Maz Jobrani: Brown and Friendly Page #3

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IT'S GREAT TO HAVE THIS KID.

MY KID IS A ROCK STAR.

HE'S 5 MONTHS OLD.

HE'S A ROCK STAR, REALLY.

HE WAKES UP:

AT 2:
00 IN THE MORNING,

HE HITS THE BOTTLE HARD,

HE DRINKS TILL HE PUKES.

HE STARTS SCREAMING, "OWW!"

AND HE GOES,

"ROCK 'N' ROLL, MOTHERF***ER!"

IT'S WEIRD.

IT'S REALLY STRANGE.

AND HE GOES, "DADDY,

LET'S GO BANG SOME B*TCHES!"

I'M LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW, SON.

I DON'T THINK YOUR MOM

WOULD LIKE THAT."

THE PROBLEM WITH THESE BABIES --

AND WHO HAS BABIES HERE,

BY APPLAUSE?

WHO'S GOT BABIES?

-WHOO!

YEAH, YOU'LL VOUCH FOR THIS.

THE PROBLEM:

WITH THESE LITTLE GUYS

THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

'CAUSE I TRIED TO COMMUNICATE.

HE WAS CRYING.

HE'S LIKE, "AAH!"

I'M LIKE, "ARE YOU HUNGRY?"

HE'S LIKE, "AAH!"

I GO, "YOU'RE TIRED?"

"AAH!"

"YOU GOT TO PEE?"

"AAH!"

I GO, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME."

HE'S LIKE, "AAH!"

IT'S LIKE,

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"

BUT WE GOT HIM A NANNY.

WE GOT HIM A NANNY.

SO HE'S LEARNING SPANISH.

HE'S LEARNING SPANISH.

WHICH IS COOL,

IT'S COOL, ACTUALLY,

'CAUSE I WANTED HIS FIRST WORD

TO BE "DADDY."

I WANT IT TO BE "DADDY,"

BUT I THINK IT'S GONNA BE

"PADRE," WHICH IS FINE.

AS LONG AS HE DOESN'T PICK UP

HER ACCENT.

I DON'T WANT HIM TO BE,

"HEY, PADRE,

LET'S GO TO THE PARK AND PLAY!"

OH, BOY.

"HEY, PADRE -- GO, RAIDERS!"

OH, MAN.

MY SON'S A GANGBANGER.

ACTUALLY, MY WIFE AND I,

WE GOT MARRIED IN MEXICO.

MEXICO'S BEAUTIFUL.

WE GOT MARRIED IN A PLACE

CALLED ZIHUATANEJO, MEXICO.

BEAUTIFUL PLACE.

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT.

-YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU WERE THERE.

MY FRIENDS WERE THERE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

BEAUTIFUL PLACE. BEAUTIFUL --

ONE THING I'D FORGOTTEN

WAS MEXICANS FROM MEXICO

CAN'T PRONOUNCE MY NAME.

WEIRDEST THING IN THE WORLD.

'CAUSE MY NAME IS "MAZ,"

LIKE THE WORD "MS,"

WHICH MEANS "MORE" IN SPANISH.

FOR SOME REASON, MEXICANS FROM

MEXICO CAN'T PRONOUNCE IT.

AND THE FIRST TIME

I EVER REALIZED THIS,

IT WAS ABOU LIKE 10 YEARS AGO OR SO,

TRYING TO MAKE:

LUNCH RESERVATIONS

AT A MEXICAN RESTAURAN IN LOS ANGELES.

CALLED UP THE RESTAURANT.

I GO,

"HI, I NEED LUNCH FOR MAZ,"

AND THE GUY GOES, "MAX?"

I GO, "NO -- MAZ."

HE GOES, "MAC?"

I GO, "M-A-Z, MAZ."

HE GOES, "MAC!"

I WAS LIKE,

"OKAY, FINE, IT'S MAC."

WHAT DO I CARE?

IT'S JUST LUNCH.

FORGOT ALL ABOUT IT UNTIL I WAS

GETTING MARRIED A FEW YEARS AGO

IN MEXICO BY A MEXICAN PRIEST.

