Maz Jobrani: Brown and Friendly Page #2

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AND HE KNOWS:

WHAT WAS IN THE LETTER.

HE TOLD ME.

YEAH, HE DID. HE TOLD ME.

BASICALLY, THE PRESIDENT OF IRAN

WROTE THE LETTER.

YOU KNOW, "DEAR BARACK,

CONGRATULATION.

YOUR MIDDLE NAME IS HUSSEIN.

I HAVE A COUSIN NAMED HUSSEIN.

WE SHOULD BE FRIENDS

ON FACEBOOK."

"BARACK, I WANT TO POKE YOU."

SWEAR TO GOD,

THAT'S WHAT IT SAID.

SWEAR TO GOD. SWEAR...

THAT'S A FACEBOOK TERM, IN CASE

ANY IRANIANS ARE GONNA...

ALL RIGHT?

YOU HAVE A PROBLEM,

CONTACT FACEBOOK, NOT ME.

"WHY YOU SAY 'POKE'?

WHAT IS THAT, MAZ? WHAT IS IT?"

IRAN -- YOU KNOW,

I WAS WORRIED FOR IRAN

WHEN WE WENT TO WAR WITH IRAQ.

BECAUSE "IRAQ"

SOUNDS A LOT LIKE "IRAN,"

AND I WAS WORRIED --

IF THERE WAS ONE PRESIDEN WHO WAS GONNA MESS IT UP

AND BOMB THE WRONG COUNTRY --

GEORGE BUSH, GEORGE BUSH.

NOT TOO GOOD WITH THE ALPHABET.

I ACTUALLY SAW AN INTERVIEW

WITH CONDOLEEZZA RICE

BEFORE THE IRAQ WAR ON CNN,

AND I SWEAR TO GOD, SHE SAID,

"YES, WE ARE GONNA BOMB IRAN --

I MEAN, IRAQ."

SHE DID IT LIKE THAT,

LIKE THE CARTOON.

SHE'S LIKE, "BR-BR-BR-BR-BR!"

I WAS WATCHING AT HOME,

I'M LIKE, "YOU CAN'T MESS IT UP!

YOU'RE THE BRAINS

OF THE OPERATION!

YOU CAN'T MESS IT UP!"

AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED,

IF I WERE IRAN,

I WOULD HAVE JUST CHANGED

MY NAME BACK THEN.

I WOULD HAVE CALLED

A PRESS CONFERENCE, BE LIKE,

"THANK YOU FOR COMING,

L.A. TIMES, NEW YORK TIMES,

TIME MAGAZINE.

THANK YOU FOR COMING.

WE HAVE A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMEN TO MAKE.

STARTING TODAY,

IRAN IS NOW 'CANADA.'"

"AND IRAQ IS THAT WAY."

"JUST TAKE THE 10,

KEEP GOING EAST.

KEEP GOING EAST.

KEEP GOING."

FROM IRAN, BUT I LOVE THE FAC THAT IT'S A MIXED CROWD.

THAT'S WHAT IT'S ABOUT.

IN AMERICA,

WE MIX IT UP, WE MIX IT UP.

AND I ACTUALLY -- I MIXED IT UP.

I GOT MARRIED TO SOMEBODY

FROM ANOTHER ETHNICITY.

I GOT MARRIED TO AN

INDIAN WOMAN, AN INDIAN WOMAN.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

GIVE IT UP. SURE.

YEAH, THANK YOU.

I GOT TO SAY, NOT INDIAN LIKE,

"WHOO WHOO WHOO,"

BUT INDIAN LIKE --

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

YEAH, NOT CASINO INDIAN --

COMPUTER INDIAN,

COMPUTER INDIAN.

YEAH, NOT LIKE

ONE LITTLE, TWO LITTLE,

THREE LITTLE INDIAN

BUT DANG, DA-DA-DANG,

DA-DA-DANG, DA-DA-DANG DANG

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

I MARRIED TECH SUPPORT.

I MARRIED TECH SUPPORT.

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

BEST MOVE I EVER MADE.

BEST MOVE.

