Maz Jobrani: Brown and Friendly Page #5

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IN A SPECIFIC WAY SO THAT THE

PLAYBOY CHANNEL WOULD COME ON.

SO I WOULD SNEAK INTO OUR LIVING

ROOM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGH TO WATCH THE PLAYBOY CHANNEL.

THE ONLY PROBLEM WAS

THAT GRANDPA SLEP IN THE LIVING ROOM.

SO I'D BE WATCHING

THE PLAYBOY CHANNEL,

AND SUDDENLY HE'D WAKE UP

AND COME SIT NEXT TO ME.

AND HE'D LOOK AT ME, AND GOES,

"IS THIS A WHOREHOUSE?"

I WAS LIKE, "NO, GRANDPA.

IT'S A MOVIE."

HE GOES, "NO, NO,

IT LOOKS LIKE A WHOREHOUSE.

WE SHOULD WATCH TILL THE END

TO FIGURE OUT.

LET'S WATCH ALL THE WAY,

FIGURE IT OUT."

AND THEN AFTER A WHILE,

IT WOULD GET AWKWARD.

I'M WATCHING PORNOGRAPHY

WITH MY GRANDFATHER,

SO I'D BE LIKE, "AHH,

I'M GOING TO SLEEP, GRANDPA.

GOOD NIGHT."

HE'D BE LIKE, "YOU GO TO SLEEP.

I WILL WAIT TO SEE

IF IT'S A WHOREHOUSE. YOU GO.

I WILL REPORT TOMORROW.

GO TO BED, YOUNG JEDI.

GO TO BED. GET OUT OF HERE."

OH, MAN.

YOU GUYS FOLLOW THE ELECTIONS

THIS YEAR? FOLLOW THE ELECTIONS?

-EVERYBODY, RIGHT?

I'LL TELL YOU,

AS A MIDDLE EASTERN AMERICAN,

I WAS A LITTLE OFFENDED

AT SOME OF THE THINGS THAT WERE

SAID DURING THESE ELECTIONS.

'CAUSE WHAT THEY WERE DOING WAS

THEY WERE USING THE NAMES,

THE TERMS ARAB, MUSLIM, IRANIAN,

MIDDLE EASTERN, ALL THAT STUFF,

IN A DEROGATORY FASHION,

THROWING IT IN WITH "TERRORIST."

IT WAS OKAY. IT WAS DEROGATORY.

IT WAS ACCEPTED.

LIKE, THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME

WHEN BARACK OBAMA

AND MICHELLE OBAMA

WERE SWITCHING PLACES ON STAGE,

AND THEY DID THE BUMP.

THEY DID THE FIST BUMP.

AND THIS:

ONE FOX COMMENTATOR GOES,

"OOPS, THERE THEY GO,

DOING THE OLD TERRORIST BUMP.

DOING THE OLD TERRORIST BUMP."

I WAS LIKE, "PEOPLE, SINCE WHEN

HAVE TERRORISTS DONE THE BUMP?"

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A VIDEO

WITH OSAMA BIN LADEN

WHERE HE WAS LIKE, "AMERICA IS

GOING TO COME TO ITS KNEES.

GIVE ME THE BUMP!"

"AND FURTHERMORE,

YOU WILL BE OBLITERATED.

HIGH FIVE!

ALLAH WILLING,

WE'LL BE VICTORIOUS.

HIGH FIVE! DOWN LOW!

TOO SLOW! KEEP IT GOING!"

THE BUMP --

THEY SAID "TERRORIST BUMP"

'CAUSE THAT IMPLIES

MIDDLE EASTERN, MUSLIM, ARAB,

ALL THAT STUFF,

AND THAT'S OKAY TO SAY THAT.

THE BUMP IS A BLACK THING.

IT COMES FROM:

THE URBAN COMMUNITY.

HE COULDN'T HAVE SAID,

"OH, LOOK, THERE'S A BLACK GUY

WHO'S GONNA BE PRESIDENT."

HE COULDN'T SAY THAT.

THAT GUY WAS RACIST.

THAT'S WHY HE SAID

THE TERRORIST THING.