AND I'M MAZ, AND SHE'S PRETHA,

LIKE "ARETHA" BUT WITH A "P."

AND THE GUY STARTED THE CEREMONY

IN FRONT OF:

ALL OUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS,

AND HE STARTS, AND HE GOES,

"DEARLY BELOVED...

WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY..."

"...IN HOLY MATRIMONY

TO BRING TOGETHER

MAX AND RITA."

I WAS LIKE, "UH, DUDE,

IT'S MAZ AND PRETHA."

HE'S LIKE, "MARGARITA?

YOU'RE GONNA BE HAPPY FOREVER.

iVAYA CON DIOS!"

SO WE "VAYAed" CON DIOS,

AND WE HAVE A BABY BOY NOW.

AND IT'S REALLY GREAT.

A FRIEND OF MINE TOLD ME,

HE GOES, "LISTEN, DUDE.

THE FIRST TIME YOU SEE

YOUR BABY BOY BREAST-FEED,

YOU'RE GONNA BE

A LITTLE JEALOUS."

HE SAID, "WATCH HIM. YOU'RE

GONNA BE A LITTLE JEALOUS."

THE KID WAS GETTING READY

TO DO IT,

I WAS WATCHING HIM

LIKE A HAWK.

I WAS LIKE, "GO FOR IT, KID.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.

GO FOR IT, YOU LITTLE PUNK.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT."

AND HE WENT FOR IT,

AND HE WASN'T THAT GOOD.

HE KEPT SLIPPING OFF.

IT WAS REALLY SAD.

HE WAS LIKE, "AH-AH-AH."

"AH-AH-AH-AH-AH.

AH-AH-AH-AHH.

AHH-AH-AHH."

IT LOOKED LIKE HE WAS SHAVING

HIS BEARD WITH HER NIPPLE.

HE'S LIKE, "AH-AH-AHH-AHH-AHH.

AHHHHH."

AND AT ONE POINT,

HE HAD NO NECK, SO HE GOT STUCK.

HE'S LIKE, "AHH!"

I FELT BAD.

I WAS LIKE, "KID, TO THE RIGHT.

TO THE RIGHT!"

HE'S LIKE, "AHH-AH-AH-AH."

SO I DECIDE TO HELP HIM. I DID.

I FINALLY FELT SO BAD,

I GO, "I'M GONNA HELP THIS KID."

I TOOK HIS HEAD:

AND I STUCK I ON HER BREAST.

I GO, "SUCK, KID, SUCK!"

HE TOOK ONE SUCK,

AND HE FELL ASLEEP.

I WAS LIKE,

"WHAT KIND OF MAN IS THIS?"

THIS DOES NOT BODE WELL

FOR THE FUTURE.

'CAUSE THEY SAY WHATEVER HAPPENS

TO YOU WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG

WILL COME BACK AND AFFECT YOU

LATER IN LIFE.

I DON'T WANT THAT HAPPENING

TO THIS KID.

DON'T WANT HIM TO GROW UP,

HAVE A GIRLFRIEND,

GO HOME ONE NIGHT,

GET HER NAKED,

GET HIS HEAD ON HER BREAST,

THEN FALL ASLEEP.

SHE'LL BE LIKE,

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"

HE'S LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'RE LUCKY I'M NOT SLIPPING

OFF ANYMORE."

"I'VE LEARNED HOW TO GRASP IT,

BUT I FALL ASLEEP. I, UH...

I DON'T KNOW."

OH, MAN.

IT'S COOL TO HAVE KIDS.

IT'S COOL.

ONE THING:

THAT HAVING KIDS DOES, THOUGH --

IT REMINDS YOU:

YOU'RE GETTING OLDER.

REMINDS YOU:

YOU'RE GETTING OLDER, MAN.

LIKE, ARE THERE ANY 20-YEAR-OLDS

HERE, IN THEIR MID-20s OR 20s?

-YEAH.

YEAH, SHE'S TOO --

SHE'S SUCH A COOL 20-YEAR-OLD,

PEOPLE CLAP, SHE'S LIKE THIS --

"YO, YEAH.

