Maz Jobrani: Brown and Friendly Page #4

---

WAS THE MEXICAN REFEREE.

HE CAME OVER,

HE LOOKED AT ME, HE GOES,

"IT'S NOT BROKEN."

I WAS LIKE,

"HOW DO YOU KNOW?"

"IT'S NOT BROKEN!"

AND I'M THINKING,

"WOW, THIS GUY'S A GENIUS.

HAS NOT EVEN TOUCHED ME,

HE KNOWS IT'S NOT BROKEN."

AND THEN HE GOES, "WIGGLE YOUR

TOES, WIGGLE YOUR TOES."

AND AT THAT POINT,

THAT MIGHT BE:

THE WORST THING TO DO

FOR A BROKEN ANKLE,

BUT SINCE HE'S THE ONLY ONE

TALKING, I WAS LISTENING TO HIM.

HE COULD HAVE BEEN LIKE,

"DO THE MACARENA!

DO THE MACARENA!"

I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN UP,

BEEN LIKE,

" HEY, MACARENA!

AH-YOW!"

SO HE SAYS, "WIGGLE YOUR TOES,"

SO I WIGGLE MY TOES.

HE GOES, "SEE?

IT'S NOT BROKEN."

I WAS LIKE,

"YOU ARE A GENIUS, SIR.

BUT I'M GOING TO A HOSPITAL

ANYWAY, JUST CHECK IT OUT."

I GOT THERE, THEY GO,

"IT'S BROKEN."

I'M LIKE, "I KNEW IT!"

AND THE WORST TIMING

IN THE WORLD, PEOPLE.

I BROKE MY ANKLE WHEN MY WIFE

WAS 8 1/2 MONTHS PREGNANT.

-YEAH, THE LADIES KNOW WHA I'M TALKING ABOUT, YEAH.

THAT'S WHEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO

PAMPER YOUR WIFE.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PAMPER HER

WHEN SHE'S

8 1/2 MONTHS PREGNANT.

AND I KNOW SOME OF

THE PERSIAN MEN ARE LIKE,

"MAZ, WHAT IS THIS 'PAMPER'

YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT?"

"NEVER HEARD OF 'PAMPER'

AS A VERB.

NEVER HEARD OF IT.

I KNOW I CAN BUY PAMPERS.

SHE HAS BABY, I BUY PAMPERS.

BUT 'PAMPERING,'

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

THAT ONE:

WENT RIGHT OVER MY HEAD."

PAMPERING -- SHE NEEDS TO BE

TAKEN CARE OF:

'CAUSE YOU WOMEN ARE SPECIAL.

THE PREGNANCY --

YOU WOMEN -- YOU DO IT ALL.

WITH THE PREGNANCY,

YOU ARE AMAZING, WOMEN.

WE DON'T DO IT.

YEAH, GIVE IT UP FOR THE LADIES.

WE DON'T DO ANYTHING.

WE JUST SIT AROUND.

YOU DO EVERYTHING.

MY WIFE STARTED:

HAVING CONTRACTIONS,

WHICH I'M TOLD HURT.

I'VE NEVER HAD ONE BEFORE.

BUT SHE STARTS,

SHE'S LIKE, "AAAAAAH!"

AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I WAS LIKE, "MMMMM."

AND SHE GOES, "OW!"

AND I TOOK THE CLASS,

BUT I FORGOT.

I WAS LIKE, "MMEEEHH!"

AND SHE'S LIKE, "AAAAAH!"

AND I WAS LIKE, "WIGGLE YOUR

TOES, WIGGLE YOUR TOES."

"LET'S SEE

IF YOUR ANKLE'S BROKEN.

I CAN FIGURE THAT OUT."

"IT'S NOT BROKEN."

GETTING OLDER, MAN.

I REMEMBER I WAS IN MY 20s.

MAN, IT GOES FAST.

20-YEAR-OLDS, ENJOY IT.

YEAH.

YEAH, WHAT'S UP, PLAYER?

