Maz Jobrani: Brown and Friendly Page #6

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AT ONE POINT,

ONE OF THEIR BACKS GAVE OUT,

SO THE GUY WAS LIKE, "ARIGATO,

DOMO ARIGATO -- ARIGATO!"

"ARIGATO, DOMO ARIGATO, ARIGATO,

DOMO ARIGATO, ARIGATO,

DOMO ARIGATO."

AND THEN HIS NECK GOT STUCK.

"ARIGATO!

ARIGATO, DOMO ARIGATO, ARIGATO,

DOMO ARIGATO, ARIGATO,

DOMO ARIGATO."

IT'S A GOOD CULTURAL THING

WE DO, MAN.

KUWAIT. KUWAIT WAS A COOL PLACE

TO CHECK OUT, MAN.

THERE'S A LOT OF MONEY

IN KUWAIT. OH, MY GOD.

I REALIZE WHY WE GOT INVOLVED

IN GULF WAR I.

LOT OF OIL, LOT OF MONEY.

AND THE WAY I REALIZED

THERE WAS MONEY:

IS WE WENT TO DINNER

WITH A KUWAITI,

AND THE BILL CAME,

AND THE GUY GOES,

"DON'T WORRY, HABIBI,

I WILL PAY FOR IT.

I HAVE A GOLD CARD."

I GO, "NO, HABIBI,

YOU DON'T WORRY.

I'LL PAY FOR IT.

I HAVE A PLATINUM CARD."

HE GOES, "NO, HABIBI,

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

MY CARD IS MADE OUT OF GOLD."

"I WILL BUY DINNER,

AND THEN I WILL BUY YOU.

YOU WILL BE MY KUWAITI B*TCH."

LIKE, "WHATEVER YOU WANT, SIR.

MAKE IT FAST. MAKE IT FAST."

SOME OF THE PERSIANS --

"WHOA!

HE BENT OVER!

ONE MORE E-MAIL.

ONE MORE E-MAIL!"

KUWAIT WAS A COOL COUNTRY, MAN.

I WENT TO DUBAI.

I WENT TO DUBAI.

WHO'S BEEN TO DUBAI? DUBAI?

THAT'S RIGHT.

"LA-DI-DA-DI, I'M AN EMIRATI."

THEY'RE RICH!

THEY'RE SO RICH,

THEY BUILT A SKI SLOPE

IN THE MIDDLE OF DUBAI.

IT'S CRAZY.

IT'S LIKE

120-DEGREE WEATHER OUTSIDE,

AND THEY GOT A BUILDING,

AND THEY PUT SNOW

AND AIR-CONDITIONING --

YOU CAN GO SKIING.

AND THIS ONE GUY TOLD ME,

HE GOES,

"HABIBI, WE'RE GOING TO MAKE I EVEN MORE REALISTIC.

WE'RE GOING TO ADD

SOME FEATURES.

WE'RE GOING TO PUT A TREE

IN THE MIDDLE.

SO YOU CAN CRASH INTO IT.

THEN WE WILL BUILD A CLIFF

SO YOU CAN SKI OFF OF IT.

IF YOU GO TOO FAR, THERE'S A

POLAR BEAR THAT WILL ATTACK YOU.

WELL, IT'S NOT REALLY

A POLAR BEAR,

IT'S JUST A HAIRY ARAB GUY."

"WE PAINTED HIM WHITE.

HE COMES OUT AND GOES,

'ROAR! HABIBI!'"

"IT'S MY COUSIN. HE HAD NO JOB.

I GIVE IT TO HIM."

DUBAI, MAN. THEY'RE RICH.

THEY'RE SO RICH,

THEY COULD NEVER HAVE THE GAME

"WHEEL OF FORTUNE" IN DUBAI.

WOULDN'T LAST.

FIRST GAME, FIRST CONTESTANT,

IT WOULD END.

FIRST GAME, FIRST CONTESTANT,

IT'D BE,

"MR. PAT SAJAK, I WOULD LIKE TO

BUY ALL THE VOWELS.

YEAH, GIVE ME A, E, I, O, U,

AND SOMETIMES Y."