ANYTIME I HAVE:

A COMPUTER PROBLEM --

"HONEY, WINDOWS XP

ISN'T WORKING" --

SHE'S LIKE,

"I WILL TAKE CARE OF IT!"

YOU KNOW?

SHE DOES.

SO SWEET!

ALWAYS ASKS ME:

THE SAME QUESTION.

ALWAYS, SHE GOES,

"DID YOU REBOOT THE COMPUTER?

REBOOT THE COMPUTER!

YEAH, BOOT, BOOT, REBOOT.

BOOT, BOOT, REBOOT.

DON'T REBOOT, BOOT, BOOT.

BOOT, BOOT, REBOOT.

BOOT, BOOT, REBOOT.

HAR DA DA, DAR DAR,

DA DA DAR DAR DAR!"

I'M KIDDING.

SHE DOESN'T TALK LIKE THAT.

SHE DOESN'T. SHE GREW UP HERE.

BUT THAT'S A FUN ACCENT TO DO.

ANYTIME YOU FEEL SAD,

JUST GO, "HAR DA DA DAR!"

IT'LL CHEER YOU UP.

SWEAR TO GOD.

GUYS, YOU EVER COME HOME

LATE ONE NIGHT,

YOUR LADY'S LIKE,

"WHERE WERE YOU?"

BE LIKE, "HAR, DA DA DAR!

DA DA DAR DAR DAR!"

SHE'LL BE LIKE,

"OH, HAPU, COME ON IN.

COME ON IN."

TRUTH BE TOLD, MY WIFE -- LEAS TECH-SAVVY INDIAN IN THE WORLD.

YEAH. I GOT A DEFECTIVE INDIAN.

MESSED UP.

DIDN'T EVEN KEEP THE RECEIPT.

I CAN'T RETURN HER.

NO, NO, NO.

I WOULD NEVER FILE FOR DIVORCE.

I WOULD NEVER FILE FOR DIVORCE

'CAUSE I LOVE MY WIFE.

I LOVE MY WIFE.

NEVER FILE --

-WHOO!

THANK YOU, YES.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

ALSO, I'M A COMEDIAN,

AND SHE'S A LAWYER.

WHO'S GONNA WIN THAT ONE,

RIGHT?

HER CLOSING ARGUMEN WOULD BE LIKE, "HAR DA DAR DA."

BE LIKE, "YOU WIN, YOU WIN."

NO, MAN, IT'S --

IT'S -- IT'S A GREAT THING, MAN.

BEING MARRIED TO HER IS GREAT.

THE ONE THING, THOUGH,

IS SHE IS NOT TECH SAVVY,

AND THIS IS HOW:

I FIRST REALIZED THIS --

SHE HAD THIS BlackBerry,

AND THE ALARM WOULD GO OFF

EVERY MORNING AT 5:00 A.M.

AND SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO GET UP.

IT JUST KEPT GOING OFF.

AND I WAS LIKE, "BABE, CAN YOU

TURN OFF THE ALARM, PLEASE?"

AND SHE GOES,

"I DON'T KNOW HOW TO."

I GO, "OKAY, CAN YOU

TURN OFF THE PHONE, THEN?"

SHE GOES,

"I DON'T KNOW HOW TO."

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO

TURN OFF THE PHONE?

EVERYBODY KNOWS HOW TO

TURN OFF THE PHONE.

YOU JUST PRESS THE RED BUTTON.

PRESS THE RED THING.

PRESS THE RED THING."

SO SHE WAS LIKE THIS.

I WAS LIKE, "NOT YOUR BINDI."

ACTUALLY, MY WIFE AND I -- WE'RE

ACTUALLY FAR AWAY FROM DIVORCE.

WE ACTUALLY JUST HAD A BABY BOY

FIVE MONTHS AGO.

BABY BOY.

-THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

I ALWAYS FEEL WEIRD

WHEN PEOPLE CLAP FOR THAT,

BECAUSE I'M NOT THE FIRST PERSON

TO HAVE EVER ACHIEVED THIS.

