Maz Jobrani: Brown and Friendly Page #7

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RIGHT ON THE FREEWAY."

WHICH IS THE SCARIEST MOMEN OF YOUR LIFE --

WHEN YOUR DRIVER'S LOOKING

AT YOU,

GOING BACKWARDS ON THE FREEWAY.

I WAS LIKE,

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

HE'S LIKE, "I MISSED MY EXIT.

I MISSED MY EXIT."

I WAS LIKE, "GO AROUND."

HE'S LIKE, "DON'T WORRY.

I TAKE CARE OF IT."

AND WHAT'S CRAZY IS, IN IRAN,

THEY'RE USED TO IT,

SO EVERYONE WAS JUST GOING, "OH,

HE MUST HAVE MISSED HIS EXIT.

GO AROUND, GO AROUND.

COME ON, HURRY UP.

HURRY UP, HURRY UP!

GO."

I'VE BEEN TO THE MIDDLE EAST.

I WENT TO JORDAN.

-JORDAN WAS COOL.

-WHOO!

ONE GUY -- THANK YOU.

JORDAN IS GREAT, MAN.

WE GOT TO JORDAN --

I WAS PART OF:

THE AXIS OF EVIL COMEDY TOUR

WE WENT TO DO IN JORDAN,

AND I SHOWED UP,

AND THE SHOWS WERE SOLD OUT.

AND I GO, "HEY, HABIBI, HOW DID

YOU GUYS KNOW ABOUT US?"

HE GOES,

"HABIBI, WE SAW YOU ON YouTube.

WE SAW YOU ON YouTube.

I SAW IT ON YouTube."

AND I HAVE A LOT OF CLIPS

ON YouTube,

AND YOU CAN GO:

AND WATCH MY CLIPS ON YouTube,

AND IT'S PRETTY COOL.

BUT WHAT'S EVEN MORE INTERESTING

IS READING THE COMMENTS

THAT PEOPLE MAKE,

BECAUSE YOU REALIZE THAT PEOPLE

MAKING COMMENTS ON YouTube

ARE CRAZY.

YEAH.

'CAUSE THE FIRST TIME

I STARTED READING IT --

I SWEAR, I STARTED READING,

THE FIRST GUY WAS LIKE,

"I LIKE THIS GUY."

I WAS LIKE, "GREAT!"

AND THE SECOND GUY GOES,

"THIS GUY ROCKS!"

I'M LIKE, "COOL!"

AND THEN THE THIRD GUY GOES,

"THIS GUY SUCKS!"

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL?

THAT'S NOT COOL."

BUT THEN SUDDENLY, THE FIRST GUY

CAME TO MY DEFENSE.

HE GOES, "I'M GONNA FIND YOU

AND KILL YOU."

I WAS LIKE, "I'D BETTER LOG OFF,

OR I'LL BE AN ACCOMPLICE

TO A CRIME."

YouTubers ARE CRAZY.

OH, MY GOD. JORDAN.

JORDAN, TOO, IT'S FUNNY

BECAUSE IN MY PREVIOUS SHOW

THAT I'D DONE,

I DID THIS BI ABOUT HOW IRANIANS,

WE DON'T SAY WE'RE IRANIAN --

WE SAY WE'RE PERSIAN

BECAUSE IT SOUNDS

NICER AND FRIENDLIER,

AND WE SMILE WHEN WE SAY IT.

"HI, I'M PERSIAN. HOW ARE YOU?

HI."

WE TALK LIKE THIS.

"HI, HOW ARE YOU?"

AND I SAID, "WE SAY

WE'RE PERSIAN LIKE THE CAT.

MEOW!

MEOW, MEOW.

MEOW."

SO THAT'S A BIT I DID BEFORE,

BUT SUDDENLY IT BECAME

LIKE A CATCHPHRASE.

IT WAS A CATCHPHRASE.

SO NOW WHEREVER I GO, LIKE IN

ALL THE ARAB COUNTRIES --

I WAS IN JORDAN,

AND THIS GUY JUST LOST HIS MIND.