THAT'S RIGHT. I'M 20, PLAYER.

THAT'S RIGHT."

THAT'S HOW COOL THEY ARE.

THEY COULD DO THAT.

I COULD--

I'D LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.

"HEY, MAN. WHAT'S UP?"

20-YEAR-OLDS.

DO ME A FAVOR, 20-YEAR-OLDS.

AFTER THE SHOW,

JUST RUN INTO A WALL.

FULL SPEED, RUN INTO A WALL.

'CAUSE YOU'LL HEAL. YOU'LL HEAL!

THAT'S AMA-- YOU HEAL!

ONCE YOU HIT 30,

YOU STOP HEALING.

ONCE YOU HIT 30,

YOU START COLLECTING INJURIES.

OH, IT'S REALLY SAD. IT'S SAD.

LIKE, YOU HAVE STORIES

FOR THEM, TOO.

LIKE, I HAVE AN ACHILLES INJURY

FROM THREE YEARS AGO.

I GOT A CALF INJURY

FROM TWO YEARS AGO.

I GOT A GROIN INJURY

FROM LAST YEAR.

PEOPLE GO,

"OH, COOL, YOUR GROIN.

WAS THAT DURING SEX?"

NO, IT WAS DURING WALKING.

I WAS JUST CROSSING THE STREET.

I WAS LIKE,

"DUH DA-DA DA -- OW!"

IT'S A DANGEROUS SPORT.

I MUST REFRAIN:

FROM SUCH ACTIVITY.

I BROKE MY ANKLE THIS YEAR.

BROKE MY -- FIRST TIME.

I'VE BEEN PLAYING SOCCER

FOR OVER 30 YEARS.

FIRST TIME EVER --

BROKE MY ANKLE.

AND IT SUCKED:

'CAUSE I ALWAYS HAD THIS IMAGE

THAT IF I BROKE MY ANKLE

PLAYING SOCCER,

IT WOULD BE SOMETHING GLORIOUS,

YOU KNOW, LIKE IN THE MOVIES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

LIKE, TIME WOULD BE RUNNING OUT,

I DO A BICYCLE KICK, YOU KNOW?

AND THEN I WOULD HEAR, LIKE,

THE CRACK AND GO DOWN.

AND THEN PEOPLE WOULD COME OVER

AND PICK ME UP,

AND THEY'D BE LIKE,

"YOU ALL RIGHT, MAZ?"

I'D BE LIKE, "DID WE WIN?"

THEY'D BE LIKE, "YEAH."

I'D BE LIKE, "ADRIAN!"

LIKE "ROCKY," LIKE "ROCKY."

THAT'S HOW YOU ARE IN YOUR HEAD,

BUT REALITY:

IS NOTHING CLOSE TO THAT.

REALITY IS VERY PITIFUL.

I WAS ON A FIELD

WITH A BUNCH OF OTHER PLAYERS,

BUT NONE OF THEM

WAS WITHIN 20 FEET OF ME.

HOW DO YOU BREAK YOUR LEG

WHEN IT'S JUST YOU AND THE BALL?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

BUT SOMEHOW I MANAGED TO DO IT.

IT WAS SO BAD.

I MEAN,

I GOT ATTACKED BY A BALL.

THAT'S RIGHT, PEOPLE.

I WAS RUNNING, I WAS LIKE,

"HEY, I GOT IT, I GOT IT."

I WAS LIKE, "OH, SH*T!"

I WENT DOWN,

AND I HEARD THE CRACK.

I WAS LIKE,

"THIS IS NOT GLAMOROUS."

AND THE PROBLEM IS, WHEN YOU DO

SOMETHING STUPID LIKE THA AND YOU'RE LAYING DOWN ON YOUR

BACK, YOU'RE VERY VULNERABLE.

AND THE FIRST PERSON

TO COME OVER:

AND TALK TO YOU AT ALL

ABOUT ANYTHING,

YOU'RE GONNA LISTEN TO.

SO THE FIRST PERSON OVER

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