Maz Jobrani: Brown and Friendly

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1

HEY, MAZ.

TWO MINUTES TO AIR.

THANKS, BUDDY.

OH, MY GOD.

TWO MINUTES TILL AIR.

I CAN'T DO THIS.

THIS IS MY OWN SPECIAL.

I'M NOT THAT SPECIAL.

WHAT WAS I THINKING?

I SHOULD HAVE JUST SAID NO.

GOT TO DO A WHOLE -- GOT TO DO

A WHOLE HOUR OF MATERIAL?

FORGET IT.

I'M OUT OF HERE.

SHEIK?!

DAMN RIGHT!

MAZ 'JABRONI'!

JOBRANI.

-WHAT?

-JOBRANI.

-NOT JABRONI?

-J-JOBRANI.

JABRONI.

WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS!

I DON'T GIVE A

YOU WANT TO BE A MAN, OR YOU

WANT TO BE P*SSY?

I WANT TO BE A MAN.

PERFECT! AND THEN YOU HAVE TO

PAY FOR YOUR DUE.

IF YOU CANNOT DO IT,

I'M GONNA SUPLEX YOU,

I'LL PUT YOU

IN THE CAMEL CLUTCH,

AND I'LL YOUR ASS!

I'LL MAKE YOU HUMBLE!

HUMBLE!

OR NO?!

YES, I UNDERSTAND, SHEIK.

I UNDERSTAND.

I GOT TO BE A MAN!

I DON'T WASTE MY TIME

AROUND THE JABRONI PEOPLE.

I AM THE NUMBER-ONE COACH --

"IRON SHEIK" KHOSROW VAZIRI --

IN THE WORLD,

SO I PAY FOR MY DUE.

YOU P*SSY!

YOU CANNOT PAY FOR YOUR DUE!

YOU CANNOT HANDLE A HIT,

TAKE A WALK.

I CAN DO IT, SHEIK.

I CAN DO IT!

I'M FROM SHOW-ME CITY --

MISSOURI.

SHOW ME, I'LL BELIEVE IT.

OTHERWISE, I YOUR ASS.

I'LL MAKE YOU HUMBLE.

SHEIK, I'M GONNA DO IT!

I'M GONNA DO IT FOR YOU, SIR!

HERE I GO, SHEIK.

-I'M A MAN!

-SHOW IT!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

-MAZ JOBRANI!

WHAT'S HAPPENING, LOS ANGELES?!

HOW ARE YOU GUYS? WOW!

THANK YOU. WELCOME.

HOW ARE YOU?

HOW ARE YOU?

WELCOME, WELCOME.

HOW ARE YOU? HOW ARE YOU?

HI, WELCOME.

HOW ARE YOU? GOOD TO HAVE YOU.

WELCOME, WELCOME.

HOW ARE YOU? WELCOME,

WELCOME, WELCOME, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

PLEASE, PLEASE, ON THE RUG.

PLEASE, ON THE RUG.

PLEASE. PLEASE.

TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF,

THEN ON THE RUG. PLEASE.

OH, MAN,

IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE.

LET ME HEAR THE PERSIANS.

PERSIANS IN THE HOUSE.

PERSIANS.

NON-PERSIANS?

NON-PERSIANS?

ALL RIGHT! THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU'RE SURROUNDED,

BUT IT'S ALL GOOD.

IT'S FUNNY 'CAUSE --

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.

WHAT'S FUNNY -- NOBODY KNOWS

HOW MANY PERSIANS,

OR MIDDLE EASTERNERS IN GENERAL,

THERE ARE IN AMERICA.

NOBODY KNOWS. NOBODY KNOWS.

'CAUSE WE DON'T ANSWER

CENSUS BUREAUS.

YEAH, THE RANGE

IS FROM 300,000 TO 3 MILLION.

THAT'S A WIDE RANGE.

'CAUSE IF A RANDOM PERSON

CALLS OUR HOUSE:

AND STARTS ASKING QUESTIONS,

WE'RE AFRAID THE FBI

IS SHOWING UP NEXT.

RIGHT, WHEN THE CENSUS BUREAU

CALLS UP, YOU KNOW --

"HELLO, SIR. HOW MANY PEOPLE

LIVE IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD?"