"IF I PAY CASH, WILL YOU

THROW IN THE BLOND WOMAN?

I WANT THE BLOND WOMAN,

MR. PAT SAJAK."

THERE'S A LOT OF INDIANS

IN DUBAI.

LOT OF INDIANS IN DUBAI.

I DIDN'T KNOW

THERE WERE SO MANY, AND I WAS

DOING A GIG,

AND THEY GO, "LISTEN,

WE'RE GONNA SEND A DRIVER

TO PICK YOU UP."

SO I WENT DOWN TO THE LOBBY,

AND THERE WAS THIS INDIAN GUY,

AND I GO,

"HE MUST BE MY DRIVER."

'CAUSE HE WAS STANDING THERE

IN A CHEAP SUI WITH A THIN MUSTACHE,

AND HE WAS STARING AT ME.

JUST STARING AT ME.

I GO,

"HE'S GOT TO BE MY DRIVER."

SO I WENT OVER, I GO, "EXCUSE

ME, SIR, ARE YOU MY DRIVER?"

HE GOES, "NO, SIR,

I OWN THE HOTEL."

I WAS LIKE, "OH, I'M SORRY.

THEN WHY WERE YOU

STARING AT ME?"

HE GOES,

I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY DRIVER."

LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, WHATEVER.

GO AHEAD. YOU TOO. DO IT."

"OH, MY GOD!"

I WENT TO BAHRAIN. BAHRAIN.

THAT'S A COOL PLACE.

BAHRAIN'S A COOL PLACE.

I MEAN,

IT'S NOT COOL WEATHERWISE.

IT'S COOL TO CHECK OUT.

ACTUALLY, FOR A COUNTRY WITH

THE NAME "RAIN" IN THE NAME,

IT'S REALLY NOT COLD.

IT'S ACTUALLY VERY HOT.

IT SHOULD BE CALLED BAHHOT!

BAHHOT!

BAH-F***ING-HOT!

REALLY HOT.

THERE'S A LOT OF INDIANS THERE,

TOO.

IT'S WEIRD. EVERYWHERE I GO,

THERE'S A LOT OF INDIANS.

YEAH, EVERYWHERE I GO.

HAVE A FEELING THAT ONE DAY

I'M GONNA GO TO INDIA,

THERE'S GONNA BE

ONE INDIAN LEFT.

"SIR, YOU SHOULD HAVE

COME EARLIER.

THERE WAS A BUNCH OF US.

THEY ALL LEFT. THEY'RE GONE.

I KNOW YOU -- 'HAR DA DAR DAR.'

I KNOW YOU.

'HAR DA DAR DAR DAR.'

I KNOW YOU.

I KNOW YOU."

WENT TO BAHRAIN.

WENT TO LEBANON. LEBANON.

-WHOO!

-LEBANESE IN THE HOUSE!

BIGGEST PARTY PLACE

IN THE WORLD.

THESE GUYS LIVE LIFE.

CARPE DIEM --

THAT'S WHAT THEY DO.

IT'S A GREAT PLACE.

GO CHECK IT OUT.

'CAUSE THE PROBLEM IS, SEE,

THEY'VE BEEN IN SOME KIND OF

CONFLICT FOR THE PAST 50 YEARS.

WAR ALL THE TIME,

SO THEY JUST LIVE LIKE IT'S LAS DAY ON EARTH, "WE'RE PARTYING."

I SWEAR.

IN LEBANON, "WE PARTY, WE PARTY,

WE PARTY," ALWAYS.

LIKE LAST YEAR, WHEN I WENT,

THEY HAD NO PRESIDENT.

AND USUALLY, MOST COUNTRIES,

IF YOU HAVE NO PRESIDENT,

YOU WOULD SHUT IT DOWN

TILL YOU ELECT A PRESIDEN AND THEN LIFE GOES ON.

NOT IN LEBANON. I WAS IN BEIRUT.

I GO, "HABIBI, I DON'T KNOW

WHO'S YOUR PRESIDENT."

HE GOES, "HABIBI,

WE DON'T HAVE A PRESIDENT.

BUT TONIGHT, WE PARTY, WE PARTY.

