Mean Creek Page #2

Two.

Are you happy

or sad

that we're leaving

Rollins next year?

Three.

So, what's your father do

for a living again?

Oh, he has a car-stereo company.

Do you believe in God?

That's a weird question.

So, what's it like being a male?

OK, stupid question.

My name is George.

This is the inside of my mind.

This is my mother.

My mom works out every day.

And this is my street.

This is the street I live on.

- What are we doing?

- You're gonna like this.

Isn't that George Tooney?

Yeah, he's coming

to the river with us.

- Why?

- Sammy, don't you tell

your girlfriend nothing?

- What's he talking about, Sam?

- You should've told her, Sam.

All right, everyone.

He's coming. Be nice to him.

Millie, it's supposed to be part

of the surprise. We...

Happy birthday, Sammy.

Hi, George.

Glad you could make it.

You know everybody?

- Yeah, sure. Hey, everybody.

- Hey.

- What's happening, George?

- Hey, Georgie.

- Hi, George.

- Hey, Millie.

We ready?

- What are you doing?

- Making a documentary.

- Of what?

- Of things.

Like Sam opening his present.

Go ahead and open it.

Yeah, Sam, go ahead and open it.

You already opened

all your other presents at home.

Stream Machine's top of the line.

I have one at home,

so we can have a war sometime.

- Isn't it excellent?

- Oh, yeah, thank you, George.

You must've blown your whole

allowance on that thing, huh, George?

How much you bagging

a week now, 40, 50 bucks?

It's very sweet of you, George.

I got it at Funco.

- You can return it if you want.

- Oh, no, it's perfect.

Well...

...it's a beautiful day

for a boat trip with some buddies.

Hey, Marty?

My mom made me sign

one of those contracts.

It's just, like... You know, I'm not

allowed to get in a car with a driver

- who's been drinking.

- Oh, it's cool.

My mom gave me permission

to drink and drive.

- You don't have to worry about it.

- Your mom must be pretty stupid

to give you permission

to drive inebriated.

No, you're right, George.

My mom is pretty stupid.

In fact, she's got one of those

learning-disability things.

Must be a bad LD.

I have an LD,

but I should know you're

not supposed to drive drunk.

I see stuff all backwards and sh*t.

Like, instead of seeing "stop"

on a stop sign,

I see "pots."

My doctor says it's

a genetic variation,

like for evolution.

So maybe I'm a superior being.

The future of the race.

Like, if aliens came down

and they had a...

A language,

a super-advanced language,

that said you had to read

this way to that way,

instead of that way

to this way.

Sh*t.

Yo, kidlings.

What are you guys doing here?

Eating mini beef tacos.

Finest mini beef tacos

in the world here.

Yummy.

What, did you steal

Mom's car again?

- Why do you care?

- I don't give a f***.

Who's the minors?

It's just my brother

and some of his friends.

What are the paddles for?

We're going cow spanking.

Cow spanking, what's that?

It's like cow tipping,

only we spank.

Really.

Come on, let's just get the smokes

and get out of here.

Camels.

While you boys are out

cow spanking,

Kile and I are gonna go

p*ssy hunting.

- Good for you, Jasper.

- Hey, don't get sassy with my boy.

You ever been p*ssy hunting?

No, I didn't think so.

You know how I knew?

Because you gotta have some bait

to catch one.

That's great.

Grow up, Jasper.

Let's go, Marty.

Jesus, Jasper.

Why do you have to...?

Dumb fucks.

Why do you have

to act so retarded?

Have fun cow spanking, boys.

- Oh, man. That was awesome.

- You see that sh*t?

- So whose road is this?

- It's just a road.

Hey, you guys ever hear about

when Rocky and I

were kicking it out here?

We got some poison oak

on our hands.

This is a disgusting story.

Anyway, so we were out here,

and we got some poison oak

on our hands.

With all the beers we were drinking,

well, naturally,

we had to take a piss.

Now, I don't know

if you're hip, Millie,

but when a guy pisses,

he has to hold his pisser

in his hands.

- Like so:

- Thanks, Marty.

No, wait, I'm not finished yet.

Next morning when we woke up,

we both had totally chapped,

rash-y nuts.

Hey, lucky you didn't run out

of toilet paper,

have to wipe your butt

with your hand.

Ouch, ouch!

I just got stung by something.

- You all right?

- Yeah.

You guys just go ahead.

Better make sure it's not a tick.

Lyme's disease, you know.

Look, all right, there'll be three circles

around the bite if it's Lyme's disease.

But, like, you gotta watch out

because you could

just straight drop dead

from Lyme's disease.

Thanks, George.

Oh, if it is a tick and it gets dug in,

we might need to take my tweezers

and, like, put it under a flame

until it gets, like, red hot,

and then burn the thing to death

so it'll let go before we pull it out.

Can you leave us alone

for a second?

Thanks.

Seems like George is having

a good time.

What are you trying

to say, Clyde?

Fat boy's gonna get

what he's got coming.

I don't see a stinger.

Sam, what's going on here

with George?

Oh, it's nothing bad.

It's just a joke.

What kind of joke?

Well...

...we're planning on stripping him,

throwing him in the river,

and then we're gonna make him

run home naked.

- We have a plan. It involves a dare.

- A dare?

Yeah. See, the only reason

I didn't tell you before...

Who said I wanted to be

part of this?

All right, what about this?

What's that?

"If you could snap your fingers

right now,

"and he would drop dead

in his tracks, would you do it?"

- It's totally mean, Sam.

- He's mean.

He's a stupid fat kid.

He's got problems.

But he's obviously...

Promise me you won't

do anything to him.

It's not just me.

Promise, or I go back to the car.

All right, I promise.

I'll tell Rocky.

Can't wait to get her on the river

and start paddling.

- Hey, Rock, you wanna go untie us?

- Sure.

- There any life jackets?

- No, I don't think we'll need them.

Come on, sweetheart.

Gotta learn to live life on the edge.

He doesn't smoke, Marty.

Why don't you speak

for yourself, f*ggot?

I gotta keep my eye on you.

These are really strong.

Come on, Rock,

he's not such a bad guy.

He's acting like a nice guy, Sam.

In reality, he's not.

You a...

You a cigarette virgin, George?

No. No, I'm not, man.

I've smoked before.

I... No, I once cold smoked

an entire pack

of American Spirit Menthols.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

What if I told you American Spirit

doesn't make menthols?

They don't?

It's OK if you've never

smoked before, George. I never have.

Well, I have.

All right, I'm not lying.

You know, maybe they weren't

menthols, but they were definitely

- American Spirits.

- Right.

The only reason why

he's being nice to us

is because he sees this as

an opportunity to get something.

To get friends.

Everybody wants that.

OK, what if you were

his friend, Sam?

I mean, he'd still go around school,

beating everybody else up.

And that's actually

if you'd be his friend.

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