Max on Set: The Hangover Page #10

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No, f*** that sh*t. Now, you give us

our 80 grand back and take him with you!

- No. Come on. I'll be your Doug.

- Oh, yeah, okay. Oh, I take him back.

Right after you suck on

these little Chinese nuts.

- Ah. That's nasty.

- Mmm. How that sound?

Unh, pshh.

- So long, gay boys.

- Wait a second.

DOUG:

He's a nasty little motherf***er.

Did you ever get any ecstasy?

DOUG:

No, I ain't got no f***ing ecstasy.

- Goddamn it!

ALAN:
Gosh darn it!

- Sh*t!

ALAN:
Shoot!

[PHONE LINE RINGING]

[COUGHS]

TRACY [OVER PHONE]: Hello?

- Ahem, Tracy, it's Phil.

Phil, where the hell are you guys?

I'm freaking out.

PHIL:

Yeah, listen.

We f***ed up.

Thanks for the lift back to town.

- I got a question for you.

- What's up?

How did you wind up in Chow's car?

That crazy a**hole

kidnapped me yesterday.

Okay, but why? I mean, why you?

He thought I was with you guys because

we were hanging over at the Bellagio.

- What?

- We were at the Bellagio?

We were shooting craps.

You don't remember?

No. No, we don't remember.

Because some dick drug dealer sold him

Ruphylin and told him it was ecstasy.

Ruphylin. There you go with that word.

Ruphylin. What the hell is a Ruphylin?

Wow, you are

the world's shittiest drug dealer.

Ruphylin, for your information,

is the date-rape drug. You sold Alan roofies.

Oh, sh*t. I must have mixed up the bags.

My fault, Alan.

Damn, Marshall gonna be pissed off at me

on that one.

- Whatever.

- It's funny, because just the other day...

...me and my boy, we was wondering

why they even call them roofies.

- You know what I'm talking about?

- No. Don't know.

Why not floories, right?

Because when you take them...

...you're more likely

to end up on the floor than the roof.

What about groundies?

That's a good new name for them.

Or, how about rapies?

- Wait, what did you just say?

- Rapies.

- Not you. Doug, what did you say before?

- I said groundies.

No, before that.

You said, "You're more likely to wind up

on the floor than..."

- Phil.

- Listen, Trace, I'm really sorry. L...

[GRUNTING]

TRACY [OVER PHONE]: Phil? Hello?

- Tracy, it's Stu.

Stu. Talk to me. What's going on?

Uh, nothing. Don't listen to Phil.

He's completely out of his mind.

He's probably still drunk from last night.

Where's Doug?

STU:
He is paying the bill.

We just had a delicious brunch.

We're in a hurry to get back,

so we gotta get going.

- Okay, we'll see you soon. Bye.

- Stu.

Stu. F***.

- What the f***, man?

- I know where Doug is.

STU:

I don't know, man. It just hit me.

You remember when we saw

Doug's mattress impaled on that statue?

- Yeah, we threw it out the window.

- No, impossible.

- You can't open windows in Vegas hotels.

- Well, then how did it get...?

- Oh, my God!

- Ha, ha, ha.

- Whoa, wait. What's going on?

- Doug was trying to signal someone.

- Holy sh*t.

STU:
Yes.

- Wait. How did you figure that out?

- Doug made me realize it.

- Doug?

- Uh, not our Doug. Black Doug.

- Hey, hey, easy with that sh*t. Come on.

- Sorry.

Can someone tell me

where white Doug is?

- He's on the roof, Alan.

- Yes.

He's on the roof. We must have taken him

up there as a prank...

...so he'd wake up on the roof.

- Like that time in summer camp.

We moved his sleeping bag

out in the jetty at the lake?

Ha, ha, ha. Which was hilarious.

It's not so funny now, though,

because we forgot where we put him.

You guys are retarded, you know that?

- Holy sh*t. You think he's still up there?

- There's only one way to find out.

PHIL:

Doug!

Doug!

- Doug!

