Me and the Colonel

---

Information has just been received

of the advance of the German army.

They are expected in Paris

in the next 24 hours.

Premier Reynaud said

the situation was serious but not hopeless,

and urged all citizens to remain calm.

Monsieur Jacobowsky, what happened?

I missed the plane by this much.

The approximate size of a visa stamp.

- You can have your room back, of course.

- Thank you.

The hotel is practically empty, but it's much

too dangerous for you to remain in Paris.

I know, I know.

Tomorrow I will leave for the South.

Do you know why I like you,

Monsieur Jacobowsky?

Because I prefer a sunny day

to a cloudy day.

Perhaps you would care for a chocolate?

Why is it that the best husbands

are always unmarried?

You ought to settle down,

Monsieur Jacobowsky.

- I mean, get married.

- No.

Why not?

Well, you see, Madame Bouffier,

I am a great admirer of beauty.

But with the ladies, I have been

somewhat less than a dazzling success.

This has made me rather timid,

but in many ways it has

its compensations. I...

It has given me a great deal of time

for reading and improving my mind.

Chocolate, mademoiselle? Madame?

How can you be so cheerful

at a time like this?

You forget. I'm used to being a refugee.

In the technique of flight,

you might say I am a virtuoso.

The situation isn't quite the same for you

as it is for us. France isn't your country.

I wish it were.

I've spent most of my life

trying to become a citizen of some country.

For over 500 years

our family has lived in Amiens.

Now the Germans are there,

and soon they will be in Paris.

I can't believe it.

It's always hard to believe, at first.

My earliest recollections...

Poland, shots, screams in the night.

My poor mother

took her candlesticks and her pillows,

her most cherished possessions,

and fled to Berlin, and there I grew up.

I was quite happy there.

I was successful in business.

I was a citizen, a patriot. I belonged.

But a certain house painter

had different ideas.

So, I packed my belongings in five trunks

and I fled to Vienna, the City of Waltzes.

But the waltz soon changed

into a goose step.

I packed my belongings in two trunks

and fled to Prague.

But the German army seemed to take

absolute delight in following me.

Once again I fled, this time with no trunks.

And I came to Paris, the City of Light.

Now the lights are going out.

So I embark on migration number five.

In 1918 Paris was saved at the last moment.

Maybe another miracle will happen.

I don't know anything about miracles,

but my mother, wise woman that she was,

used to say,

no matter what happened in life,

there are always two possibilities.

I am Dr Szicki of the Polish Embassy.

I must see Colonel Prokoszny at once.

- Room 209.

- Thank you.

- Szabuniewicz.

- Huh?

- Wake up!

- Oh, Dr Szicki.

I must see the Colonel.

Oh, no. Colonel not alone.

And when Colonel not alone,

he want strictly to be alone.

- But I have urgent business with him.

- Please, no.

No. As Colonel's orderly,

only I can disturb Colonel. Wait.

Excuse me, Colonel, but I...

See? I told you.

Colonel does not like to be interrupted

in the middle of campaign.

Oh, my poor darling. This awful war...

It is not war that is awful.

It's being out of it that is disgusting.

Can't I make you forget the war,

just for a little while?

There is only one woman

who can make me forget.

She is written in my heart.

- To her I shall always be faithful.

- Beginning when?

- To the end of time.

- I adore you.

- And I don't care if you don't love me.

- Who says I do not love you?

But you just told me

that your heart is given away.

But, sweet child, you understand so little.

It is only because I love you

that I tell you the truth.

Szabuniewicz, my boots.

Colonel!

It is imperative that I speak to you at once.

Imperative? What makes imperative?

- I'm just about to start for the embassy.

- The embassy has been evacuated.

Run along, my dear.

Here are the papers.

- Is it everything?

- Everything.

The code, a full list of names

and addresses of our men in Warsaw.

- Our government in London is waiting for it.

- I will deliver it.

Four days from now, the British submarine

will pick you up off Saint Jean de Luz.

It will take you to England.

You must be there on the 16th.

Don't worry, Doctor.

I, Tadaeusz Boleslav Count Prokoszny,

will get to England, even if I have to swim.

Do you have transportation for me?

I have engaged a taxi. It's waiting outside.

Fools! Why don't you learn to drive?

Fools! Pigs! Fools!

Lmbeciles!

Why don't you attack the Germans?

They said the government will pay.

Where is the government?

- This must be the last taxi in Paris.

- It was. I'm ruined.

I was promised 10,000 francs

to drive a gentleman out of Paris tomorrow.

- That's too bad.

- Yes, sir.

- Excuse me?

- Please.

- I will give you 10,000 for it.

- For this?

- Yes, I would like it only as a souvenir.

- 10,000 francs!

And one more.

Surely the Polish Embassy has automobiles.

- Instruct them to send one.

- I'll go immediately to the embassy.

But I fear the Consul has taken

all four automobiles with him.

Why does that pig need four automobiles?

Evidently a man who signs papers

is more important

than one who is ready to die for Poland.

- All packed.

- So now, child, get me vehicle.

Yes, sir. Vehicle?

Get me automobile, get me plane,

get me motorcycle, get me donkey,

but get me.

Yes, sir.

Pardon me, Colonel,

may I make a suggestion?

I tell you, Monsieur, Monsieur...

- Jacobowsky. S.L. Jacobowsky.

- I thought so.

My suggestion is

that you mind your own business.

But strangely enough

we're in the same business.

- The business of escaping.

- This fellow gets on my nerves.

First thing in the morning, Szabuniewicz,

I want waiting here vehicle.

You will see to it, Doctor.

Double vodka, please.

Cosette! Never here when I need her.

Cosette, a double vodka for monsieur.

Our guests have a right to some service.

I want to go with you.

I'll make you forget the other girl.

- Impossible. She's waiting for me.

- Where? Here in Paris?

In Reims. I promised I'd come back for her.

- Good evening, Cosette.

- Good evening.

Since this is my last night in Paris,

I will start with the onion soup.

- Are you leaving us, too?

- Yes, I'm afraid so.

I'm going to try to reach the Spanish border.

- Cosette! Please.

- Yes?

Suppose you were travelling

from Paris to Hendaye,

what would be the best way to go?

I would take the road south to Orleans.

Orleans... Orleans... Orleans.

After that, what course would you suggest?

After the soup? The chicken a la casserole.

Cosette, thank you.

- Cosette, triple vodka, please.

- Yes, sir.

- For you, too, Monsieur Jacobowsky?

- No, no, thank you, Cosette.

You see, the Colonel and I have a problem,

and I must concentrate on it.

Cosette, will you explain

to Monsieur Grabowsky, he has a problem?

- I have no problem.

- The problem of transportation.

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