MAN, WHEN I WAS IN MY EARLY 20s,

MAN, MY DAD WENT BACK TO IRAN.

AND BEING THE OLDEST SON

IN AN IRANIAN FAMILY,

THAT MEANS:

YOU'RE NOW THE MAN OF THE HOUSE.

AND MY MOM TOLD ME, SHE GOES,

"MAZ, CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU ARE NOW:

THE MAN OF THE HOUSE!"

I WAS LIKE, "WOW!

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

DO I GET, LIKE,

A CHECKBOOK OR SOMETHING?

DO I -- DO I GET A NEW CAR?

WHAT COMES WITH THAT?"

SHE GOES, "YOU GET TO DRIVE

YOUR BROTHERS TO SCHOOL.

YOU GET TO DRIVE YOUR

GRANDFATHER GROCERY SHOPPING."

I WAS LIKE,

"SO I'M LIKE A DRIVER?"

SHE GOES, "YOU'RE MORE LIKE

A UTILITY PLAYER.

I WILL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO

AND WHEN TO DO IT."

I GOT TO DO ALL THAT STUFF.

GOT TO DRIVE MY BROTHERS

TO SCHOOL.

ONE OF MY BROTHERS, IRANIAN KID,

GREW UP IN L.A.,

AND IN HIS MID-TEENS,

ALL OF A SUDDEN,

HE STARTED BECOMING ALL HIP-HOP.

HE WAS HIP-HOP.

HE'S LIKE, "YO, DAWG.

WHAT'S UP, PLAYER?

WHAT'S UP, DAWG?

YO, DAWG.

WHAT'S UP, DAWG, DAWG, DAWG?"

AND MY GRANDFATHER

WOULD BE LIKE,

"WHY DOES HE KEEP SAYING 'DOG'?

WE HAVE NO DOGS."

"I THINK HE'S CRAZY. I DON' KNOW WHAT HIS PROBLEM IS.

HE NEEDS A GOOD BEATING.

THAT'S WHAT HE NEEDS.

I WILL BEAT THE DOG

OUT OF HIM."

ONE TIME, I PICKED UP

MY BROTHER FROM SCHOOL,

AND HE HAD THIS TAPE.

HE'S LIKE, "YO, DAWG, YOU GOT TO

LISTEN TO THESE LYRICS, DAWG.

THESE ARE DEEP LYRICS, DAWG.

THESE ARE DEEP."

HE PUT THE TAPE IN THE TAPE

PLAYER, AND THE LYRICS SAID,

"LIFE'S A B*TCH,

AND THEN YOU DIE.

THAT'S WHY WE PUFF LYE

'CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW

WHEN YOU'RE GONNA GO."

IT'S NAS, YEAH.

HE SAID, "LIFE'S A B*TCH,

AND THEN YOU DIE.

THAT'S WHY WE PUFF LYE,

'CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW

WHEN YOU'RE GONNA GO."

BASICALLY,

THE DEPTH OF THE LYRICS ARE,

"LIFE SUCKS, THAT'S WHY WE GE HIGH, 'CAUSE YOU'RE GONNA DIE."

I WAS LIKE, "KID, THAT'S

THE DEPTH OF YOUR LYRICS?"

I GO, "HAVE YOU EVER HEARD

OF PINK FLOYD?"

THAT'S DEEP LYRICS.

THAT'S WHY YOU GET HIGH --

TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE F***

THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT!

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW

WHO'S SINGING ON PINK FLOYD.

LIKE AT THE END:

OF THAT ONE SONG, IT'S LIKE,

"IF YOU DON'T EAT YOUR MEAT,

YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY PUDDING!

HOW CAN YOU HAVE ANY PUDDING

IF YOU DON'T EAT YOUR MEAT?!"

AND YOU'RE LIKE,

"HE'S RIGHT!"

"HOW CAN YOU HAVE ANY PUDDING

IF YOU DON'T EAT YOUR MEAT?!"

"WHO THE F*** IS THAT?!"

MY BROTHER --

DROVE HIM TO SCHOOL.

