Meet Monica Velour Page #3

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no matter how old she gets.

But that's the deal, right?

You're only as good as what's

in your bra and panties.

It's weird.

You're a dream.

It looks like you've been popped

out of the movie

to sit on the couch with me.

I used to watch your movies and think

about how great it would be

to meet you and talk to you,

hang out with you.

But it was always just a dream.

But now my dream is real.

Get a lot of ass talking like that?

You got any dough?

My wallet is in my backpack.

I'm calling you a cab.

You've reached the

Country Checkered Cab Company

serving Pinhook, Loogootee

and all of greater Guthrie Township.

Your call is important to us.

Please wait.

So where are you staying?

F***.

Come on.

Wake up.

The school bus is outside.

The ice cream man is here.

Santa Claus came.

Hey, Kayla kitten.

Ronny, a phone call

would really be appreciated

before you decide to just drop on by.

I saw the police and ambulance

at the club last night.

I just came by to see if you were dead.

Well, sorry to disappoint you.

"Stripper Wins Custody Battle. "

That's not a headline you read

a whole bunch, huh?

Well, I've got to make a living somehow.

It's not like your alimony

can keep me going.

No, well, that's why I came by.

See, my lawyer, he wants to make some

changes now that you're working.

Great.

So? You gonna invite us in?

Look,

it's 8:
00 AM on a Saturday morning.

Can't we- can't we do this

some other time?

I ain't leaving. So maybe we'd just

better take this inside, huh?

No.

You got somebody in there, don't you?

It's none of your goddamn business.

You're turning tricks again, aren't you?

You know what? F*** you.

The judge is gonna love this.

This- this is rich.

I've got to see for myself

what kid of loser

pays money to screw

an old shipwreck like you.

What?

Hey hey! Hey hey! Ow!

- Get out of here! Just get out!

- Dumb b*tch.

Hey, you're sick, you know that?

You need help.

Just go. Go, little man.

- Yeah yeah yeah.

- Mommy!

Keep it up, you'll see her

when she's 21.

Kayla baby, I'm sorry.

Everything's gonna be fine.

What are you doing?

Look, it's not a good time.

You need to go.

Wakey wakey, eggs and bacey.

It's- you shouldn't have

been here to begin with.

Just beat it.

Breakfast is the most important

meal of the day.

Those eggs are probably bad.

Five minutes.

Breakfast and then I'll go.

This is a switch.

Look, you really really need to go.

Um, can I get your autograph?

Sure.

Like one on your underwear or something?

No no. Hold on.

Jeez, look at this.

Some old perv croak and leave it to you?

No, it's, uh, mine.

God.

Haven't seen that stuff in years.

My ex made me burn all my movie junk.

Oh, here you are. Girl of the Month.

Yeah, right. My big break.

- Miss January, 1978.

- 1978.

Um, were your turn-ons

really chest hair and customized vans?

If they were, they sure ain't now.

I think my manager

wrote most of that crap.

Hey, what's that?

That's the premiere of

"Furburger Deluxe. "

Oh right, the drive-in waitress one.

Believe me,

bending over in roller skates

is not as easy as it looks.

God, where'd you get all this crap?

Uh, the web,

junk stores.

All over.

Must have a lot of time on your hands.

You're the best.

I don't get into much. Only the best.

Yeah, were the best. Were.

You know, all this time

I told my folks that I was

a jazzercise instructor.

right here.

Look, you should split.

I've got some people coming by.

It was really nice to meet you.

So can I see you?

Bye-bye.

- My van is really far.

- Bye.

Yeah.

All right, see you later.

Maybe.

Keep knocking and you can't come in

Keep knocking and you can't come in

Keep knocking

and you can't come in...

Hello.

Tobe's not here.

Speak slow and leave your number.

Semper fi.

Hey, Pop Pop. It's Tobe.

I'm in Indiana.

I got beat up,

cheated out of money,

someone spray painted the truck,

people tell me to go home.

So much for small-town hospitality.

Don't touch my junk. I'm coming back.

I'm just gonna sell the truck

and take a bus home.

- Hello?

- Hey, Claude.

It's Tobe.

I'm driving through

your neighbor's cornfields.

- I'm in the big white barn.

- I see it.

Can you see me?

- Uh, yeah, I see you.

- I can see you too.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Listen, I put a lot

of work into that guy.

I've got to use him every chance I get.

Claude Turner.

Hey, Tobe.

You look like

you're having a rough trip.

No, it's cool.

You want to check out the truck?

The phallic symbol express? Absolutely.

Come on.

Hmm.

Whatever floats your boat.

Come on in.

Whoa.

So you're an artist?

That's a good word.

Pretty cool stuff.

More good words.

Here you go.

Root beer, king of soda.

You collect all the stuff my grandpa

would tell me to throw out.

He called it junk.

American culture.

Junk is America.

We don't have the Sistine Chapel

or the pyramids.

We have PEZ dispensers

and Big Boy

and trucks with weenies.

And a Russ Meyer and a Creature Feature.

Oh!

Look, we're only 200 years old.

We're still the naive,

over-hormonal teenagers of planet Earth

making lots of mistakes.

- That's five grand, right?

- Yeah.

Oh, uh, no checks.

Cash.

Oh?

Hmm.

Well, you know,

I'm not the cash-laden

celeb artist I appear to be.

It'll take me a few days before

I can get over to the bank.

But I can offer you something

for collateral.

Maybe we can even make a trade.

How about Uncle Ronny

or Tricky Dick for the truck?

I can stay in town until Monday.

Is Monday good?

Okay.

See see Rider

See what you've done done

Lord Lord Lord

Made me love you

Now your gal done come

You made me love you

Now your gal done come.

Hey. Hey!

Who are you?

Uh, a friend.

She's not here right now.

Go get your happy ending somewhere else.

Thanks for the tip.

What's the matter?

You got something against

beautiful teenage girls?

You miss your mommy?

Or did you forget what year it is?

Hey!

- What you do?

- I'm her husband.

You bug off.

- I call police.

- Hey hey, relax.

Ow! Hey!

Hey, stop it!

Hey hey!

Yeah, I know, steamed dumplings

in 20 minutes. Yeah.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah.

- Thanks for coming down.

- Who couldn't wash somebody's hair?

A dead monkey could do this,

I'm telling you.

You know I have a kid right?

Weekends, extra, whatever you need.

Hey. Hey.

She says I don't have

the proper image, she says.

She says this is a class establishment.

Dusty-cunted old hag,

where does she get off?

I've got class coming out

of my friggin' ass.

Swear to God,

you screw a few hundred guys

and the whole world turns against you.

I need a drink.

Hold this.

F*** 'em all.

That winner at my house

the other morning was my ex,

if you hadn't figured that out.

Sounds like a good person

to be broken up with.

Yeah. Right now

it's looking pretty crappy.

I'm taking him to court

to get custody of my daughter.

If he finds out I'm back in the biz

I've got a snowball's chance in hell.

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