Mayhem Page #6

for the original paperwork...

You'd put them in a tough spot.

Or a signature from upstairs

could void it completely.

Really?

Hey, I'm sorry for not

helping you earlier.

I should've, but I didn't.

It's okay.

Just don't do it again, I guess.

You rolling?

Push back. Push back.

All right. Stop.

Can you see him?

No.

The boss:

F*** you, Derek.

Is that your friend?

Oh, god.

Hey, give that to me.

Hey.

Hey, it's all right.

He has kids.

Ah! Oh, god.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

This f***ing virus,

it just takes...

just takes everything up to 11.

I've noticed.

Hey.

Ahh.

- I know, right?

- Yeah.

- I like this virus.

- Yeah.

So what now?

Um, I think we should

definitely exchange numbers,

consider an apartment,

maybe a dog.

- That'd be nice.

- No, you idiot! What now?

Um, let's see.

Ray sent an update

to the office staff.

Who's ray?

He's the it guy.

F***ers.

There must be another way

we can get up there.

Not without the key card.

Unless...

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Unless what?

Woman:
What's he want?

Derek:

Ray can't fix the elevators,

but I have another idea.

Ray!

I'm really busy right now!

God damn it! F*** you!

Why won't you f***ing work?

- Ugh!

- Ray!

Aaah!

Hey.

- Hi.

- Hey.

We need your help.

Holy sh*t!

How'd that happen?

Well, we asked for his help,

and then he said he was busy.

Really?

Welcome to it.

We need you to hack

into someone's computer.

And I need interpol

to get off my back,

so what else is f***ing new?

Who we talking about?

Irene Smythe.

Oh, f*** her.

What? What the...

Shh.

It department.

Irene:

What's wrong with my computer?

Doctor can't do much until

you tell him where it hurts.

My Internet is slower

than your brain.

Well, that's a miracle

considering the budget

that I have

for installs and updates.

Seriously, how do you expect me

to keep running things

if you have one guy in one room

down in the f***ing basement

doing everything?

Seriously, and what do I get?

I get denial, denial,

denial, denial,

denial on all my f***ing

budgets, right?

But, "oh, ray,

please give me an app!"

- "Make sure that..."

- I am shocked!

I'm shocked and appalled,

and I'll definitely

bring this up with John,

but in the meantime,

can you do your f***ing job?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Cool your bloomers.

Hold on.

- Just sent you a patch.

- A patch?

Ray:
It's a file

that you install

on that thing in front of you

called a computer.

Okay.

Look, this might get complicated

for you, but don't worry.

I'll take you through

the whole process myself.

- You ready?

- Okay.

Ray:
Click on the file

that's on your desktop.

- Done.

- Ray:
Now click "install."

So rude.

You know, funny enough,

I think the virus

actually made her nicer.

Mm.

Ray:
I could've called that file

mean trojan destroyer,

the ultimate hard drive rapist,

and she still would

have installed it.

And we're in.

Okay. So what we're looking at,

th... those are her files?

Every last one of them,

even the porn.

Seems she's got

a thing for feet.

What do you want?

I want you to pretend that

that is a peaceful village

inhabited by gorgeous

virgin maidens.

Melanie:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and

you're the, you know, smelly,

aggressive viking king.

You had me at peaceful.

What... what the...

Ray, you ignoramus, that patch

thing has erased my hard drive.

Derek:
Hey, Irene.

I got good news, bad news,

and worse news for you.

Good news is, is we have a copy

of your hard drive

on the backup server.

Bad news is that I have it.

Worse news is that,

if you want it,

you got to come down and get it.

What trade?

Irene:

The backup copy for my key card.

That backup is worth

millions to this firm.

Are you actually

listening to me?

I'm meeting him.

End of story.

Oh, great. Should I just

remove my pants now

to make it easier for him when

he comes up here to f*** me?

I'm not going to

give him my key card.

The boss:
Well, he has got

leverage against you.

The idiot let me decide

on the meeting spot.

Where's your piece, Colton?

All right.

She's clean.

Who is she?

She's one of the mortgage

accounts that you, uh...

I'm Melanie cross.

I live at 22nd and pacific.

Not for long.

Ah, just...

- key card.

- Files.

Are you, uh, looking for this?

Okay.

Um, just a little pro tip.

Employees' iqs at this firm

are inversely proportionate

to their salaries,

so it's probably not a good idea

to try to outsmart someone

with a smaller paycheck.

Key card.

Now give me the hard drive.

I've done my bit.

Not yet.

Got to sign this first.

Oh, oh, I could sign this,

sure, then claim

temporary insanity

and have it dismissed.

Sorry, sweetie,

but you can always take it

to the man upstairs with that

card you've got if you like.

Ooh!

Irene:
You f***ing whore!

- Give us a minute.

- Yeah, totally.

Ah, ah, ah!

Bullets are for cowards.

Oh, sh*t.

Aah!

No, no, wait!

That card doesn't work.

It needs an access code.

Aah!

I got it.

No. No!

No, no! No!

The bull:

I'm gonna burn your eyes out.

Aah!

Ah!

I am done f***ing around.

Give us the code right now.

I'll give you the code,

but here's the new deal, boy.

- You give me her.

- What?

She destroyed my work.

That's years of my life.

You want your revenge?

Well, give me mine.

I just want my home back,

you a**hole!

The quarantine is ending soon.

Your time is running out.

Give me the access code!

I'll give you a pro tip.

You want to swim to the top?

Drop the dead weight.

She'll do it.

Five!

Four!

Three.

- Two!

- One.

Derek:
Deal.

Melanie:
Aah!

F*** you, Derek,

you piece-of-sh*t suit!

You're just like all of them!

You belong here!

Aah, f***!

- Done?

- Mm-hmm.

F*** you!

F*** you.

I'll be back shortly, sweetie.

Come on.

These things only work once.

Don't do anything stupid.

The boss:

Can you see it, Derek?

Can you see the solution

to our problem here?

You're infected.

You have impunity!

Nevil Reed,

he got away with murder.

Maybe I can have

a little fun here.

Well, I'm gonna

beat you to the punch.

The boss:

Let's discuss.

What's that?

The terms of my surrender,

partnership contract.

You're a f***ing piece of sh*t.

Look, my guy killed your guy.

You killed my guy,

so we're even.

Let's just get down

to business now, huh?

Ladies.

Monthly profit participation,

annual performance bonus,

vehicle allowances,

gas, maintenance,

insurance, chauffeur.

Expense accounts,

full cellphone allowances,

paid parking, country-club fees.

I've seen you admiring

all of this, Derek.

Isn't this what

you've always wanted?

Yes.

Then why don't I see

a f***ing pen in your hand?

Do you really want to spend

the next 20 years of your life

just working

your ass off for what,

maybe half of what

I just offered you?

Sign it, Derek.

Sign it,

and I'll suck your cock.

Sign it, and I'll help.

- Be smart.

- Be rich.

No.

Mine's bigger.

Mine's always bigger.

You f***er.

Aah!

Gah! Ah!

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