Meet Dave Page #2

Three?

This is a list of the most common

names on this planet.

My name is...

-Ming Chang.

-Ming Chang?

Sorry. Sorry, you just struck me

more like a Dave, or something.

Which happens to be my other name.

Dave Ming Chang?

Dave Ming Chang.

Dave Ming Chang. All right, well, Dave,

l feel just terrible about this whole thing,

and l was gonna have some breakfast.

Would you like to join me?

-No, l really have to be going now.

-Are you sure?

L mean, l sort of have a rule that,

when l hit somebody with my car,

l need to make them breakfast.

That was a joke.

So where are you from?

Do you live around here?

Yes, of course. l am just a regular

person from right here on Earth,

just like you.

L just don't get out that much.

Yeah, judging from your suit,

l'd say since about 1978.

Note, all-white apparel is not

as standardized as we thought.

You late for a Bee Gees concert

or something?

The Bee Gees. Barry, Robin and Maurice,

the Brothers Gibb.

Winning ten Grammy awards

and selling over 100,000,000 records.

Oh, you can tellby the way l use my walk

l'm a woman's man No time to talk

Stayin'alive

Wow. That's impressive

love for the Bee Gees, man.

L'm sorry, l had no idea.

You know? Foot in the mouth.

Listen, do you mind

whipping these up for me?

That wouldbe so great. Just a little help.

L'm so used to making breakfast for Josh,

and all he wants is waffles.

Anyway, he's off to school now.

Yeah, l don't know,

he's got these bullies after him right now.

You don't have any kids, do you?

L mean, you don't really seem

like a kid person, but...

Anyway, l just, l try to be there for him,

but l don't really know

how to deal with it, you know.

L'm just doing the single mom thing,

and l'm so permissive of everything.

Oh, my God, l am talking your ear off.

-All is well.

-Okay, why don't you just take a seat?

And l can finish this.

Here, you like ketchup?

-Oh, thank you.

-You're welcome.

Refreshing. l feel much better now.

That's a new one.

Oh, that's our cat, Boris.

l hope you're not allergic.

Are you?

Cats. Here we go, sir.

Boris, what are you up to?

-Captain.

-Yes?

Yes, my husband was

a captain with the Navy.

-l am a captain.

-Really? A captain of what?

L am a captain of crunch.

-Where is your captain now?

-Frank died four years ago,

so it's just me and Josh now.

Lt's been rough sometimes,

but we're okay.

There is a strength to this one.

Captain, the orb!

Where was this image captured?

That's Josh at school, the science fair.

He always walks around with this thing.

See, he thinks it fell from outer space.

-We must locate the boy.

-We're on it, sir.

L really have to be going now.

Thank you for the ketchup.

Okay. You know,

the eggs are just another...

That's the closet.

Sorry about hitting you with my car.

A couple of frat punks get drunk,

miss the last ferry,

stick a rag in their bottle of Stoli,

and then, kaboom !

Suddenly, my morning roll in the hay

with Tracy gets canceled.

L think this is explosive residue.

Don't. Don't do this, Dooley.

l see you getting interested in this.

L see that wacko XFiles gleam in your eye.

That might be the boy, there!

ln that group of Earth children.

What structure is this?

Lt appears to be

some sort of shrine to technology.

This is the best they have to offer?

Their mini-computers are gigantic!

And a slamming home page

means more online buddies.

Dude, while you're waiting,

check these out.

Awesome surround-sound headphones.

Seven ounces, left and right quad.

The sound will blow you away.

Ls that insane?

Lt's like the subwoofers

are actually inside your head.

Damage reports coming in

from all parts of the ship, Captain!

Sir! Structural integrity weakening!

We have got to get out of here!

The sign clearly indicates, "Do not walk."

And yet, they keep walking

and walking and walking!

Apparently, chaos

is the order of the day here.

Doctor,

is Two all right?

This is a big planet.

There might be contaminants

we've never encountered before.

L'll keep an eye on it.

Why don't you take a picture?

lt lasts longer.

Lt's the ice cream man!

Lce cream man, over here!

-lce cream !

-Hey, look, it's the Good Humor man!

Lt's this suit again!

How in Nil did we wind up

with this wardrobe debacle?

-We must have missed something.

-l can't see how, sir.

We carefully studied the only signal

ever intercepted from Earth.

Theplane! Theplane!

When we enter the boy's school,

we must not draw any

undue attention to ourselves.

Yes, we must rid ourselves

of this inappropriate attire

and replace it with clothing that is

the epitome of both hip and now.

Welcome to Old Navy!

-Any ideas?

-Likely a ritual greeting, sir.

Welcome to Old Navy!

-Welcome to Old Navy!

-Welcome to Old Navy!

Welcome to Old Navy!

Welcome to Old Navy!

Welcome to Old Navy.

Welcome to Old Navy!

Welcome to Old Navy.

Can l help you find your size?

L am obviously

the same size as everyone else.

L just meant are you a small, or...

l believe he simply wants to know

the dimensions of your clothing.

Yes, you can help me find my size.

Welcome to Old Navy.

Crew, prepare for

an unrehearsed maneuver.

Come on!

-What the...

-Sorry, sir! lt won't happen again!

L can help you if you'd...

How about l help you take that.

Very...

Yes, this is my size. Welcome to Old Navy!

Excuse me. Do you have a private chamber

where l can try on these garments?

Changing room back there behind hoodies.

Welcome to Old Navy.

Sir, we have arrived at the school.

This can't be right.

One singular sensation

Every little step she takes

Apologies, sir.

Apparently we are on West 44th Street.

One smile

and suddenly nobody else will do

Let's get out of here. Double-time.

-Hey!

-What do you got here, little freak?

-That's mine!

-What do you use it for, playing nerd-ball?

-Whatever it is, it's mine now.

-Give it back!

Or what?

You gonna tell your mommy again?

Can l help you?

L am here for the fifth-grade classroom.

Okay, all right, you're very late,

but you're here, at least.

Lt's been a madhouse.

Half the teachers are out with the flu.

L'm just gonna... l'm gonna have to

throw you to the wolves.

Don't say a word. l will mess you up.

Josh Morrison.

What are you doing here?

Are you the sub?

You would know the sub, loser!

L don't know him !

My mom hit him with her van!

L am Dave Ming Chang, the sub.

What is your name?

-Smellmy.

-Smellmy what?

Smellmy Buttcrack.

L am sure the other Buttcracks

would disapprove of your behavior.

You don't look like a teacher.

L'm going to report you.

-Vaporize the child at once!

-Delay that order.

L am indeed your temporary instructor,

which l shall prove to you now. Observe.

Let's teach them something simple,

shall we?

What the...

The unified field theory. The ultimate

pearl of wisdom in all of the universe.

Now you are educated.

-What is your destination?

-l'm gonna sharpen my pencil.

Here, let me assist you.

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