Mean Machine Page #4

That's good. Now pass it.

Pass it, Trojan.

Pass it!

Trojan, it's a team game.

Pass to our team.

He's too greedy.

OK, fellas. Now, the key

to set pieces is concentration,

calculation, teamwork.

With corners it's about movement,

drawing defenders out of position.

When it comes to defending,

it's about tackling,

finesse,

calculation.

Remember these simple rules, and we're

in with a chance. Any questions?

Lovely story.

Yeah.

We still need a goalkeeper.

Somebody to boss the defence about.

There's one man I know who could

boss our def... No, no. F*** that.

- That's not even worth thinking about.

- Who?

- No, no, you'll laugh your head off.

- Who?

- The Monk.

- Monk? Can he play?

They say he could have turned pro,

before he turned mad.

- How mad is he?

- He's the Jock that even the Jocks fear.

- What did he do?

- Something very dark up in Glasgow.

I heard he ate Hannibal the Cannibal.

Not even the Pope

could get him out of the special wing.

The Monk is in the high security wing.

So do me a favour. Maybe I can

help you with Barry the Bookie.

I'm listening.

Bet the game, your guards to win.

Price is right, we'll make a killing.

You pay off Barry,

and have some left.

Take the missus to Malaga.

- This is so illegal.

- I think criminal's the word.

All right, big man? Sound.

Danny Meehan,

he's all right, know what I mean?

He's got a wee favour to ask you.

- Hello, Mr Monk. Can you play football?

- Aye.

Good. Would you like to play with us?

Nah.

We're playing the guards.

- Aye. Then I'm with you.

- Sound.

Thanks a lot, Mr Monk.

OK, let's try it. Troj, you take the corner.

It's my ball. Mouse's ball, Troj.

Come on, Troj. Yeah, yeah.

To me, Troj.

It's Mouse's ball. My ball. Yeah.

- He's broke my bloody nose.

- Let me have a look.

What?

- He did that on purpose.

- No, he didn't.

- Yes, he did.

- Tell him...

Tell him it was an accident.

Right, it was an accident.

- Now, get yourself off over the back there.

- He said it was an accident.

You're not worried about the opposition,

are you, Mr Burton?

A team of life's losers led by a man

who can be bought and sold?

I don't think so.

Not when the game's about character.

We'll give you a match.

You'll give us a game.

Doubt whether you can match us.

We'll see.

One, two, three...

Look up, pass it. Look up again.

Well done! Let the ball do the work.

As the ball's coming to you, look up.

Start again. Spread out.

Up, down...

Up, down...

Come on.

One, two, three, four...

And left, and right.

And left, and right...

Hurry it up there.

I told you two to keep the centre tight.

I've always told you

to wear tie-ups on your socks.

Now you, get over there and mark up.

And you, bugger off.

Now listen, Daniel,

I'm not putting you under pressure, right.

I'm burning up phone cards, taking bets

from prisons up and down the country.

Oh, no.

Despite what the governor thinks,

I'm betting us to win.

So my arse is on the line.

And by my arse, I mean your arse.

- OK, I need a volunteer.

- Yeah.

- Dan.

- Yeah, all right, Bill.

Help Monk and Chiv

with their demonstration.

- Lovely.

- Cheers.

Aye, right. So, we are the cons.

And they are screws.

So if anybody's gonna play dirty,

it's gonna be they f***ers.

Here's one or two wee examples,

just to keep us a step ahead.

Numero uno:

the accidental treading on the toe.

It's an obvious one, but it works.

Ah, f***!

Numero...

...two.

Right, daftie, run towards The Monk.

- What now?

- On you go, half pace?

The cunningly titled "elbow in the face".

Very effective, but you tend to get sent off.

So if you use it,

make sure the ref's not looking.

- Number four.

- Wait. What happened to number three?

Number four:
when you're helping him up,

grab the hairs under his armpits

and twist them round.

- Hurts like a bastard, doesn't it?

- Yeah.

- Number five.

- Wait, I'm gonna sit down.

I don't wanna hog it.

Let one of these lot have a go.

You're all right. You're the man.

You're hard. Get in there.

Yeah, as it happens, yeah.

No, go on, yeah.

And finally, the piece de rsistance,

number 23.

I can't. Monk, stop, I'm in a bad way, mate.

Monk, I can't breathe.

Ah, f***!

The guillotine.

Come on, let's move on.

Get yourself up.

You're making the place look untidy.

- Was that all right though?

- Cream.

Well done.

Finish with a bit of shooting practice.

Troj, you lay them off.

Massive, marks out of ten.

You've done well with that lot.

Passes the time, Doc.

You know,

it's not a crime to admit enjoying it.

You're becoming a sentimental old fart.

That bloody Meehan.

Who does he think he is?

Don't you worry about Meehan.

I've got something sorted for him.

Mr Popular. Time to meet your friends.

You can't put me back on the wing.

- You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

- Sykes will f***ing kill me.

You know the itch I want scratching.

I don't want Meehan on that pitch,

understand?

OK. I know what needs to be done.

Nice and easy.

Right down the middle.

And a one, and a two.

And a three.

Good shot. Good shot.

Where have you been? The governor's

been waiting. I'll take him in.

OK, miss.

I've thought of a way I can really help you.

- The sad old twat videos all their games.

- Really?

And I've written some pointers.

My own little dossier on the guards.

I'm sure you'll find it very interesting.

Now hurry up, we haven't got much time.

Quicker.

One thing. This is strictly sex.

I ain't gonna respect you after.

- Don't blame you.

- Girls like to brag down the pub as well.

I've heard.

What? Easy.

- Change her oil, did you?

- Gentlemen should never kiss and tell.

- I'd better go home.

- Massive?

Inside information on the opposition.

Read it carefully. It's important.

All right, Danny.

There's a meeting in Mr Sykes' cell.

All right, lads.

A bit of wind-up material on the opposition.

Ketch, this one's for you.

You know how Ratchett's

going on about his dodgy knee?

It's the right one.

This one is dynamite.

Marsden's daughter, Donna, has been

known to dabble in class A drugs.

Let him know about it at the right time.

Here we go, Danny boy.

And now for our secret weapon.

- Danny, tape.

- Oh, sh*t, I forgot it.

- I left it in my locker.

- I'll get it. Need a slash anyway.

Cheers, Doc. Sorry, boss.

That's right, get the old boy working.

Danny, why did you do it?

Throw that game.

F*** me, Jerome, you do talk too much.

- Sorry.

- No, you're all right.

It's funny,

but when you're in that football world,

you just don't realise

what it means to people.

You only find out how disappointed

they are, when you let them down.

I was 16 when I signed pro forms.

Thought I was the business.

Didn't take long

for standards to start slipping.

Cars, booze, bad tips for slow horses...

You think you can handle it,

then bang, very soon it's handling you.

Before I was picking up trophies,

I was 425 grand down...

...to men nasty enough... Well, even they

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