Max on Set: The Hangover Page #9

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MAN 2:
Let's go.

Hey, relax. Ow. Ow. Ow!

- I have whiplash.

- Get this other fat boy.

Get the fat boy.

ALAN:

Hey, hey, hey.

PHIL:
All right, all right.

STU:
Hey, take it easy, take it easy!

I want my purse back, a**holes.

- What? Your purse?

- That's not a purse, it's a satchel.

It's a purse. Okay?

And you steal from wrong guy.

Wait a second, wait a second.

We stole from you?

Okay, you know what?

We don't remember anything

that happened last night...

...so help us out a little here.

Well, apparently you guys met

at a craps table late last night.

You were on a heater,

and he played your hot streak.

- He ended up winning just under 80 grand.

- No sh*t? Eighty grand is nice.

Okay, that's good.

He put the chips in his purse,

and then you guys took off with it.

That doesn't sound like us.

Mine had $80,000 inside.

And this one? Nothing.

Hey, there are Skittles in there.

Ow! Oh, not again.

[LAUGHING]

Don't let the beard fool you.

He's a child.

It's funny because he's fat.

Now, look, this was obviously

a very simple misunderstanding.

Alan picked up the wrong purse,

it's no big deal.

Okay, if it's, "No big deal,"

why, when I come after you guys...

...he starts screaming like crazy and

throw me in trunk?

What, I did that?

Yeah, you said he was your lucky charm,

and you want to take him home with you.

[PHIL AND STU LAUGH]

- Lucky charm.

- Oh, it's just funny.

[LAUGHING]

F*** you.

If you want to see your friend again,

you get me my 80 grand.

- What?

- Our friend?

- You have Doug?

PHIL:
You know about our friend?

[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

- Doug!

- Doug!

- Doug's in the car! Doug's in the car!

- Doug, it's okay!

You chill out, goatee!

- Okay, okay. All right, fine, fine.

- What do you want?

Not so good now.

Quid pro quo, douche bag.

What?

Look, we're very sorry.

But this is an easy fix.

- Alan, where's his purse?

- I don't know.

- It's in the hotel room, right?

- Yeah, we can get it.

We can get you the...

We can even write you a check right now.

No chance. Cash only.

- There's a person in there.

CHOW:
Boring.

[YAWNS]

Take nap. Come on.

Wait. I'm sorry we're boring you!

PHIL:
Doug, it's okay.

- You kidnapped our friend! Kidnapper!

PHIL:
Wait.

STU:
Oh, no. You're not going anywhere.

Stop.

Stop. Run me over.

- Okay. Whoa. Whoa.

PHIL:
Stu, Stu, Stu.

Bring money to Big Rock

in Mojave Desert at dawn.

- What?

- Toodle-oo, motherf***er.

Well, at least take the bag

off his head! F***!

Oh!

Come on, get out of here.

Guys, I'm telling you, I looked for it this

morning before we left. It's not anywhere.

F***.

Stu, how much you got in the bank?

About 10 grand.

I was gonna use it for the wedding.

You're already married,

so we're good there.

Besides, enough with Melissa,

she's the worst.

Yeah, Doug told me she had sex

with a pilot or something.

It was a bartender on a cruise.

What is wrong with you people?

- Ew. Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?

- Yes.

What are we gonna do?

We are so f***ed.

ALAN:

Hey, guys?

- Did you find it?

- Nope.

But check this out.

Change only, 10,000.

- Hey, uh, these seats taken?

- No, feel free.

All right, let's play some blackjack!

[YELLING AND WHOOPING]

That's it. Shut up, b*tches.

Hmm.

- I'll stick.

- Oh, f*** you! F*** you!

Splitting fives.

- Too many.

- Yes!

[JADE MOANING]

I don't even know you,

but I'm gonna tell you that's dumb.

- Yes!

JADE:
Oh!

Okay, come on.

He can't lose. He can't lose.

I think the pit boss is watching him.

[WHOOPING]

[JADE LAUGHING]

[SHRIEKING]

[JADE GROANING]

- Oh, my God.

- Are you okay?

I'm such a klutz. I get so nervous

when I gamble. I'm so silly.

- It happens.

- Whoa. Hold on a beat, okay?

- Let's just take it easy. This is my wife.

- It's hurting.

STU:

Make sure... Does it hurt? Does this hurt?

- Oh, ow.

- You all right?

JADE:
I don't know.

- I don't know either. I don't...

I think you're fine. Let's go.

- Really? Okay.

STU:
Upsy-daisy, there.

I'm sorry,

she's had a little too much to drink.

Thanks, buddy. That's for you.

STU:

And 100, 200, 300, 400.

With all this, that's $82,400.

- Oh, goddamn it. I don't f***ing believe it.

- Whoo!

- Alan, you're the man.

- You are too, Phil.

We should come back next week,

take the whole city down.

Oh, I'm free next week.

Or we could just focus

on getting Doug back, right now.

Uh, you know what? Next week's no good,

the Jonas Brothers are in town.

But any week after that is totally fine.

I think it's safe to say that our luck

has officially turned around, guys.

- We are back, baby. We are f***ing back.

- We're back. Classic.

[SINGING]

We are back, we are back

PHIL:

That's right.

We are getting Doug back

And we're the three best friends

That anybody could have

We're the three best friends

That anyone could have

We're the three best friends

That anyone can have

And we'll never, ever, ever, ever, ever

Leave each other

We're the best three friends

That anybody could have

I mean, the three best friends

That anybody could have

That's right, the three best friends

That anybody can have

PHIL:
Now what?

- Give him the signal.

- What signal?

- Flash your lights. Let him know it's on.

- What's on?

- The deal.

Of course it's on. We just drove 30 miles

into the desert. He knows it's on.

Phil, just do something.

Fine.

- Oh, sh*t.

ALAN:
See?

All right, let's go.

[ALAN GRUNTING]

[LAUGHING]

Funny fat guy fall on face.

You okay?

All right, we got the money.

Eighty grand, cash.

Throw it over. Then I give you Doug.

Um, I'm sorry. First of all, good morning.

And we didn't catch your name last night.

Mr. Chow. Leslie Chow.

Mr. Chow, it is a pleasure.

My name is Stu.

And we would very much appreciate

an opportunity to see Doug...

...before we give you the money,

just to verify that he's okay.

- Lf that's cool.

- Of course, Stu. That is cool.

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- Oh, thank God.

- Okay.

See, he fine. Now give me money...

...or I shoot him,

and I shoot all you motherfuckers.

And then we take it.

Your choice, b*tches.

- Give him the money, Stu.

- Okay.

MAN:
It's all there.

- Let him go.

All right, take it easy. Take it easy.

CHOW:

Ta-da.

[STU SHOUTS]

Is this some kind ofjoke?

Who the hell is this?

That is not Doug.

What you talking about, Willis?

That him.

No, I'm sorry, Mr. Chow.

That's not our friend.

- He... That's...

- The Doug we're looking for is a white.

Ah! I told you you had the wrong guy,

little boy.

Damn, Alan,

what the f*** you got me into?

- You know him?

- This is the guy that sold me the bad drugs.

- How you doing?

- I didn't sell you no f***ing bad drugs.

- Wait. He sold you the Ruphylin?

- Ruphylin? I sold you that Ru...? Wha...?

- Who gives a sh*t? Where is Doug?

- I am Doug.

- Your name's Doug?

- Yes, I'm Doug.

His name's Doug too. Ha. Classic mix-up.

Come on.

- Hey, Chow. You gave us the wrong Doug.

- Not my problem.

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