Mean Machine

New car, Z?

For your information only,

that's a prototype. Bother.

Yes? Right. I'll be back in a sec'.

Don't touch a thing.

England captain,

Danny "Mean Machine" Meehan,

is licensed to score with Umbro.

Licensed to get hammered, you mean.

Large whisky.

Do you want anything in that?

Yeah, a double.

It's lively in here.

Didn't you use to be Danny Meehan?

Used to be.

A very long time ago.

Sir, we're going to

have to breathalyse you.

No need, officer. I'm totally pissed.

Come on, Danny. No trouble.

Oh, look, a miniature copper!

You'd better come along with us.

Don't be silly. Come on!

You are nicked, sunshine.

BBC news headlines.

This morning, ex England football captain

Danny Meehan was jailed for three years,

despite pleading guilty to assaulting

two police officers and driving drunk.

Meehan's downfall from the pinnacle

of world football has been swift,

since match-fixing accusations ended

the career of one of our finest players.

The judge showed little sympathy

for his pleas of mitigation,

imposing the maximum sentence.

Meehan showed no emotion

as he was led away.

The former star will serve his sentence

at Longmarsh High Security Prison...

...famous for its rehabilitation programme,

reformed characters,

and modern conditions.

Open!

That's it. Get out!

Come on!

- Get away from the van.

- All right.

Shut it! This is a category B nick,

not Butlins. Do you understand?

You're nothing in here.

Do you hear me? Nothing. Move out.

May the good Lord be with you.

He's a pretty boy.

Coming in.

Straight down the stairs.

Prisoner on the move.

Stay behind the line. Stand there.

- Valuables?

- Prisoner Meehan 041 1 2.

Sign it.

Here's your designer gear

for the next three years. Enjoy.

What are you waiting for?

Come on, move it.

Captained his country,

and he ends up in here?

and you sell your country out in a game.

That's un-bloody-English, that is.

Chief.

I'm the chief officer of this prison.

You call me "Mr Burton, sir".

You call him Mr Ratchett

and him Mr Hayter.

Anybody in this uniform,

you call mister, right?

Right.

Mr Burton, sir.

Sometime tomorrow,

governor wants a word.

He wants you to coach my football team.

Little word of advice.

You're gonna smile nicely and say no.

- Move it!

- All right!

What did you say? That's "Mr Hayter, sir"

to you. Do you understand?

I think you need a little reminder

of Mr Burton's orders.

You won't coach our football team.

OK?

Stand there where I can see you.

Meehan, stow your kit top right.

All right, lads? New cellmate for you.

I'm sure you recognise him.

He used to be a somebody

once upon a time.

Got plenty of time

to get to know your new playmates.

Work assignment. C wing.

Got you an apprentice.

He used to be a sweeper.

- Comedian.

- Enjoy it, Meehan.

- I've got some advice for you.

- Thanks. I'm short on advice today.

This will change your life.

Do you see that?

Be very careful of those.

Some of the boys have a pony in the night,

wrap it and airmail it out the window.

Here, use this.

Glamorous job.

Stick it in the bin and follow me, OK?

Come on!

Do you know who that is?

Meehan! Here.

Not the muscle, the other one.

- Christ, he's got old.

- 30 years will do that to you.

Still thinks he's Al Capone.

You'd better go over.

- You know who I am?

- Charlie Sykes.

- I run this nick.

- I've been told.

I lost a great deal of money on an

England/Germany game a few years back,

after one of the Englanders

gave away a very suspect penalty

after 72 minutes of playing time.

So I think that you owe me.

Come on, superstar. Tour's not over.

You know,

it's not gonna be easy for you in here.

What's everyone's problem?

You really want to know?

Most of the guys in here have nothing,

never had to start with.

But you, you had everything

they ever dreamed of,

and threw it all away.

Hey!

The superstar! Danny Meehan.

It's the thingy, the... f***in' hell...

...the Mean Machine!

I bet you've got a few stories.

All the, you know,

the p*ssy and all that thing.

- Funnily enough, no.

- Yeah? So what, big shot?

I know all about fame.

I was a face myself. I was the man.

The late '80s, all around the raves,

all that, f***ing... voom!

I was the top f***ing kiddy.

My food?

Danny boy.

Anything you need,

I'm a one-stop shop, OK?

Anything you want, I can get it for you.

I've just had that from Mr Fix lt,

throwing the beans.

Nitro? Keep away from him, mate.

Gets all in with all the newcomers,

- So that he can hustle them.

- And what's your angle?

If you want any of life's little luxuries -

chocolate, toothpaste, soft toilet paper -

- Massive is your man.

- Massive?

It's ironic.

- All right, Raj, you be black.

- No, I'll be white.

Just chill. You've got a black nose.

You saying I'm black? That makes me

the first Iranian from Babylon.

The neighbourhood celeb's in town.

- Put the kettle on.

- Would you like any biscuits?

- I never asked to be put in here.

- And we did?

- I don't need this.

- You don't need this?

Let me tell you what we don't need.

We don't need you, another body, in here.

Ain't nothing personal, pal.

It's just... I don't f***in' like you.

- Our star looks beat, Trojan.

- Yeah, he needs to chill.

- Yeah, him have a hard day at work.

- Any requests, star?

The legendary Broadhurst Monk.

Shipped in about six months ago,

but they still have him on the special unit.

Why?

Apparently,

he killed 23 men with his bare hands.

- Maybe I should take up karate.

- That was before he took up karate.

They don't mess with him, not even

the screws, not even when he's cuffed up.

- Is that the famous footballer?

- Ex-footballer.

He's just a number now.

Chief.

Stand there.

Danny Meehan.

Well, it is a pleasure to meet you.

I'm a big football fan. Big.

What do you think of amateur football?

It's amateur.

Yes. Well, I'm sure we're not a match for

the pro's, but we do have our own team.

Southern Division, semi pro's.

And we have a chance of winning

the division this year, getting promotion.

We have been runners-up before,

but first is first, and second is nowhere.

I want you to train the team,

use your professional experience.

Well, I haven't played football for years,

and...

I'm a little bit

out of condition at the moment.

I pulled a lot of strings

to get you assigned to my prison.

I'm sorry.

I'm just not your man.

We'll stick a pin in it for now.

Out.

- Mr Burton, a quick word, if I may.

- Sir?

I've spent a fortune on this team,

for no return.

I am the coach of this team...

With the money I spent

we could have won the World Cup.

You can't put a prisoner

in charge of the guards' team.

Just get it done. Please.

- I wouldn't get too close, miss.

- Why? You're not dangerous, are you?

Only if you've got the ball, miss.

Hey, Danny boy. I can get you anything,

anything that's not on the menu.

- Is that stink you, Meehan?

- Don't you poke me again.

Don't you start growing a spine, footballer.

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