Meet Monica Velour

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MEET MONICA VELOUR

There you go.

That's mine.

Hey, Tobe!

Oh my God.

Stay right here. Excuse me.

Stare much?

- Hey, Kenny.

- Hey. Can I have a taco dog?

- Yeah, is that it?

- And a button buster.

There you go.

Is that your girlfriend?

Not that you'd understand,

but Amanda Pak is so hopelessly dorky

that even a dateless wonder like myself

has to draw the line somewhere.

Uh-huh.

$4.50, home slice.

My dad says he'll pay you

if you give me a receipt.

He's gonna start deducting me

from his taxes.

I think you and your dad

deserve each other.

He also told me to ask you

for a ride home when you're done.

Fish got to swim, birds got to fly

I've got to love one man till I die

So I can't help

Loving that man of mine

Diddley-doot-doo-doot-doo...

- This is gay.

- No, classic.

It stood the test of time.

The coolest cars, the '50s.

The best movies, the '70s.

The best songs, the '30s.

The golden age of American songwriting.

More like olden age.

Why can't you like normal stuff

like everybody else?

Hey, Tobe.

Oh, hey, Amanda.

- Is that your little brother?

- No!

Are you babysitting like me? Cool.

See you at graduation.

Okay, bye-bye.

Hi, Mr. Hulbert.

Can I stay here a while?

My mom says I still need

adult supervision.

Yeah yeah, sure. I'll supervise you.

- Here, get me another beer.

- Sure.

Pop Pop, it's the middle of the day.

I know.

My pants don't seem to fit me anymore.

What, do you want me to be

uncomfortable?

You get more crap all the time.

- Is it worth any money?

- Not yet.

- Go home, Kenny.

- What are you watching?

I traded tapes with a guy in LA.

Got some old Vitaphone shorts

and a Monica Velour movie

for my collection.

- Now go home.

- I want to watch.

Just tell me when the gross stuff

is gonna happen.

This movie is totally rare.

Everything today is just shot on video,

strippers on Prozac junk.

Hands Solo, I presume.

Consarnit, can't a fella get

any privacy around here?

There's no time for that.

We need your help.

Who's we?

I'm Princess Layme.

And my companion is Dork Fudgepacker.

Hey.

The star of this movie is Monica Velour.

I have almost all of her movies.

She was the most respected,

biggest, classic X film star.

We're being pulled in

by the Muff Star's tractor beam.

Cocktroopers. Get down.

Look at her.

She's sweet, beautiful,

totally sexy, confident.

You're crazy. This movie sucks.

You know dick.

Now go home.

There's a gross part coming up.

Bye, Tobe.

It's been said that the future

belongs to the young.

And to that I have only one response:

God help us all.

But seriously, before you the young

can have the future, you'll have

to spend the next 20 or so years

working for us the old.

Because you're not ready

for the keys to life's car just yet.

Here we go, nice smile.

Great. Let's get some picture

with your friends.

Um...

Smile, please.

The button's on top.

I know where the button is.

Can we go now?

No no, one more. One more.

Oh, look. Look at the bear.

You stand here.

Great.

This will make a great holiday picture.

Well, it clicked. It did something.

That's it. That's it.

That's it. Huh? Good.

Empty.

Oh, sorry, dude.

Hurry up. On my God.

Chug chug chug chug chug.

- Hey, Perbert.

- Even Perbert wants a peek.

What are you guys looking at?

Live from Amanda Pak's,

it's Saturday night.

Hitachi Magic Wand.

The Cadillac of vibrators.

No batteries, you just plug it in.

Annie Sprinkle's all-time favorite.

Russ Meyer?

- No way.

- Yeah way.

People who jerk off to porn

are just creepy.

Well, she's not gonna get laid

just sitting in her room.

There's a great big mystery

And it sure is worrying me

This diddie wa diddie

This diddie wa diddie

I wish somebody would tell me

what diddie wa diddie means.

Rise and shine, boy.

Wakey wakey eggs and bacey.

Cheer up, I've got a surprise for you.

Give it to me later.

How about I give it to somebody else?

Okay, what?

Happy graduation.

Awesome.

Thanks, Pop Pop. The Civic.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Give it back. Give it back.

Happy graduation.

What is this? The truck?

It's not a truck.

It's a family business.

Why can't I have the Civic?

The Civic is mine.

The truck? What am I supposed

to do with the truck?

You got your own business.

People work their whole lives for that.

Be your own boss.

Anywhere you go you have a nice income.

Not for long.

People don't want to eat pig eyes

or donkey d*cks

or whatever hot dogs

are made of anymore.

You're right. You're so goddamn smart,

sell them broccoli burgers or gaysicles

or whatever the hell it is

they do eat these days.

How come you couldn't just give me

money like everybody else?

It's a good thing your mother's not

alive to hear you talk so ungrateful.

Otherwise the both of us would

just smack the hell out of you.

I'm going upstairs.

Tobe.

Tobe!

Thattaboy.

Chip off the old block.

That's nice. That's really nice.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- I'm calling about the Weenie Wiz.

- Yeah.

I saw your ad on the web.

It's 1970 all original?

Uh, yeah.

And the giant hot dog,

what's that built of?

Um, metal. Yeah, metal and paint.

It's a work of art.

A thing of mystery meat beauty.

You want to come take a look

at it this afternoon?

I'd love to, but I'm in Loogootee.

- What?

- Loogootee, Indiana.

The place where

corn on the cob comes from.

I saw your post on the web.

Um, well, can you

come up here and get it?

I don't have a lot of time.

I don't know, it's not like

I can drive it to Indiana.

I'm just like putty

Putty in your hands

With a wave of your hand

Putty putty

I'm your slave to go man

And I'll go on this way...

Hey, I see you, you little creep.

- What?

- Were you gonna stand here all night

- looking at my daughter, huh?

- Dad!

- Well?

- What? No, sir.

- I just came to see your daughter.

- Tell it to the police, punk.

- Oooh!

- Hey, come back here!

Come back here!

We are not done. Where are you going?

- Hey, I've got to talk to you.

- Leave me alone.

Hey.

The cops was just here.

What for?

They told me somebody

who was driving the Weenie Wiz

was caught peeping through

some high school girl's window tonight.

- It wasn't me.

- Of course it was you.

What do you think, I'm some kind

of a half-assed retard?

Okay. Well, I'm sorry.

I won't do it again.

I told them I didn't know

a thing about it.

I said it must have been

somebody else's blue truck

with a 20-foot hot dog on top.

For some reason they had

trouble believing that.

Now they think I'm Lester

the molester for Christ's sake.

Do you realize what you're doing to me?

It's time you grew up, God damn it.

Go back to school

or get some kind of a job.

Find yourself a girlfriend.

Hanging around that rathole room

with those crazy movies

and all that goddamn junk.

What should I do?

Sit around getting drunk all day?

You know, sometime you and that

smart mouth are gonna turn around

and you're gonna find me croaked.

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