WE'RE LIKE, "UH...ZERO."

"WHAT'S YOUR INCOME?"

"ZERO."

"HOW OLD ARE YOU?"

"ZERO."

"WHERE YOU FROM?"

"I DON'T KNOW.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?"

THAT'S THE OTHER TECHNIQUE

WE HAVE,

IS YOU ANSWER A QUESTION

WITH A QUESTION.

GREAT TECHNIQUE.

YOU GUYS --

MY AMERICAN FRIENDS, USE IT.

IT WORKS.

LIKE, LAST YEAR,

THE PRESIDENT OF IRAN

WAS DOING AN INTERVIEW

ON "60 MINUTES,"

AND HE USED THAT TECHNIQUE.

IT WAS AMAZING.

THE INTERVIEWER ASKED HIM,

HE GOES,

"SO, DO YOU HAVE

A NUCLEAR PROGRAM?"

HE GOES, "I DON'T KNOW.

O YOU HAVE A NUCLEAR PROGRAM?"

THE REPORTER GOES,

"EVERYBODY KNOWS

AMERICA HAS A NUCLEAR PROGRAM."

HE GOES, "DOES EVERYBODY KNOW

AMERICA HAS A NUCLEAR PROGRAM?"

THE GUY GOT FRUSTRATED.

HE GOES, "OKAY, INTERVIEW OVER."

HE GOES,

"IS THIS INTERVIEW OVER?"

WE'RE VAGUE. THAT'S HOW WE ARE.

BECAUSE WE DON'T WANT TO BE

SPECIFIC IN ANY OF OUR ANSWERS.

LIKE, ASK A MIDDLE EASTERNER

WHAT THEY DO FOR A LIVING.

YOU'LL NEVER

GET A STRAIGHT ANSWER.

ASK A PERSIAN DUDE

WHAT HE DOES FOR A LIVING.

"HEY, WHAT DO YOU DO

FOR A LIVING?"

THEY'LL BE LIKE, "ME?

FOR A LIVING?

FOR THE LIVING? ME?

FOR THE LIVING? ME?

FOR A LIVING?

WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING? ME?

MM..."

"IMPORT/EXPORT."

BE LIKE,

"WHAT DO YOU IMPORT/EXPORT?"

"THIS AND THAT."

"WHERE DO YOU DO IT?"

"HERE AND THERE."

"WHERE YOU FROM?"

"EVERYWHERE.

I'M FROM EVERYWHERE.

HERE ARE YOU FROM, MY FRIEND?"

THAT'S HOW WE HANDLE IT.

WE DON'T GET TOO POLITICAL.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

WE DON'T LIKE TO GET INVOLVED

WITH POLITICS:

'CAUSE WE DON'T WANT PEOPLE

KNOWING ABOUT OUR TASTES

AND WHAT WE'RE DOING AND STUFF.

THE WAY:

WE GET INVOLVED POLITICALLY

IS WE HAVE AN E-MAIL LIST.

YEAH, THERE'S A PERSIAN

E-MAIL LIST.

LOT OF PERSIANS ARE ON IT.

MY AMERICAN FRIENDS AREN'T,

BUT, LIKE,

THE PERSIAN E-MAIL LIST,

ANYTIME ANYTHING HAPPENS IN THE

PERSIAN COMMUNITY, I HEAR IT.

I GET THE E-MAIL. ANYTIME.

LIKE, A FEW YEARS AGO,

THE MOVIE "300" CAME OUT.

PERSIANS WERE PISSED.

I GOT THE E-MAIL.

I GOT THE E-MAIL, YOU KNOW?

"THIS IS BULLSHIT, MAN!"

"THIS IS BULLSHIT, MAN!

300 SPARTANS KICK OUR ASS.

NO WAY, MAN!

I KICK THEIR ASS MYSELF!"

"THE OTHER DAY, I'M WALKING DOWN

SUNSET BOULEVARD.

THIS GUY SAYS TO ME,

'EXCUSE ME. ARE YOU PERSIAN?'

I SAY, 'ARE YOU SPARTAN?'"

"I KICK HIS ASS!

