Maz Jobrani: Brown and Friendly Page #8

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BUT, HEY, MY WIFE'S A LAWYER,

SO BRING IT ON, B*TCH.

"HAR DA DA DAR!"

THAT'S THE BEAUTY

OF BEING IRANIAN --

WE HAVE NO SHORTAGE

OF LAWYER FRIENDS.

LIKE, A LOT OF

MY OTHER COMEDIAN FRIENDS --

I GOT BLACK COMEDIAN FRIENDS,

AND THEIR POSSE:

ARE, LIKE, BIG DUDES.

THEY GOT, LIKE, REAL BIG DUDES.

MY POSSE IS, LIKE, A LAWYER,

A DOCTOR, AND AN ACCOUNTANT.

I SWEAR.

I'LL BE LIKE,

"YEAH, YOU WANT TO FIGHT?

BRING IT ON, BRING IT ON.

WE'LL SUE YOU.

SUE HIM, B*TCH, SUE HIM.

YOU MESS ME UP,

HE'S GONNA SEW ME BACK UP --

SEW ME BACK UP, PLAYER!

YOU WANT TO RUN SOME NUMBERS?

LET'S GO.

ACCOUNT! ACCOUNT, B*TCH!"

THAT'S OUR POSSE.

YEAH, MAN. GROWING UP HERE.

THEN SEPTEMBER 11th HAPPENED.

THAT HAPPENED,

AND THAT WAS NOT GOOD EITHER.

I HAVE BEEN LUCKY.

I HAVEN'T HAD ANY RACISM

DIRECTLY TOWARDS ME,

BUT ACTUALLY SOMETHING HAPPENED

TO MY MOM AFTER SEPTEMBER 11th.

THIS HAPPENED TO MY MOM.

SHE WAS AT A GROCERY STORE.

SHE WAS SHOPPING.

AND THERE WAS A CART IN HER WAY

AND SHE HAD TO GET TO THE SHELF,

AND THERE WAS NO ONE

BY THE CART,

SO SHE MOVED THE CART, GOT HER

PRODUCT, WAS ABOUT TO LEAVE.

THE LADY CAME BACK AND GOES,

"EXCUSE ME, WHO MOVED MY CART?"

AND MY MOM:

HAS A THICK PERSIAN ACCENT,

YOU KNOW, SO PEOPLE KNOW

SHE'S NOT FROM THIS COUNTRY.

AND SHE SAID, "I DID IT.

IT WAS IN MY WAY.

I HAD TO GET TO THE CEREAL,

SO I HAD TO MOVE IT,

AND IT WAS IN MY WAY,

SO I DID IT."

AND RIGHT AWAY,

THE LADY GOES,

"WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK

TO YOUR COUNTRY?"

YEAH, RIGHT AWAY.

AND MY MOM GOES,

"THIS IS MY COUNTRY."

-YEAH, YEAH.

BUT THEN THE LADY TOOK HER OWN

CART AND STARTED WALKING AWAY.

AND AS SHE WAS WALKING AWAY,

SHE TURNED TO MY MOM

AND GOES, "B*TCH."

AND MY MOM IS A LADY --

"I'M A PERSIAN LADY.

I AM SOPHISTICATED.

WE DO NOT SWEAR.

WE DO NOT SWEAR."

SO SHE CAME BACK WITH THE BES COMEBACK SHE COULD THINK OF.

SHE SAID,

"SHE WHO SAYS IT, IS IT."

GO, MOM!

IT'S LIKE STRAIGHT OUT OF

THE FIFTH GRADE, RIGHT?

"I KNOW YOU ARE,

BUT WHAT AM I?

I AM RUBBER.

YOU ARE GLUE.

WHAT YOU SAY BOUNCE OFF OF ME

AND STICK TO YOU!"

MY MAMA.

OH, MAN.

AS A MIDDLE EASTERN AMERICAN,

I'VE BEEN WATCHING THE NEWS.

I WATCH I FROM THAT POINT OF VIEW.

I LOOK FOR, YOU KNOW,

BIASES IN THERE.

I WAS WATCHING THE NEWS

LAST YEAR.

THERE WAS THIS PLO TO BLOW UP JFK AIRPORT.

I WAS WATCHING THE NEWS.

I WAS LIKE, "PLEASE DON'T BE

MIDDLE EASTERN.

PLEASE DON'T BE MIDDLE EASTERN."

AND THE NEWS CAME OUT.

THEY SAID THEY'RE GUYANESE.

I WAS LIKE, "YES!

THOSE DAMN GUYANESE.

YOU CAN'T TRUST THEM.

YOU CAN'T TRUST THE GUYANESE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE THAT IS.

BUT YOU CAN'T TRUST THEM."

BUT THEN THE NEXT DAY,

THE NEWS CAME OUT.

THEY SAID, "BUT THEY'RE MUSLIM."

I WAS LIKE, "DAMN!"

I WAS LIKE, "JUST ONCE

CAN'T IT BE ANOTHER RELIGION?

JUST ONCE. JUST ONCE,

COULDN'T IT BE A BUDDHIST?

JUST ONCE."

BUT THEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

IT WILL NEVER BE A BUDDHIST,

RIGHT?

'CAUSE THE BUDDHISTS

LIVE IN THE MOMENT, RIGHT?

A BUDDHIST WOULD BE LIKE,

"I WAS GONNA BLOW MYSELF UP..."

"BUT THAT MOMENT IS GONE.

I AM IN ANOTHER MOMEN RIGHT NOW.

I DON'T FEEL VERY EXPLOSIVE.

I FEEL LIKE DANCING.

I FEEL LIKE DANCING RIGHT NOW."

IN THE NEWS -- THIS WAS

IN THE NEWS LAST YEAR.

THERE WAS AN AIRPLANE

LEAVING MINNEAPOLIS AIRPORT.

THERE WERE SIX IMAMS

OUTSIDE THE PLANE.

THEY WERE PRAYING

BEFORE THEY GOT ON THE PLANE.

THE PASSENGERS SAW THEM PRAYING,

FREAKED OUT, TOLD THE PILOT,

AND THE PILO KICKED THEM OFF THE PLANE.

I HEARD THA AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,

"I'M PRETTY SURE

THE JOB OF AL-QAEDA

IS TO LAY LOW:

BEFORE GETTING ON THE PLANE."

AL-QAEDA'S NOT GONNA BE PRAYING

BEFORE THEY GET ON THE PLANE,

RIGHT?

THEY'RE NOT GONNA BE RUNNING

AROUND THE AIRPORT GOING,

"LUH-LUH-LUH-LUH-LUH!"

BEFORE THEY GET ON THE PLANE,

RIGHT?

I'M NOT WORRIED

ABOUT THE GUYS PRAYING

BEFORE THEY GET ON THE PLANE.

I'M WORRIED ABOUT THE GUY

WHO'S TRYING TO BLEND IN

TOO HARD, RIGHT?

I'M WORRIED ABOUT THE GUY WHO'S

COMING UP GOING, "HEY, BUDDY...

HOW ABOUT THOSE YANKEES?

THEY WILL WIN THE SUPER BOWL

THIS YEAR."

I'D BE LIKE, "THAT'S YOUR GUY

RIGHT THERE!"

THIS WAS ON "60 MINUTES"

LAST YEAR.

"60 MINUTES"

DID A PIECE ON THE U.S. NAVY.

THE U.S. NAVY FIRED SOME ARABIC

TRANSLATORS WHO ARE AMERICAN,

BUT THEY WERE DOING

ARABIC TRANSLATIONS.

THEY FIRED THEM BECAUSE

THEY FOUND OUT THEY WERE GAY.

YEAH, THERE'S A "DON'T ASK,

DON'T TELL" POLICY

IN THE MILITARY.

THEY FOUND OUT THEY'RE GAY.

THEY FIRED THEM.

I HEARD THAT AND I THOUGHT TO

MYSELF, "WHAT ARE WE AFRAID OF?

WHAT, ARE THEY GONNA 'GAY UP'

THE TRANSLATION?"

RIGHT? ARE THEY GONNA BE LIKE,

"OKAY, I HEAR

SOME CHATTER.

THERE'S GONNA BE A BOMBING

AT THE EMBASSY.

AND A SALE AT PRADA! OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD."

IT'S A STUPID POLICY, MAN.

THIS WAS IN THE NEWS LAST YEAR.

LAST YEAR IN SCOTLAND,

THESE GUYS DROVE THEIR S.U.V.

INTO THE AIRPORT.

AND MY FRIEND COMES UP TO ME,

HE GOES, "HEY, BRO.

THOSE ARE YOUR PEOPLE, BRO.

YOUR PEOPLE. YOUR PEOPLE DID IT.

YOUR PEOPLE, YOUR PEOPLE.

MIDDLE EASTERN. YOUR PEOPLE.

YOUR PEOPLE.

YOUR PEOPLE DID IT.

YOUR PEOPLE, YOUR PEOPLE,

YOUR PEOPLE."

I WAS LIKE, "HEY, MAN,

WE'RE NOT ALL TERRORISTS, OKAY?

WE ARE LAWYERS. WE'RE ENGINEERS.

WE ARE DOCTORS."

-WHOO!

-I TOLD HIM THAT.

YEAH. YES.

NEXT DAY, THE NEWS CAME OUT --

THOSE GUYS WERE DOCTORS.

I CALLED HIM UP.

I SAID, "AS I WAS SAYING,

WE'RE LAWYERS AND ENGINEERS.

WE'RE NOT DOCTORS.

WE'RE NOT DOCTORS.

CAN'T TRUS A MIDDLE EASTERN DOCTOR."

IN THE NEWS.

THIS WAS IN THE NEWS.

THIS IS THE LAST PIECE OF NEWS

I'M GONNA TELL YOU ABOUT.

THIS WAS IN THE NEWS.

LAST YEAR, THEY CONVICTED

THIS GUY JOSE PADILLA,

WHO WAS ACCUSED OF TRYING TO DO

A DIRTY BOMB:

IN CHICAGO-O'HARE AIRPOR ABOUT FIVE, SIX YEARS AGO.

THEY CONVICTED HIM,

AND THEY SAID:

THAT THE BIGGEST PIECE

OF INCRIMINATING EVIDENCE

AGAINST HIM:

WAS THAT THEY FOUND

HIS FINGERPRINTS

ON AN APPLICATION

TO GO TO AL-QAEDA TRAINING CAMP.

YEAH, APPARENTLY THERE'S

AN APPLICATION...

...TO GO

TO AL-QAEDA TRAINING CAMP.

I DIDN'T KNOW THIS EXISTED,

AND I DON'T KNOW

WHAT THE QUESTIONS ARE

ON THE APPLICATION.

I DON'T KNOW

IF THE QUESTIONS ARE, YOU KNOW,

"HAVE YOU EVER TRIED

TO BLOW YOURSELF UP BEFORE?

IF YES, HOW ARE YOU FILLING OU THIS APPLICATION NOW?

WHAT ARE YOUR GOALS

IN THIS JOB?"

"TO BLOW MYSELF UP."

"WHAT ARE YOUR CAREER GOALS?"

"TO BLOW MYSELF UP."

"DO YOU HAVE ANY REFERENCES?"

"THEY BLEW THEMSELVES UP."

"THERE IS ONE BUDDHIST.

HE WAS NOT FEELING EXPLOSIVE

THAT DAY."

YOU GUYS, THAT'S MY SHOW.

I'M MAZ JOBRANI.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GOOD NIGHT, GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. YEAH.

JUST FOCUS TO -- THAT CAMERA.

YES, SIR.

MAZ JABRONI,

I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW,

YOU PUNK, PIECE OF GARBAGE --

YOU DON'T PAY FOR YOUR DUE.

SO GIVE ME CUE.

ANYTIME YOU'RE READY, I'M READY.

YOU ARE DUMB SON OF A

MAZ JABRONI -- HA!

PTUH!

THIS IS THE IRON SHEIK,

WWE OR WWF, BOTH WAY CHAMPION.

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