JUST LIKE THAT CRAZY OLD

WHITE LADY AT THE McCAIN RALLY.

DID YOU SEE HER?

THE CRAZY OLD WHITE LADY

AT THE McCAIN RALLY?

SHE TOOK THE MIKE FROM McCAIN,

SHE GOES,

"I DON'T TRUST HIM.

HE'S AN ARAB."

YEAH, AND IF YOU LISTEN

CLOSELY ENOUGH,

SHE WAS ABOUT TO USE

THE "N" WORD.

YEAH, SHE GOES,

"I DON'T TRUST HIM.

HE'S A N--ARAB!"

"THOSE GODDAMN 'NARABS'!

TOOK OVER THE NBA.

NOW THEY WANT TO BE PRESIDENT?"

"NEVER LIKED THE NARABS."

AND WHAT WAS EVEN MORE INSULTING

WAS McCAIN'S RESPONSE.

McCAIN TOOK THE MIKE BACK,

SAID, "NO, NO, MA'AM.

HE'S NOT AN ARAB.

HE'S A GOOD FAMILY MAN."

YEAH, IT TAKES A SECOND

TO SINK IN, RIGHT?

'CAUSE THE LOGIC OF THAT IS

ARABS ARE BAD FAMILY MEN.

'CAUSE I WATCHED, I WAS LIKE,

"YEA-- WHAT THE F***?!"

HIS RESPONSE SHOULD HAVE BEEN,

"MA'AM, HE'S NOT AN ARAB,

BUT THERE'S GOOD ARABS,

THERE'S BAD ARABS.

YOU NEED TO GO HOME,

TAKE YOUR PILLS:

'CAUSE YOU'RE F***ING CRAZY."

SHOULD HAVE BEEN HIS RESPONSE.

BUT THE ELECTION IS OVER,

AND, UH...

YOU KNOW, WE'LL SEE

WHAT HAPPENS, MAN.

WE'LL SEE --

THE ECONOMY'S STILL --

OH, MY GOD, THAT ECONOMY

IS HITTING EVERYBODY.

HITTING ME HARD --

EVERYBODY HARD.

I CALLED UP MY STOCK BROKER

THE OTHER DAY, I GO,

"HEY, MAN,

HOW ARE MY STOCKS DOING?"

HE GOES, "YOU MEAN YOUR STOCK?"

I GO, "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?"

HE GOES, "YOU HAVE ONE LEFT."

I WAS LIKE, "DOUBLE DOWN.

DOUBLE DOWN!"

AT LEAST IN VEGAS, THEY GIVE YOU

FREE DRINKS, RIGHT?

WHAT I'M SAYING IS,

RIGHT ABOUT NOW,

MORGAN STANLEY SHOULD BE

SENDING ME A VODKA CRANBERRY.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

THAT'S ALL I WANT.

ACTUALLY, THERE'S ONE COMPANY

WHO'S DOING REALLY WELL.

EXXON MOBIL JUST SET A RECORD

FOR THE HIGHEST PROFITS EVER

OF ANY COMPANY EVER.

SO I'M HAPPY FOR THEM.

I'M HAPPY THA THE ECONOMY'S WORKING FOR THEM

AND THE WAR IS WORKING FOR THEM.

I'M REALLY HAPPY.

SEE, PEOPLE SAY

IT'S NOT ABOUT OIL.

OF COURSE IT'S ABOUT OIL.

IT'S ABOUT OIL.

IF IT'S NOT ABOUT OIL,

WHY DON'T WE EVER GET INVOLVED

WITH COUNTRIES:

THAT DON'T HAVE OIL?

WHY DON'T WE EVER GET INVOLVED

WITH RWANDA OR DARFUR,

THE DARFUR REGION?

OR WHY DON' WE EVER ATTACK SWITZERLAND?

-JUST FOR FUN.

THEY DON'T EXPECT IT.

THEY'RE ALL NEUTRAL.

THEY'RE ALL SNOOTY, RIGHT?

"OH, WE ARE SWISS.

NO ONE WOULD:

EVER ATTACK US EVER, NO, NO.

WE SKI ALL DAY. WE JUST...