HE SAW ME,

HE WAS LIKE, "MAZ JOBRANI!

PERSIAN CAT!

HEY, HEY! MEOW, MEOW!

COME ON! MEOW! MEOW, MEOW!

I AM DOG.

I EAT YOU!

COME ON! COME ON.

MEOW!

LIKE, "CALM DOWN, HABIBI."

BUT ONE THING YOU REALIZE

WHEN YOU TRAVEL AROUND THE WORLD

IS THAT AMERICA:

IS A GREAT COUNTRY.

IT IS. IT IS A GREAT COUNTRY.

THIS IS A GREAT COUNTRY WE LIVE

IN, YOU GUYS, IT REALLY IS.

IT REALLY IS.

AND WE'RE ALL CITIZENS.

YOU KNOW, WE'RE ALL CITIZENS.

AND, UH -- I MEAN,

SOME OF US HAVE GREEN CARDS.

SOME OF US HAVE GREEN --

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

AND SOME OF US ARE ILLEGAL.

THAT'S FINE.

IT'S ALL-INCLUSIVE, ALL RIGHT?

WE'RE NOT BUILDING

ANY WALLS HERE.

LOU DOBBS IS NOT IN THE HOUSE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

WE'RE GONNA KEEP YOU.

BUT WE ALL HAVE STORIES.

LIKE, A LOT OF IMMIGRANTS --

EVERYONE --

IMMIGRANTS CAME TO THIS COUNTRY,

AND I WAS 6 YEARS OLD

WHEN I CAME TO THIS COUNTRY.

I WAS 6 YEARS OLD, AND WHEN YOU

FIRST COME TO THIS COUNTRY,

YOU TRY AND BLEND IN

AS MUCH AS YOU CAN.

I WOULD DO WHATEVER IT TOOK

TO BLEND IN.

I WOULD PLAY BASEBALL.

I WOULD EAT APPLE PIE.

I WOULD EAT APPLE PIE

WHILE PLAYING BASEBALL.

WHATEVER IT TOOK.

AND THINGS WOULD BE GOING GREAT.

I'D BE AT THE PLAYGROUND

PLAYING WITH MY FRIENDS

SAM, BRETT, JESSE.

LIFE IS GOOD.

SURE, MY NAME IS MAZ, BUT THEY

DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT'S FROM.

THEY DON'T KNOW, RIGHT?

EVERYTHING'S COOL.

UNTIL MY DAD WOULD COME BY

TO PICK ME UP.

AND HE WOULD SHOW UP

IN HIS MERCEDES-BENZ,

WHICH IS:

STANDARD PERSIAN-ISSUE CAR.

AND HE WOULD HAVE THE CAR FILLED

WITH THE ENTIRE FAMILY.

FOR SOME REASON, WE CAN' GO ANYWHERE WITH TWO OF US.

THERE'S GOT TO BE

LIKE 50 OF US IN THE CAR.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

ANYTIME YOU SEE A CAR

FILLED WITH PEOPLE,

IT'S EITHER MIDDLE EASTERNERS

OR MEXICANS.

IT'S ONE OF THOSE TWO.

EVEN FOR SHORT TRIPS.

MY DAD WOULD BE LIKE,

"OKAY, EVERYBODY IN THE CAR.

WE'RE GOING TWO BLOCKS

TO PICK UP MAZ.

GET GRANDMOTHER IN THERE.

GET GRANDMA, EVERYBODY.

GET THE ROOSTER.

PUT THE ROOSTER IN THE CAR.

PUT THE ROOSTER...

WE CAN'T LEAVE THE ROOSTER

AT HOME ALONE.

RAHEEM THE ROOSTER --

PUT HIM IN THE CAR.

PUT HIM IN THE CAR."

AND THEY WOULD SHOW UP

AT THE PARK,

THIS CAR FILLED WITH PEOPLE.

I'D BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

WHY'D THEY BRING

THE WHOLE VILLAGE?"

AND I WOULDN'T LOOK.

I WOULDN'T LOOK.

