Meet Monica Velour Page #2

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Not the way you put it away.

You're preserved

like some mutant two-headed sheep

or Einstein's brain.

You through, smartass?

Never wanted to have this

conversation to begin with.

You've got a head like a rock.

Just like your mother.

I hear you in there, you little hoodlum.

Go to bed.

Okay okay. I'm sorry.

Pinhook. Pinhook.

Pinhook.

Loogootee.

Pinhook.

Yay.

Getting closer all the time, buddy.

- Hello?

- It's Tobe.

We talked before

about the truck I'm selling.

- The giant doggy?

- Are you still interested?

I'm pretty far.

No no, it's cool.

I'm gonna drive it down.

- My lucky day.

- $5000, right?

- That's right.

- I'll take the bus back.

- There's a bus station, right?

- Hey, where's the rest of your hat?

- Of course.

- Great. See you soon.

I'm leaving, Pop Pop.

The windows around here

aren't big enough for you?

I'm going to Indiana to sell the truck

and then I don't know what I'll do.

You're leaving just because

I yelled at you?

Later, Kenny.

Hey hey. Well, do you need anything?

Get cash.

Even if you've got to walk the guy

to the bank, get cash.

Hey, where are you going?

Love is waiting

just around the corner

Love is waiting just around

the corner

Love is waiting

just around the corner

They say love is just

around the corner

Any cozy little corner

Love is just around the corner

When I'm around you

Venus de Milo

Was noted for her charms

Just strictly between us,

you're cuter than Venus

And what's more,

you've got arms

So let's cuddle in a corner

Any cozy little corner

Love is just around the corner

And I'm around you

Love is just around the corner

Love is just around the corner.

Cocaine, champagne

Take a ride on my jet plane

Spotlights, late nights

End it all with a drunken fight...

Hey, baby. What are we drinking?

Uh, bourbon.

Coming right up, handsome.

Take a seat wherever you want.

Oh, and I need $40 cash

upfront for the drinks.

- Here, I'll get it.

- Wait, is that-

Wait, no.

I'm looking for Miss Monica Velour.

Monica?

Yeah, she's coming on at 8:30.

I need $40 though in the front.

- Thanks.

- Remember,

Sunday is single dad night

here at The Petting Zoo.

Free games and face painting

in the parking lot for the kiddies.

Hey, I thought you said

she came on at 8:30.

What's your name anyway?

Snickers.

Your parents gave you a dog's name?

No, it's a candy bar.

Huh.

I guess it's better than PayDay.

Or Crackle.

You need another drink.

No.

I'll just finish what I have.

Now is the time to release

All the things

you've been holding back...

You want to go to

the executive VIP lounge?

Where's that?

Only $400.

We could have a real good time.

I didn't see any lounge.

We used to have a lounge

but the roof collapsed.

Now it's in the back seat of my car.

Okay, for you...

$200.

No. No thank you.

I'm here to see Monica Velour.

- $100.

- Huh-uh.

- $60 and two packs of smokes?

- No.

Hey, fellas. What are we having?

- I'm hungry for a bite of Snickers.

- Yeah?

- Snickers needs some nuts.

- Right here, baby.

And now the star of

"Welcome Back Harder"

and "Saturday Night Beaver,"

adult film superstar

- Monica Velour.

- Monica Velour.

Whoo! Monica!

Tonight

I celebrate my love

For you

It seems

The natural thing to do

Tonight no one's gonna find us

We'll leave the world behind us

When I make love to you...

You've got to be shitting me.

Damn.

Somebody ordered off the senior menu.

Shut up.

I think grandma's got

Depends on under there.

Right.

It's amateur night

at the old folks' home.

Yo, I think this guy

over here is in love.

Oh, leave it on, baby.

- Leave it on.

- Shh!

Hey, I think this dickwad has a problem.

Yo, dickwad. What's your problem?

I don't- I don't have a problem.

No, I think you do have a problem.

You keep giving me a look like some

kind of pissed-off f*ggot look.

- You know what I mean?

- Yeah, I see that look.

Hey, can't we all just get along?

We're all friends.

This guy just wants us to be polite

while his grandma up there earns money

for his back-to-school clothes.

Right, guy?

Don't the sheep back at the frat house

feel neglected

with all you guys here tonight?

- What?

- Hear what he said to you, son?

Oh no he didn't.

Who the f*** do you think you are, geek?

That's Monica Velour. Okay?

More woman than you sad rodeo clowns

could ever hope to get in your entire

regrettable existences.

Big words from such a little dick.

That's what I'm talking about, man.

How friends turn into lovers

When I make love to you...

- F*** this sh*t!

- Jesus Christ! Milton!

Come on, get up. Get up.

God damn it, stop it!

Look at my club!

It's not my fault.

Never happened until you came around.

You promised me eight weeks

of headlining.

I know what I promised you.

But look at you.

You're too old to be dancing.

I'll tell you what-

why don't you come in on Monday

and work the room, huh?

She's not working the room with me.

- Oh, eat me, Sparkles.

- Snickers.

That boy was just doing what

you should have been doing.

Just because we work in a sty don't mean

we got to put up with those pigs.

We got rights.

I'm gonna give you two rights, a left

and another right if you don't shut up

and get out of my face!

You ain't my daddy.

Close the door.

Come on. Come on.

Come on, I've got a kid.

That makes two people

with problems, don't it?

What about my car service?

How am I supposed to get home?

Stick a rocket up your ass and fly.

I don't care.

Bye.

How's he doing?

You know this fella?

He knows me.

He'll be fine.

Might have actually gotten hurt

if he weren't so loaded.

People probably survive a plane crash,

they get enough beers in 'em.

Ma'am, he's not fit to drive.

You know where he lives?

Uh, yeah.

I don't live anywhere near here.

Just don't talk.

I'll tell them where to go.

You'll have to sign off for him.

Hey, is that nitrous?

Is this your house?

Well, I didn't know where you lived

and I figured one of us should

be able to get home okay.

Where do you live, anyway?

Auburn, Washington.

Your parents vacationing down here?

My mom died when I was three

and I haven't met my dad.

Jeez, sorry.

So what are you doing here?

I came to see you.

- Just me?

- Uh-huh.

How old are you? 18? 19?

Do you know how old I am?

I could have had you.

So?

You're Monica Velour.

You're beautiful.

You're-

you're a star.

Now I know you're drunk.

Come on, upsy-daisy.

What is that?

It's what you need right now, trust me.

Ugh, it tastes like powdered puke.

Well, you'll thank me tomorrow.

Don't do a whole lot of drinking,

do you?

Not really.

Once I drank a whole case

of non-alcoholic beer though.

I woke up in a pile of fake vomit.

I heard what you did. It was nice.

Stupid, but nice.

It's not often a guy stands up for me.

Those guys were morons.

They were just talking bullshit.

Ah, who knows? Maybe not.

There are certain things

a girl just don't want to hear

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