I AM SWISS ON THE MOGULS.

YEAH, LOOK AT ME, OKAY.

THIS IS GREAT.

LOOK AT ME, I'M IN SWITZERLAND.

ALL RIGHT, LIFE IS GOOD.

NO ONE WOULD ATTACK US.

WE HAVE NO OIL."

WE SHOULD, JUST FOR FUN,

BUT WE WOULDN' 'CAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE OIL.

WHAT DO THEY HAVE?

THEY HAVE, LIKE, SWISS CHEESE.

WHICH I THINK:

IS AN AMERICAN INVENTION.

THAT'S NOT REALLY SWISS.

BUT WHATEVER,

WE'LL GIVE IT TO THEM.

THEY HAVE SWISS CHEESE.

THEY HAVE CHOCOLATES --

SWISS CHOCOLATES.

THEY GOT THE SWISS ARMY KNIFE.

YOU COULD BUY THA DOWN THE STREET.

YOU DON'T NEED TO

GO ATTACK THEM, RIGHT?

THAT'S WHY -- I'M TELLING YOU.

LISTEN, IF YOU'RE A COUNTRY

WITH OIL, YOU WILL BE ATTACKED.

-YOU WILL, YEAH. YOU WILL.

YOU'RE ALL GIVING IT UP.

YOU'RE LIKE,

"THAT'S RIGHT, MAZ."

IT'S TRUE, THOUGH. IT'S TRUE.

BEING A COUNTRY WITH OIL

IS LIKE BEING A DRUG DEALER.

YOU GOT TO KNOW:

WHEN TO GET RID OF THE STUFF.

YEAH, YOU GOT TO LOOK OU THE WINDOW AND BE LIKE,

"WHAT? AMERICA'S COMING?

OH, SH*T!

FLUSH IT DOWN THE TOILET.

FLUSH IT DOWN THE TOILET!"

"HELLO, AMERICA.

IRAN NO LONGER HAS OIL.

WE ONLY HAVE:

THE IRANIAN ARMY KNIFE.

IT'S A SPOON."

"FOR RICE. WE LOVE OUR RICE.

WE LOVE OUR RICE."

SPEAKING OF OIL, MAN,

I GOT A CHANCE TO GO TO

THE MIDDLE EAST THIS PAST YEAR.

GOT A CHANCE TO GO

TO THE MIDDLE EAST.

I HIGHLY ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO

TRAVEL TO THE MIDDLE EAS 'CAUSE THERE'S A LO OF GOOD PEOPLE OUT THERE.

LOT OF PEOPLE:

DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, YOU KNOW?

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW

THERE'S A LOT OF GOOD PEOPLE,

LOT OF GOOD COUNTRIES TO SEE.

I WENT TO KUWAIT, FOR EXAMPLE.

-I WENT TO KUWAIT.

-WHOO!

IS THAT A KUWAITI IN THE CROWD?

RIGHT ON.

HOW ARE YOU, HABIBI?

HOW ARE YOU? HOW ARE YOU?

ALLAH MASHALLAH,

ALLAH MASHALLAH.

ALLAH, ALLAH, ALLAH.

SEE, THEY DO IT, TOO.

ARABS DO IT -- ALLAH MASHALLAH.

IRANIANS -- WE DO,

"ALLAH, HELLO, HOW ARE YOU?"

JAPANESE. JAPANESE DO IT.

JAPANESE GO LIKE THIS.

"ARIGATO. DOMO ARIGATO."

I ONCE SAW TWO JAPANESE DUDES

DO THAT, LIKE, FOR HALF AN HOUR.

THEY WERE DOING, "ARIGATO,

DOMO ARIGATO, ARIGATO."

'CAUSE IT'S A RESPECT THING,

AND THE POINT IS

ONE OF THEM'S GOT TO GIVE UP

AND WALK AWAY.

I SWEAR, THEY WERE OUTSIDE,

THIS POOR VALET WAS LIKE,

"HURRY UP,

SOMEBODY. LET'S DO THIS!"

I SWEAR,

THESE GUYS WERE HAVING --

"ARIGATO, DOMO ARIGATO,

ARIGATO."

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