I FEEL WHEN PEOPLE CLAP,

THEY'RE LIKE,

"WOW, MAZ! HOW'D YOU DO IT?

WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT'D YOU DO?"

"YOU KNOW, I PUT MY PENIS

IN HER VAGINA,

AND A LITTLE BABY CAME OUT."

I KNOW SOME OF THE PERSIANS

ARE LIKE, "WHOA!

HE SAID 'PENIS'!

I HAVE TO SEND:

AN E-MAIL TONIGHT."

"MAZ JOBRANI SAYS 'PENIS'!"

OKAY, FINE.

HOW ABOUT I SAY I PU MY BOOT-BOOT IN HER REBOO AND A LITTLE HAR DA DAR DA DA

CAME OUT?

IS THAT GOOD?

IS THAT CLEANER:

FOR THE PERSIANS?

BUT IT'S COOL, MAN.

WE HAVE AN IRANIAN-INDIAN KID

IN AMERICA.

HOW COOL IS THAT? RIGHT? YEAH.

KID'S GONNA GET HIS ASS KICKED.

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

THE KEY IS YOU GOT TO GIVE HIM

A GOOD NAME:

SO THAT HE DOESN' GET INTO TROUBLE IN AMERICA.

AND THAT'S WHAT WE DID.

WE GAVE HIM A GOOD NAME.

WE NAMED HIM:

MUJIBUR MOHAMMED ABDULLAH RAHEEM

OSAMA BIN LADEN JOBRANI.

'CAUSE I NEED THE MATERIAL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

BE LIKE, "SON, HOW WAS

YOUR DAY AT SCHOOL?

YOU WERE DEPORTED? FANTASTIC!

CAN WORK THAT INTO MY ACT."

NO, MAN.

MM.

I'M JUST GONNA LET THE KID KNOW

THAT HE'S ITALIAN

TILL HE'S OLD ENOUGH

TO HANDLE IT.

'CAUSE THAT'S HOW IRANIANS

AND MIDDLE EASTERNERS

HAVE DEALT WITH:

OUR MIDDLE EASTERNNESS

FOR THE PAST 40 YEARS

IN AMERICA --

BY PRETENDING TO BE ITALIAN.

LIKE, I HAD A FRIEND OF MINE

IN COLLEGE.

HIS NAME WAS SHAROC-C-C-H!

AND HE CHANGED IT TO TONY.

I WAS LIKE, "HOW DID YOU GO FROM

SHAROC-C-C-H TO TONY?"

I MEAN, SHAROCH TO SEAN,

SHAROCH TO SHANE,

SHAROCH TO SHAMU --

THAT'S FINE.

BUT SHAROCH TO TONY?

AND WHAT'S FUNNY IS

HE WOULD GO BACK AND FORTH,

DEPENDING ON:

IF THERE WAS WOMEN INVOLVED.

IF HE WAS TRYING TO

PICK UP WOMEN, HE'D BE ITALIAN.

IF IT WAS JUST US HANGING OUT,

HE COULD BE IRANIAN.

AND, LIKE, I WOULDN'T KNOW

WHAT'S GOING ON.

I SHOWED UP:

AT THE CAF ONE TIME,

"HEY, SHAROCH, HOW'S IT GOING?

HOW'S IT GOING?"

"Shh! TONY, TONY, TONY."

"THERE ARE GIRLS. TONY, TONY.

TONY.

TONY."

AND WHAT'S FUNNY IS

HE DIDN'T SPEAK ANY ITALIAN,

BUT WHAT HE WOULD DO, HE'D SPEAK

FARSI WITH AN ITALIAN ACCENT.

[ SPEAKING FARSI

WITH ITALIAN ACCENT ]

[ SPEAKING FARSI

WITH ITALIAN ACCENT ]

AND THE GIRLS ARE LIKE,

"WOW, THERE'S 'CHs' IN ITALIAN?

THAT'S KIND OF INTERESTING.

WHY DOES HE KEEP

GRABBING HIS CROTCH?"

OH, MAN.

NO, MAN,

IT'S -- IT'S GREAT, THOUGH.

IT'S GREAT TO HAVE THIS KID.

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