AND THEN MY DAD:

WOULD GET OUT OF THE CAR,

AND HE'D BE REEKING OF COLOGNE.

WHICH WE LOVE TO DO.

WE DON'T PUT ON TWO SPRAYS.

WE POUR:

THE WHOLE BOTTLE ON OURSELVES --

WHICH IS WHY MIDDLE EASTERNERS,

WE WOULD:

NEVER MAKE GOOD BURGLARS.

WE'D NOT BE GOOD BURGLARS

'CAUSE THE HOMEOWNER WOULD SMELL

US IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

THEY'D BE LIKE

"IS THAT ARMANI?

I SMELL ARMANI."

"I JUST CAME TO ROB ONE RUG.

ONE RUG.

I PUT ON ARMANI IN CASE.

YOU NEVER KNOW.

HOW ARE YOU? YOU GOOD?

GREAT.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

I DID NOT KNOW YOU LIVED HERE.

HOW ARE YOU?

CAN I TAKE THE RUG, PLEASE?

I JUST WANT THE RUG."

WE'D NEVER BE GOOD BURGLARS

'CAUSE WE POUR THAT STUFF ON.

SO MY DAD:

WOULD GET OUT OF THE CAR.

I'D BE SMELLING HIM

FROM 50 YARDS OUT.

I'D BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

WHY'D HE USE THE WHOLE BOTTLE?"

STILL AVOIDING HIM,

AND THEN HE WOULD CALL FOR ME

WITH HIS THICK PERSIAN ACCENT.

HE WOULD CALL FOR ME --

"MAZIAR!"

"TIME TO GO HOME.

LET'S GO HOME."

AND I'D BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

I DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS.

I THINK:

HE'S TRYING TO KIDNAP ME."

"THAT'S AL-QAEDA IN THE CAR."

AND MY FATHER WOULD BE LIKE,

"SON, YOU SHOULD BE PROUD.

YOU SHOULD BE PROUD, SON.

WE ARE PERSIAN, SON.

YOU SHOULD BE PROUD.

WE HAD AN EMPIRE.

WE HAD AN EMPIRE.

2,000 YEARS AGO,

WE HAD AN EMPIRE.

RIGHT NOW IT'S BEING REMODELED."

"RIGHT NOW

IT'S MORE LIKE A DUPLEX.

IT'S A DUPLEX.

BUT ONE DAY -- EMPIRE.

EMPIRE."

THEN I GREW A FEW YEARS,

A FEW YEARS WENT BY,

AND THEN:

THE HOSTAGE SITUATION HAPPENED.

I WAS IN THE FOURTH GRADE WHEN

THE HOSTAGE SITUATION HAPPENED.

AND I DIDN'T KNOW

WHAT WAS GOING ON.

AND THIS SIXTH GRADER

WELCOMED ME TO AMERICA.

THIS SIXTH GRADER, VERY NICE,

WELCOMED ME TO AMERICA.

HE WELCOMED ME BY CALLING ME

A "F***ING 'I-RAIN-IAN.'"

AND I WAS LIKE,

"DUDE, FIRST OF ALL,

IT'S NOT 'I-RAIN-IAN,'

IT'S 'IR-RAHN-IAN.'

AND SECONDLY,

YOU'RE BIGGER THAN ME,

SO IT'S WHATEVER

YOU WANT IT TO BE."

BUT WHAT THAT GUY

DID NOT TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION

WAS THAT ONE DAY I'D GROW UP

AND GET TO PERFORM

IN FRONT OF A LOT OF PEOPLE A A TIME, AND I COULD TELL THEM,

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

JIM IS AN A**HOLE."

YEAH, BABY!

SPREAD THE WORD.

MAKE IT A MySpace BULLETIN.

"SUBJECT -- JIM

BODY -- A**HOLE."

MAKE IT A FACEBOOK INVITE.

"YOU'RE INVITED TO THE

JIM A**HOLE PARTY."

I'M SURE THAT WORD

WILL GET TO HIM AT SOME POIN AND HE'LL TRY TO SUE ME,

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