God!

PHIL:
F*** it!

Stu! Stu, it got me! Stu!

You got clawed! You're bleeding!

- Oh.

ALAN:
I'm panicking.

- Aah!

PHIL:
Oh, my God.

Okay. Okay, okay. Wait, hold on.

[GROWLING]

[GROWLS]

- I can't do it.

PHIL:
Get your f***ing hand back in there...

...and steer the car.

- I'm too nervous.

STU:
Alan. We need you, buddy.

This is your time to shine, okay?

Okay, yeah. Whew.

Daddy's gonna kill me.

- That's it.

PHIL:
That's good.

Keep it straight.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- You're late.

- Whatever, man.

We had to push it the last mile.

Come on in. Mike's got something

he wants to show you.

[TIGER GROANING]

That thing's out of control, man.

Seriously, you gotta put it down.

When we got back,

we took a look at the security cameras.

Great.

PHIL [ON VIDEO]:
This is how you walk.

This is how you walk.

- Oh, it's Doug.

- Oh, thank God he's alive.

That's our buddy.

That's who we've been missing.

We're all best friends.

Why don't you just pay attention?

I don't have all night.

Yeah, of course. Of course.

STU:
What are you doing?

ALAN:
Hey, guys. Check it out. Watch this.

That's me, I'm on TV.

I've never been on TV before.

DOUG:

What are you doing, man?

Really? Really, Alan?

DOUG:

You got a fire hose, man?

Yeah, I was, uh...

[DOUG LAUGHING ON VIDEO]

STU:

You're gonna overflow the pool, man.

- Maybe... Should I wait outside?

- I think that's a good idea, Alan.

ALAN:

Yeah.

Don't touch anything out there, either.

You know what? He's not our good fr...

We don't know him that well.

PHIL:

Come on. Come on, come on.

By the way,

where you get that cop car from?

We, uh, stole it from

these dumb-ass cops.

Nice.

[LAUGHING]

High five that one.

Yeah, that's nice.

PHIL:

You know, I just have to say...

...I have never seen a more beautiful,

elegant, just regal creature.

PHIL:
Check it out. Stu. Stu.

F*** this tiger.

STU:
Oh, my God. That's awful.

MIKE:
Oh, man.

[STU LAUGHING ON VIDEO]

PHIL [OVER TV]:
Oh, sh*t.

- Who does sh*t like that, man?

Someone who has a lot of issues, obviously.

I'm a sick man.

DOUG:

Oh, my God.

That's all we got.

This was hugely helpful.

Really. Because now we know

that our buddy Doug...

...was with us at 3:30, totally alive.

Thanks again, champ. And, uh, again,

we are so sorry we stole your tiger.

Don't worry about it, man.

Like you said, we all do dumb sh*t

when we're f***ed up.

[LAUGHING]

- I told you he'd get it.

- I did say that.

You know, everyone says

Mike Tyson is such a badass...

...but I think he's kind of a sweetheart.

I think he's mean.

All right. I think it's officially time

we call Tracy.

Hallelujah. Finally, Phil says something

that makes sense.

We don't have much of a choice.

And maybe she's heard from Doug.

That's what I been saying this whole time.

We just need to be completely honest.

We need to tell her everything.

We don't have to tell her everything.

We can leave out the stuff...

...about me marrying a hooker.

Just stay focused on Doug.

- What am I gonna tell my dad?

- Alan, relax. It's just the inside.

Come on. I got a guy in L.A.

Who's great with interiors.

[SCREAMING]

[PHIL, ALAN & STU GRUNTING]

[PHIL COUGHING]

- Oh, Jesus!

STU:
Oh, my God.

- Are you guys okay?

PHIL:
What the f***?

I know that guy.

That's the guy from the trunk.

Get out of the car. Please.

STU:
W... W... Wait.

Those are the guys that shot Eddie.

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- Listen...

MAN 1:
Let's go!

- Okay.

- Oh, no.

STU:
Easy, easy.

MAN 2:
Come on.

PHIL:

Okay. All right.

- All right, all right.

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