Mean Machine Page #2

Bollocks!

Hands behind your neck.

Hands behind your neck.

Let go of my neck. Let go of me.

Let go of me.

Pack it in.

It wasn't me!

It's not me, you bastards.

Razzle Dazzle.

Three o'clock, Kempton Park.

L5,000, please. To win.

All this lovely fresh air.

Wouldn't you rather be

out there on the pitch, coaching?

I just wanna keep my head down.

Do my 1 2 months and I'm going home.

And that's before

you assaulted another inmate

- And attacked my staff.

- Wait a minute...

Three years, that's your sentence.

So you could be with us for some time.

Take him back to solitary.

- Have a nice week's holiday?

- Yeah, lovely.

- There is a way out.

- What?

Listen, convince the governor

the best way to train the guards

is to play a tough match against a team

of cons with you as the captain.

Pro's always have a pre-season friendly.

What do you think, Mr Burton?

Could be a win/win for everybody.

Could this work, Meehan?

Yeah, but I need time to prep,

and I pick my own team.

I could get a real FA ref. There's one

at my golf club. That'll be good.

One more thing:
what goes on

on the pitch stays on the pitch.

- Deal?

- Goes without saying.

I am a marketing genius.

You'd better get yourself some rest,

superstar. Busy day tomorrow.

We'll see.

- Remember, anything you need.

- I'm fine, thanks.

- Yeah? That's not what I heard.

- What?

I could have been a pro. I was very good.

They were gonna take me on, only I had

a bit of trouble and blah blah blah.

The old knees, I suppose, yeah?

Bomb-making.

Otherwise, you know...

Well, I'm sure

it was a big loss to the game.

I've gotta go, but I'll catch you later.

All right, Nitro?

D*ckhead.

Yes, Razzle Dazzle. Came second?

What's the problem, darlin'?

- That's not possible.

- It's very possible, sweets.

That's not possible.

I think you owe me five G, darlin'.

Have a nice day.

So, what happened to your marketing?

It's early days yet.

You've got to give it a bit of time, Dan.

Danny, over here, mate.

Here we go.

Yes. Now, I can say I've had a kick-about

with Danny the "Mean Machine".

Burnin' in me head!

Burnin' in me head!

It's all right. I'll go and get it.

Found a new bum chum, have we?

Makes you feel big, does he?

He's just using you.

Once he finds his feet in here,

he'll dump you on your fat, black arse.

You jumped up little sh*t.

Mr Ratchett, sir,

whilst I don't wish to be rude,

I do believe that you watched too many

Tarzan films as an impressionable child.

Don't you get smart with me.

Do you understand?

Now get out of my sights.

- What happened to you?

- Nothing.

Sykes' boys look pretty useful.

Don't even think about it. Who do you think

has been stopping everyone from playing?

I loved your work, man.

Sorry?

I never believed any of the talk.

I can't believe it. Look. Here you are.

Cheers.

That buys you three across, mate.

- Then you can teach me.

- Have a nice one.

Will you teach me, yeah?

Teach you what?

All that, you know.

All them soccer skills. All that.

Sorry, do what?

You know, like the pro's. All that caper.

Yeah?

I gotta go, but we'll stick a pin in it, all right?

Yeah, lovely. We'll stick a pin in it. Lovely.

Fan club.

Bloody stalker.

- What's three across?

- What?

I just saw a bloke pay money

for a strip of crossword.

Ah, Sykes!

Yeah, three across, four letters:

acid.

The governor lets Sykes get his "Racing

Times" and other papers special delivery.

He thinks it helps Sykes work out form

and give him tips.

He doesn't know

that they're pre-soaked in acid.

He's actually smuggling

Sykes' drugs in for him.

It came second, and it cost me L5,000.

You must have made the wrong bet.

W for win.

Win.

It's got smudged in the rain.

EW.

EW means each way.

It's a f***ing disgrace if you ask me.

Meehan fraternising

with that shower of sh*t.

What do you want, Tompkinson?

I was thinking. I know.

I know that I can help you,

Mr Ratchett, sir.

- Information and all, whatever.

- Help yourself, more like.

I'm sick of this place.

I need to get a transfer.

HMP Silver Sands.

Away from the influence

of all these criminals, sir.

You keep me posted.

Oh, look. A monkey learning new tricks.

- Why don't you leave me alone?

- Because I don't like uppity coons.

- Listen, man...

- No, you listen!

- You animal!

- Animal? You call me a f***ing animal?

I'll open you up like a tin of beans.

Hey, stop him! Someone stop him!

You f***ing scum!

Are you all right?

He needs a doctor! Just get a doctor!

That f***ing Meehan!

Mr Burton. Have you missed me?

You might be the governor's pet project,

but don't push it.

It's called sunlight, Meehan. Think of it

as a privilege which can be withdrawn.

Danny boy...

Well, come on then, star.

They're saying thanks for saving Massive.

Where's your manners?

What would your old mum say?

F*** me!

- Wish I'd met her.

- Let's see how good you are.

Sort yourselves out. Skins v shirts.

- What's that?

- I'm your manager.

- Since when?

- Don't bother giving me no orders, yeah?

- Stop bitching, b*tch.

- Dan, have a word.

Shut it, Massive.

Lads, want a game?

F*** off!

Come on. Plenty of room over there.

Up, Troj!

Come on!

Come on!

Yes, yes! Trojan, it's down!

- What do you think?

- Bring your clipboard.

Five.

Three.

A generous one.

Seven. You missed two.

- Ten.

- Eight. My mum could have scored that.

- Still.

- Yeah, I know.

We'll try a fitness test.

One:
left hand down. Two: right hand

down. Three:
both hands. Four: clap.

Five:
up. Run.

Bollocks.

One, two, three...

I wouldn't mind a crack at the guards.

- I'm sorry? I missed that.

- Just saying. Be a laugh.

That's the Scots all over, innit?

On the firm when it suits them,

and the next minute

they're all misty-eyed and independent.

- I was only saying.

- And I'm saying no.

I think we're going to have to work

on the stamina, lads.

I'll pay at the end of the month.

No, sweets. It's cash on the nail.

- I haven't got it.

- Sell the nice new Saab then, love.

- How do you know about that?

- Pay us or we'll torch the motor.

You can pay us out of the insurance.

There you go. Sorted.

- I was told that you were reasonable.

- Reasonable, sweetheart?

Reasonable is how come

you ain't sitting in your own piss

wondering how to get up

with smashed knees and elbows, OK?

Big kiss.

Looking forward to getting a thrashing?

If it means getting out of here early,

I'll take another beating.

Who said anything about a beating?

I'm talking about the match.

Come on! I've seen your lot in action.

I don't run my ship like that.

Are you making a complaint?

No.

Lock it up!

What's the matter?

Did you have a nice chat

with your chum Burton?

Ain't you got any hobbies?

- You sleep with one eye open, son.

- Whatever.

Hello, Danny boy.

Nitro.

I've been wondering.

You need a manager. You know, the...

...the tactics and all that.

Well, I am the bollocks.

Massive's manager.

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