DROVE MY GRANDFATHER

GROCERY SHOPPING.

HE WAS AMAZING.

MY GRANDFATHER COULD PICK

WATERMELONS BY FLICKING THEM.

IT'S AN AMAZING TECHNIQUE.

WE'D BE AT THE GROCERY STORE,

HE'D BE LIKE THIS.

"NO."

"NO."

"YES!"

I'D BE LIKE, "HOW DO YOU KNOW?"

HE'S LIKE, "DON'T WORRY,

YOUNG JEDI.

PICK IT UP. LET'S GO."

WE'D GO HOME, OPEN IT UP --

SWEETEST WATERMELON

IN THE WORLD.

BUT I NEVER LEARNED.

SO I JUST GO TO RALPHS NOW

AND PRETEND.

MAKE SURE PEOPLE ARE WATCHING.

I'M LIKE, "HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

YEAH. WATCH THIS."

"NO."

"I DON'T THINK SO."

"YES!"

TAKE IT HOME, OPEN IT UP --

ROTTEN.

TRY AND RETURN IT, THEY'RE LIKE,

"YOU CAN'T RETURN

AN OPEN WATERMELON, SIR."

LIKE, "BUT I FLICKED IT.

IT DIDN'T WORK.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!"

GRANDPA WAS AMAZING.

GRANDPA LIVED:

TILL HE WAS 98 OR 100.

WE DON'T KNOW.

WE DON'T KNOW.

HE WAS AMAZING. HE WAS AMAZING.

WE DON'T KNOW HOW OLD HE WAS

BECAUSE HE CAME OVER

WHEN HE WAS IN HIS 80s.

AND WHEN YOU COME TO AMERICA

IN YOUR 80s,

YOU LOSE YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE,

YOU LOSE YOUR NAME,

YOU LOSE YOUR MEMORIES.

EVERYTHING WAS GONE.

SO EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, WHEN

IT WAS SOMEONE ELSE'S BIRTHDAY,

WE'D JUST THROW HIM IN THE MIX.

I SWEAR.

HE HAD LIKE FOUR BIRTHDAYS

A YEAR.

HE'D BE LIKE, "I'M AGING

REALLY FAST THIS YEAR.

WHAT...

COULD HAVE SWORN

I WAS 90 EARLIER.

I'M 94 ALREADY.

AND IT'S ONLY MARCH.

HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?

THIS IS A FAST YEAR."

GRANDPA WAS AMAZING.

GRANDPA WAS VERY

SHARP TILL THE DAY HE DIED.

HE WAS VERY SHARP.

THE ONE THING:

HE NEVER UNDERSTOOD

WAS HOW:

AMERICAN TELEVISION WORKS.

HE THOUGHT EVERYTHING ON TV

WAS REAL.

SO, TILL THE DAY THAT HE DIED,

HE THOUGHT THE BOXING CHAMPION

OF THE WORLD WAS ROCKY BALBOA.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

I COME HOME, HE'S LIKE,

"THE KID WON AGAIN."

I'M LIKE, "WHAT KID?"

HE'S LIKE, "ROCKY!"

I WAS LIKE,

"GRANDPA, THAT'S A MOVIE."

HE'S LIKE,

"NO, I'VE SEEN HIM BEAT TWO

OR THREE DIFFERENT GUYS.

HE BEAT THE RUSSIAN,

TWO BLACK GUYS."

"GRANDPA, THOSE ARE SEQUELS."

HE GOES, "NO, NO.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT A SEQUEL IS.

I KNOW WHO THE CHAMP IS --

ROCKY!"

I WAS LIKE,

"GRANDPA, IT'S A MOVIE."

HE GOES, "OKAY,

NOW YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME

HE DIDN'T GO TO VIETNAM,

EITHER?"

I WAS LIKE, "'RAMBO'?"

HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND

WHAT WAS REAL AND WHAT WAS NOT.

LIKE, WHEN I WAS IN MY TEENS,

WE LEARNED A WAY TO PRESS

THE BUTTONS ON THE CABLE BOX

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes