Me and Mrs Jones

Season #1 Episode #6

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1 INT. GEMMA’S BATHROOM. MORNING 1

CHARLOTTE and JESS are in their school uniforms, GEMMA looks

scruffy and is trying to tie her hair in a pony tail. They

are all looking down the toilet. JESS is holding a fish bowl

looking worried.

CHARLOTTE:

Sorry mum, I just thought Nemo

would like to go for a swim

somewhere new.

GEMMA:

I’m not sure he wants to swim in

the sewage pipes Charlotte.

JESS beckons the fish out of the toilet like you would a cat,

sucking her lips making kiss noises.

JESS:

Come on Nemo. Come on...

GEMMA:

Oh mind out... (GEMMA plunges her

hand down the loo)... Wrestling a

goldfish first thing in the...

Gotcha!

GEMMA pulls her hand out fast and plops a goldfish into the

fish bowl JESS is holding.

JESS:

(Kisses the fish bowl) Nemo...

what an adventure you’ve been on!

GEMMA (CONT’D)

Right quick sticks or we’ll be

late.

MUSIC starts and they all exit to head downstairs...

INTO...

1A INT. GEMMA’S LIVING ROOM. MORNING. 1A

CHARLOTTE comes downstairs first heading for her lunch box at

the bottom of the stairs.

CHARLOTTE:

Mum if Jesus hadn’t died how old

would he be now?

GEMMA follows her down the stairs.

GEMMA:

I don’t know.... Coats on, grab

your bags.

Me & Mrs. Jones - Episode One - Shooting Script - 17.05.2012

2.

CHARLOTTE:

Because you can’t add up?

CHARLOTTE has opened her pack lunch in an attempt to eat it.

GEMMA:

No (slams CHARLOTTE’S lunch box

closed) and can you not eat your

pack lunch before school please.

GEMMA grabs bags, football kits and coats etc as JESS comes

down stairs still holding the fish bowl.

JESS:

Poppy’s getting a bosom bra can I

have one?

GEMMA:

No.

CHARLOTTE:

You don’t really need a bosom bra

do you mummy?

JESS:

Can Nemo come to dads tonight?

CHARLOTTE goes out the front door followed by GEMMA.

INTO:

2 EXT. GEMMA’S HOUSE. MORNING. 2

The POST WOMAN is at the gate as GEMMA and CHARLOTTE come

out.

GEMMA:

No. And don’t drag your bag

Charlotte.

POST WOMAN:

Morning Mrs. Jones.

She hands the post to CHARLOTTE there is a post card from

China which CHARLOTTE looks at. JESS comes out the front

door still carrying the fish bowl.

CHARLOTTE:

It’s from Alfie in China mum!

GEMMA:

... now come on... Just get in

please or we’ll be late.

Me & Mrs. Jones - Episode One - Shooting Script - 17.05.2012

3.

As JESS talks they head down the path towards the car. The

POST WOMAN is with them as they are herded by GEMMA who then

heads to the front of the car.

JESS:

Is it today or tomorrow for Alfie

in China mum? I mean it can’t be

tomorrow because that hasn’t

happened yet. Unless our brother is

Doctor Who? Is he mum?

As GEMMA rushes to the front of the car CHARLOTTE starts to

shout relentlessly from inside the car........

CHARLOTTE:

Mum Mum Mum....!

GEMMA:

(Gets in the car) What?

CHARLOTTE:

I need to do my maths homework or

Mrs Collier says I’ll lose my

golden time.

GEMMA:

You can do it at your dads tonight.

JESS:

Mum I like how the light makes the

fur above your lip glow.

CHARLOTTE:

But its due in today.

GEMMA:

(She looks in the mirror at

CHARLOTTE) Brilliant....

As she looks in her mirror GEMMA sees the POST WOMAN sitting

between CHARLOTTE and JESS who has the fish bowl on her lap.

As the TWINS chatter on GEMMA gets out the car and opens the

door letting the POST WOMAN out. She then gets the fish bowl

and puts it in the POST WOMAN’S hands.

CHARLOTTE:

Chloe Bryant is bringing her dad’s

pants in for show and tell today.

JESS:

Ergh that’s disgusting.

CHARLOTTE:

I know - she’ll get a penalty point

for that.

Me & Mrs. Jones - Episode One - Shooting Script - 17.05.2012

4.

JESS:

I’m gonna close my eyes, I don’t

wanna see them.

CHARLOTTE:

I do.

JESS:

Eeerrrrghhhhhhh...

GEMMA gets in the car and drives off leaving the POST WOMAN

holding the fish bowl and looking confused.

CUT TO:

3 INT. JASON AND INCA’S HOUSE - BEDROOM 3

The bedroom is white with a large colour studio

photographic portrait of INCA and JASON hanging above the

bed. INCA is sitting at her dressing table with mirror and

is vigorously rubbing lots of moisturiser on her arms.

JASON is in the bathroom brushing his teeth.

JASON (V.O)

Charlotte and Jess have got their

football match tonight so I’ll

collect you at 4.30.

INCA rubs a dollop of moisturiser between her hands.

INCA:

I should be revising for my

waxing exam this evening Jason.

If you please you will speak to

Gemma and arrange for otherwise.

JASON enters in a overly short Chinese Kimono, it is black

with red dragons on it and is tied neatly. He is mid tooth

brush.

JASON:

She’ll go potty.

INCA starts to apply the moisturizer to her upper arms in big

strokes watching herself in her dressing table mirror.

INCA:

It is very important I learn wax

Jason, English women are having a

lot of mighty big hairs. Gemma

will understand my strong needs

in this matter.

JASON:

Are you sure I can’t change your

mind?

Me & Mrs. Jones - Episode One - Shooting Script - 17.05.2012

5.

He puts a leg up provocatively on the end of the bed. She

stops and looks at him. Pauses then squirts some

moisturizer and starts an elaborate face buff.

INCA:

It will take more than the wolf

sex to change Inca’s mind.

JASON stands deflated in the small Kimono.

CUT TO:

4 EXT. LARGE(ISH) JUNIOR SCHOOL PLAYGROUND. MORNING 4

GEMMA pulls up at the school gates. The TWINS charge out

of the car armed with art projects, lunch boxes etc. She

catches up with the twins in the playground to kiss

CHARLOTTE who ducks to avoid her.

CHARLOTTE:

Ergh that is gross mum.

JESS:

We’re not six!

CHARLOTTE:

Don’t hug us it’s embarrassing!

GEMMA:

No it isn’t - see.

We pan over to see TOM MARSHALL hug his overly confident 8

year old daughter POPPY goodbye, he lifts her from the

ground.

GEMMA:

There’s nothing wrong with a hug.

JESS:

Only poo heads hug.

GEMMA:

Jess, please don’t say poo heads!

POPPY passes and hears GEMMA say ‘poo heads’.

POPPY:

Excuse me Mrs Jones, can you not

use the word poo on school

property!

POPPY moves off as CAROLINE approaches she is one of the

THREE NIGELLA WANNABES (women who once had careers but now

are overbearing helicopter mums) and hears.....

Me & Mrs. Jones - Episode One - Shooting Script - 17.05.2012

6.

GEMMA:

(Shouts after Poppy) Poo.... No,

hang on, I didn’t say poo..

CAROLINE:

Morning Gemma, see you just made it

on time...

GEMMA:

What! Oh, Caroline, hi, I expect

you’re wondering why I shouted poo!

CAROLINE:

Not really.

GEMMA:

It wasn’t me who said it first, I

was just repeating it...

Before she can finish CAROLINE spots TOM and moves off

towards him (not too far from GEMMA). Her fellow NIGELLA’S

SUSIE and TANYA are already with TOM.

GEMMA:

Great.

GEMMA turns back to the twins for a hug.

GEMMA:

Hug please.

JESS:

Mum! Stop being a geeky loser.

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