Meet Monica Velour Page #4

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But you're not still in it, are you?

You haven't done a movie

since "Where's the Beef?"

No, there's these local guys,

they want to put me in a comeback movie.

They say I've got

bo x cover recognition.

I shouldn't do it,

but I'm f***ing broker than broke.

Won't your ex find out?

Can't you do something else?

Yeah.

You saw how that went.

So what's this movie about?

Well, there's no script,

but I think it's gonna be good.

I mean classy. Something that'll

lead to bigger things.

What's it called?

"Bunghole Banditos. "

Wow.

Sounds like Oscar time.

I don't know.

It's not gonna be like the old days.

They had real stories.

We were actresses.

We tried to make it believable.

Yeah, now it's like Evel Knievel

is directing.

Yeah right. 50 guys, one girl,

half a gallon of Crisco-

will she make it?

- Did you hear her?

- Yeah, but...

they want to pay me three grand.

That's a lot more

than I got in the '70s.

I mean, some of those early ones

all I got was 50 bucks,

a stick of grass

and a case of the crabs.

Is the crabs thing

still part of your contract?

You are a weird f***ing kid.

Linda. Linda baby,

we've got to get together,

- party sometime.

- Yeah, whoo!

Sure, how's never? Is never a good time?

I got 20 bucks.

That's my real name- Linda Romanoli.

You probably already knew that.

And my shoe size and blood type too.

Eight and a half.

I don't know your blood type. Honest.

I'm gonna be sick. I've got to sit down.

All right, don't sit.

Don't sit. Don't sit.

You're almost home.

Doing things right

four or five times

Four or five times

- Maybe I'll sigh

- Maybe I'll sigh

- And maybe I'll cry

- And maybe I'll cry...

If I die

I'm gonna try

four or five times

Four of five times...

- Hold on.

- Oh!

What kind of knight

in shining armor are you?

- And maybe I'll cry

- And maybe I'll cry...

No no. No no no.

You're kinda cute.

Like the guy in the "Archie"

comics with the funny hat.

Jughead. He was the drummer

in their band.

Right.

Oh!

I'm thinking you maybe should leave.

Here.

Can I call you?

Score.

What can I do for you today?

Um... uh...

I'd like to buy some fireworks.

You look for her?

Uh, yeah. Do you know where she is?

At school.

Every day same time.

Do you know where that is?

This way. Not far.

Half a mile.

Baby

Baby, are you satisfied?

- Hello.

- Hi, Daddy.

I say baby...

- How was school?

- Baby, are you satisfied?

Mmm, baby

Tell me if you're satisfied

They're so worried

about your safety, you know?

They spend half your class time

letting you know that drugs kill,

don't drink and drive,

don't have sex- you'll get AIDs,

don't commit suicide.

If you're thinking about it get help.

And then what do they do?

Uh, I can't think.

Well, here, they let you

sign up for the army

at the booth in front of the gym.

- Gym?

- Uh-huh.

I hate gym.

Hold that thought.

- Hey, Monica.

- Hey, kiddo. I got your note.

There is only one thing to do.

Frankenbooty must be destroyed.

I won an award for this.

Yeah, the Coochie Award

for breast actress, 1980.

Yeah yeah.

It's kind of like an Oscar

except shaped like a horse dick.

I wound up banging the dents

out of my Chevy with it.

What was it like working

with Donnie Davis?

I mean, he totally revolutionized horror

with "The Last House on the Street"

and "The House Two Doors Down. "

Well, I can't tell you much there.

I mean, the guy knocked off

a case of Scotch a week.

He wasn't awake for most of the shoot,

and when he was

his attention was mostly focused on

how to most effectively grab my ass.

Now this part, to me this is like

a direct homage

to the Hammer Films tradition

of horror with sex.

Homage? Ain't that cheese?

Oh no, it's French.

It means "to show respect for. "

Well, the only French you should use

when talking about this masterpiece

is "la turd" or "la money de easy. "

You know what I think of th is?

It was fun to make

but boring as paint drying to watch.

Oh!

Now you know how it feels.

You are a weird f***ing kid.

Come on. I look like dog crap.

You, nature- what's not to like?

You'll break your camera.

Where the hell are we going?

You wouldn't be the first guy

to take me out to the woods

to try and kill me, you know.

That's weird.

- And?

- Sit down.

Relax.

What are you doing?

It's okay.

Are you- are you trying

to f***ing kill me?

Okay, turn it off. I'm not kidding.

It's okay, it's okay.

It's our one-week anniversary.

I met you a week ago today.

All right, get down. Get down.

You f***ing dick.

- That was awesome.

- That was really good.

And for dinner we have hot dogs.

That's a shock.

So how did you first hook up

with Mr. Wonderful?

Yeah, right.

I had this gig dancing down in Tampa.

And he brought in his business clients,

became a regular, talked to the girls,

started asking me out

and after a while I said yeah.

And at first it was nice.

He treated me good.

He bought me nice stuff.

He had a good job. He was straight.

So getting married

seemed like the thing to do.

And I tried to be a good girl,

but it weren't enough.

What he wanted was a goddamn slave.

Ouch.

Yeah, we fought all the time,

throwing dishes, the whole nine yards.

We knew the cops by name after awhile.

Everybody makes mistakes.

Yeah, everybody makes mistakes.

Sure, but it ain't that easy.

You can make a mistake

that can ruin your whole life.

He didn't ruin your life.

Yeah, I got Kayla out of it.

It's just life, you know?

You get sucked into things

and time goes by

and you wonder who's that

looking at you in the mirror.

Not that you'd understand.

It's just...

I thought I'd be

farther along at this age,

made a difference in the world.

You know?

But you have made a difference.

You made people happy, excited.

Excited?

I think I've had a little too much

of that kind of excitement in my life.

People like me-

goofy-looking guys who can't get a date,

lonely old guys or couples even.

I mean, there are probably

thousands of babies

born from "Jigglebuns Part 2" alone.

Yeah.

Maybe.

Got a girlfriend?

No.

I don't know.

There was this one girl

I liked- Amanda.

But she's a dork.

And I'm a dork.

I think dork dating

is still illegal in most states.

You're just scared.

I'm not scared.

Young and scared of the real thing.

You're scared it won't be like a movie.

If you could be anywhere

in the world right now,

where would you be?

I don't know.

Well, think of someplace.

But how am I gonna get there?

You gonna drive me in the bonermobile?

Okay.

Oregon.

What's in Oregon?

It's natural out there.

I don't know. It's spiritual.

There's the ocean

and clams on the beach.

Great dope.

Me and Kayla,

we get a place in the woods-

a log cabin.

Nobody looking down

their noses at us anymore.

I heard of a family who did that once.

Really?

Yeah.

Gave it all up and moved

out into the woods.

That's cool. How'd they do?

One winter they got snowed in

and they had to eat their grandma.

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