HE GO BACK TO SPARTA.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW

WHERE THAT IS!"

THE PERSIAN E-MAIL LIST.

IT EXISTS.

LAST YEAR, FIRST PRIVATE CITIZEN

EVER TO GO INTO OUTER SPACE --

IRANIAN-AMERICAN LADY

NAMED ANOUSHEH ANSARI.

-WHOO!

-THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THE PERSIANS, THEY'RE CLAPPING.

THEY WERE ON THE E-MAIL LIST.

MY AMERICAN FRIENDS

DON'T EVEN KNOW THIS EXISTED.

I GOT THE E-MAIL.

I GOT THE E-MAIL.

"WE DID IT, MAN!

WE DID IT, MAN!

WE MADE IT TO OUTER SPACE, MAN.

WE CAN' GET THROUGH AIRPORT SECURITY..."

"...BUT WE MADE I TO OUTER SPACE.

SHE MUST NOT HAVE HAD

ANY LIQUIDS WITH HER THAT DAY.

I WILL FIND HER:

AND ASK HER MYSELF."

PERSIAN E-MAIL.

'CAUSE WE'VE HAD IT TOUGH, MAN.

MIDDLE EASTERNERS IN GENERAL,

WE'VE HAD IT TOUGH

THE PAST 30, 40 YEARS

IN AMERICA, HAD IT TOUGH.

SO ANYTIME ANY MIDDLE EASTERN

OR ANY PERSIAN DUDE

OR ANYONE CLOSE TO BEING PERSIAN

DOES ANYTHING GOOD,

MY MOM'S FRIEND

ALWAYS TELLS ME ABOUT IT.

MY MOM'S FRIEND ALWAYS,

"MAZ, MAZ."

ANDRE AGASSI -- IRANIAN."

"'AKASSI', 'AKASSI' --

KA, KA, KA, KA, KA, KA, KA.

IRANIAN NAME -- KA, KA, KA, KA.

IS NOT 'AGUH, GUH, GUH, GUH.

NO -- KA, KA, KA, KA, KA.

IRANIAN.

IRANIAN TENNIS CHAMPION.

IRANIAN."

ANYTHING. SHE GOES, "MAZ, MAZ.

FREDDIE MERCURY OF THE QUEEN --

IRANIAN."

I WAS LIKE, "FREDDIE MERCURY?"

"YEAH, HIS REAL NAME

IS 'FEREDUN MERKHURI.'"

"IRANIAN."

I WAS LIKE, "OKAY."

AND THEN SHE STARTED

MAKING STUFF UP.

SHE GOES, "MAZ, TOM CRUISE --

IRANIAN!"

I WAS LIKE,

"TOM CRUISE IS NOT IRA--"

"HE'S IRAN-- I KNOW

HIS MOTHER'S SISTER'S AUNT.

I KNOW THEM.

HIS REAL NAME:

IS 'TAMOR KHURUZ.'"

"'KHURUZ' MEANS

'ROOSTER' IN FARSI.

HE WANT TO WIN ACADEMY AWARD --

CHANGE HIS NAME!

IRANIAN!"

OH, MAN.

WE'LL TAKE WHAT WE CAN GET, MAN.

'CAUSE IT'S BEEN TOUGH.

IT'S BEEN TOUGH.

FOR A WHILE, IT WAS BAD.

FOR A WHILE IT LOOKED LIKE IRAN

WAS NEXT, FOR A WHILE.

LOOKED LIKE:

THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION

WAS ATTACKING COUNTRIES

ALPHABETICALLY IN REVERSE ORDER.

WASN'T LOOKING GOOD.

BUT NOW WE GOT OBAMA.

NOW WE GOT OBAMA,

SO THAT'S COOL.

WE GOT OBAMA NOW.

WE GOT OBAMA, YEAH.

YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HEARD,

BUT THE PRESIDENT OF IRAN

ACTUALLY SEN A CONGRATULATORY LETTER

TO BARACK OBAMA:

WHEN HE WON THE PRESIDENCY.

SENT HIM A CONGRATU--

AND I GOT A FRIEND OF MINE

WHO ACTUALLY HAS

SOME CONNECTIONS,

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