WE PARTY."

AND IT'S CRAZY --

WHENEVER YOU LEAVE AMERICA,

YOU REALIZE:

THAT CERTAIN COUNTRIES,

WHETHER IT'S MEXICO

OR MIDDLE EAS OR LATIN AMERICAN COUNTRIES,

A LOT OF COUNTRIES,

THERE'S CERTAIN WORDS

THAT DON'T EXIST IN OTHER

COUNTRIES THAT EXIST HERE.

FOR EXAMPLE, IN BEIRUT,

IN THE DRIVING,

THERE'S NO WORD

FOR THE WORD "LANE."

THERE'S NO WORD FOR THE --

NO LANES.

AND, AGAIN,

IT'S THE SAME IN MEXICO

AND ALL:

THE MIDDLE EASTERN COUNTRIES.

NO WORD FOR "LANE."

JUST DOES NOT EXIST.

I WAS IN BEIRUT,

AND OUR DRIVER WAS DRIVING.

HE'S LIKE,

"MAYBE I GO OVER HERE.

MAYBE I GO OVER HERE.

I LIKE IT OVER HERE NOW.

I LIKE IT OVER --"

HE WASN'T EVEN

LOOKING STRAIGHT AHEAD.

HE'S LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU GUYS

WANT TO DO?

WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?

WHAT DO YOU FEEL LIKE DOING?

OH, FROM IRAN. I LIKE IRAN.

OKAY."

IT WAS CRAZINESS!

AT ONE POINT, OUR DRIVER MADE

A RIGHT-HAND TURN

FROM THE FAR-LEFT LANE!

THROUGH SIX LANES OF TRAFFIC!

HE JUST WENT FOR IT.

HE'S LIKE, "F*** IT.

50 YEARS OF WAR,

I'M GOING FOR IT."

AND IF YOU'VE EVER

BEEN A PASSENGER

IN ONE OF THESE CARS

OUTSIDE THIS COUNTRY,

YOU KNOW IT'S THE FREAKIES MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE.

WE WERE GOING THROUGH TRAFFIC,

AND I WAS LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD. I'M GONNA DIE."

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I LOOK UP,

AND THERE'S A CAR COMING AT US,

AND THE CAR:

GOT WITHIN THREE FEET,

AND SUDDENLY A SCOOTER WEN RIGHT BETWEEN US!

WITH FIVE PEOPLE ON IT!

EACH CARRYING A WATERMELON!

THE DRIVING IS CRAZY.

LIKE, IN IRAN --

A FRIEND OF MINE ONE TIME ASKED,

"HEY, MAZ,

BACK IN THE OLD COUNTRY,

WHEN YOU GUYS WENT TO WORK,

DID YOU HAVE CAMEL TRAFFIC JAMS?

DID YOU HAVE:

CAMEL TRAFFIC JAMS?"

I WAS LIKE, "DUDE, NO, WE DRIVE

CARS JUST LIKE IN AMERICA."

I SAID, "THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS,

IT'S JUST A LITTLE CRAZIER."

LIKE I SAID, IT'S MORE CROWDED,

AND AS YOU DRIVE,

PEOPLE ARE CROSSING THE FREEWAY.

LIKE A GRANDMOTHER'S

CROSSING THE FREEWAY

WITH, LIKE, A PET ROOSTER.

I SAID,

"IT'S MORE LIKE A VIDEO GAME.

IT'S LIKE A VIDEO GAME,

BASICALLY."

THERE SHOULD BE A GAME,

A VIDEO GAME,

CALLED:

"MIDDLE EAST DRIVING GAME."

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

"WELCOME TO TEHRAN. GOOD LUCK."

"OH, SH*T."

BEEP, BEEP!

I ALSO TOLD HIM,

"THE OTHER DIFFERENCE IS --

FOR EXAMPLE, IN AMERICA,

WHEN YOU MISS YOUR EXIT,

YOU JUST GO TO THE NEXT EXIT,

YOU COME BACK, AND YOU GO AGAIN.

BUT IN IRAN, WHEN THE GUY

MISSES THE EXIT,

HE JUST PUTS IT IN REVERSE

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