PHIL:
Doug, you up here, buddy?

Where you at, Doug?

Doug!

Hey, guys!

He's over here!

ALAN:
Hey, I found him! He's over here!

- Oh, sh*t.

He's okay.

You're okay. Ha, ha, ha!

Oh, God. We gotta go, buddy. Come on.

Oh, we have been looking everywhere

for you.

- He's alive.

- What the f*** is going on?

We can explain everything,

but right now we gotta go.

- Hey, bud. You okay?

- No. Not okay.

You look good, you got some color.

I'm jealous.

- I'm getting married today.

- Yes, you are.

That's why you need to focus

and do everything we say.

Because, frankly,

you're wasting a little bit of time right now.

You f***ing a**hole!

[GRUNTING]

[WHIMPERING]

Oh, my skin burns. My skin burns.

Oh, ow! God.

- It's okay. It's not your fault, Doug.

- Don't touch me. Shut up.

All of you, shut up.

Just get me home.

Mm-hm.

Just get me home.

STU:

What about the one after that?

You cannot be serious.

Oh, goddamn it.

- What?

- Every flight to L.A. Is booked.

- What about Burbank?

- Sold out.

Oh, f***! We can't drive there, the

wedding starts in three and a half hours.

- Alan, where's the car?

ALAN:
It's on its way.

You know what?

We can drive there.

We can make it. Okay?

Hi.

- Just give me one second.

PHIL:
We will leave without you.

- Is he missing a tooth?

- Yeah.

[LAUGHS]

STU:
Hey.

- Hey.

Hey, thanks for helping out last night.

That was so awesome.

Sure.

Listen, Jade, l...

Look, you don't have to say it.

I totally understand.

- This whole thing was stupid.

- Huh.

It was stupid, wasn't it?

- This is yours.

- Oh, thank you.

I can't believe I gave my grandmother's

Holocaust ring to someone I just met.

- What was I thinking?

- You were really f***ed up.

Clearly.

- You did pull out your own tooth.

- L...?

I pulled out my tooth?

Why did I pull out my own tooth?

Alan bet you

that you weren't a good enough dentist...

...to pull out your own tooth.

Okay. Heh.

- Of course he did.

- You won.

Yeah. Clearly. Yeah.

That's victory, right there.

ALAN:

It needs to go down.

- It's good. Get in.

- No. Safety first.

- Alan, it's fine. It's down.

- No, I gotta get it down first.

PHIL:
Jesus Christ. Look out.

- Don't mess the car up.

You're gonna mess the car up.

- Hey, what are you doing next weekend?

- I don't know. Working. Why?

I was thinking maybe I'd come back

and take you out to dinner.

Really? Like a date?

Yeah. Like a date.

Only, one that hopefully I'll remember.

Sounds good.

- Stu. Come on.

- Stu. Come on.

I gotta go. Okay. Bye.

[LAUGHING]

- Bye.

- Bye.

All right, here we go.

- All right, let's go.

- Yeah.

Careful.

At least the trip

wasn't a total disaster.

- What makes you say that?

- When I woke up on the roof...

...I happened to find $80,000

worth of Bellagio chips in my pocket.

- Oh!

STU:
Oh, my God!

Looks like we're going home

with some money, boys.

[ALL WHOOPING]

[HORN HONKING]

ALAN:

Here he comes. That's him.

- Hey, Neeco!

NEECO:
Hey. What's up, Alan?

STU:

Whoo!

- Whoa, look out.

- Oh, sh*t.

ALAN:

Whoa! Whoa!

- Thanks, Neeco.

NEECO:
You got it, man.

ALAN:
Page me!

NEECO:
Adis.

STU:
Who the hell was that guy?

ALAN:
That's my buddy.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Hey. Sorry, MapQuest took us

on a really crazy route.

[MUSICIANS PLAYING "SPRING"]

[MUSICIANS PLAYING

"WEDDING MARCH"]

- How's my hair?

- It looks good.

- Is it cool like Phil's?

- It's classic Phil.

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