Meet Monica Velour Page #5

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You know, for a young kid,

you really are a negative downer.

Sorry.

You know what I hate more

than anything else?

Negativeness.

Hmm.

I sort of have a confession to make.

I knew this was coming.

I'm 17.

F***.

I think the last date I had

with a 17-year-old,

I was 12.

I turn 18 in October.

Hmm.

You a virgin?

It's cute.

It's old-timey like a-

like a kid still wanting

to be president.

I'm not stupid.

You had this all planned.

Is that okay? We can go home.

No. It's original.

"A" for effort.

- Pinch a little, don't twist.

- Oh.

- You ain't changing channels.

- I'm sorry.

No, don't press on it.

More like you're painting a house.

Is this good?

There you go.

Just like that.

Now put a raincoat

on your little friend there.

- Little?

- Don't worry about it.

- Oh, wow.

- Oh, that's right.

Back and forth.

Little circles.

Little circles.

Whoo!

Whoo! Yeah!

I love someone second to none

But, Cupid, you hear me

talking to you

In making love he makes

a dove look stupid

He's made love a special art

Gives me treatment for my heart

I realized

Right from the start...

Hey, Pop Pop, call me.

Call me back on the telephone.

You know, the telephone?

Remember reading about that?

It was invented shortly

after your 40th birthday.

It's where you can talk to people far

away without having to yell real loud.

Come on.

Steeno residence, Kenneth speaking.

Kenny, it's Tobe.

Hey, have you seen my grandpa?

- Is he all right?

- I was at the skin doctor all day.

Do me a favor- find him.

Tell him to ignore my last message.

I don't think I'm coming back.

Huh? Why?

Tell him I'm in love

with Monica Velour.

Who's that?

It's the lady in all my posters.

Just do it.

I don't know where

you get that, but it's good.

I need that too.

Hot dogs. Get your hot dogs.

Hi, Mommy.

Hey, baby.

Uh, why aren't you with your daddy?

Tobe said you wanted to see me.

Didn't I tell you never

to go with strangers?

He's not a stranger. He's your friend.

I saw him in your house.

What the hell are you doing?

Are you crazy?

You wanted to see her. Here she is.

And you didn't pick her up

so there's no custody rules broken.

This is not cool. My ex finds out

about this, he's gonna sh*t.

Johnny, watch Kayla, will you?

- Come here, Kayla.

- Go on, baby.

What are those guys doing here?

- They're my friends.

- They're the creeps who yelled at you.

Look, you can't do this,

coming around out of the blue,

picking up my kid,

asking all kinds of questions.

- Huh-uh.

- Hey, who invited Oscar Mayer?

I'd like to see you.

What about tomorrow?

I don't think so. I'm working.

You got a job?

Yeah, I'm gonna do some glamour work

over at the Crestline Motor Lodge.

I'm gonna be a big star all over again.

Wait, that "Bunghole Burrito" movie?

I thought you said you don't want to.

Yeah, well, when is life

doing things you want to?

I need the money.

You got any better suggestions?

I mean I can't even get

a six-buck-an-hour shampoo girl job

in this town.

Not without someone waving

a dick in my face.

- Well, what about Kayla?

- What about Kayla?

Lawyers don't work for free.

No, you said that if people find out

you're back in the business,

you would never get custody.

Well, maybe I'll get lucky this time.

Nobody will ever know I did it.

The way this one sounds,

they're not gonna be taking

any close-ups of my face anyway.

There has to be something else though.

This could ruin everything.

What are you getting

so high and mighty for?

You wouldn't even know who I was

unless I balled on camera.

Come on, Linda. Beer's getting cold.

I mean warm.

And I'm getting cold. Come on.

You know something?

You're just like all the rest.

You spend your whole life looking

for some wild jungle sex machine.

And when you find one all you want to do

is turn her into f***ing June Cleaver.

I just- I just don't think

you should do it. I could help you.

Look, I don't need another guy

trying to run my life.

You're not my boyfriend.

You're some kid I took home

'cause I felt sorry for.

And you're f***ing 17.

I mean, all you know about

is, like, book reports

and dances at the gym

and some stupid movies I did

I mean, that's fantasy. This is reality.

That's something you know nothing about.

And the reality is that me and every

other woman in the world...

we have minds of our own.

So unless you want to buy

some Arab slave girl

or a thing you blow up

with a bicycle pump,

you'd better learn

to f***ing deal with it.

You should go.

Monica, really, I care about you.

Yeah, that's not my name.

Hey, you got ears, weenie boy?

The lady don't want you around here.

You're busting up the party. Amscray.

Okay, I want you to call your daddy

and tell him that

you're with a girlfriend

and you're gonna be home soon, okay?

Okay.

Yeah, baby.

Oh, f*** me!

Later.

I see you.

Oh, f***.

Hey, Tobe.

I was wondering

if I'd ever see you again.

Here to bestow me with the wondrous

educated hot dog?

Yeah.

Sorry, I got caught up in some stuff.

That's five grand, right?

What kind of stuff catches you up

in Loogootee?

Well, there's this woman

I'm involved in.

You work fast.

I sort of knew her from before.

Oh, the thick plottens.

Everything hunky-dory?

I don't know. Maybe-

maybe I need some advice.

Well, if you don't mind

that I've lived alone

for going on 10 years.

When I was your age a computer

would fill this whole barn.

Sit down.

This girl that I-

or this woman that I'm with,

she's a mess.

I see.

I mean, she's angry all the time.

You know, it's like she's given up

on things ever going right for her.

It's like the biggest problem

she has is her.

Sounds like a lot of people sometime.

How old is your lady-friend?

Uh, 49.

You know, I hate to be the one

to say this to you but...

but you may not be big enough

to go on this ride.

She's surrounded by creeps.

They're just taking

total advantage of her.

We bring people

into our lives for a reason.

She brought you into hers.

I want to help her.

I know I can make things better for her.

Yeah, helping people-

tricky biz.

Now you can open the door

and they just stay there.

Or even jump out the window.

But she's gonna ruin her life.

I don't- what should I do?

You care about her?

Yeah.

Her, not just you and her?

Uh-huh.

Then you have to do the first thing

that comes into your mind.

Unless it involves automatic weapons.

Or semi-automatic weapons.

Even if you flop,

it'll be real.

It'll be a Tobe...

Hulbert.

It'll be a Tobe Hulbert flop.

But what if I do flop?

Well,

my dad, also Claude, was a magician

back when people

really wanted to believe

in something that was obviously unreal.

When I would watch him do his act,

it would be another layer

of mystery for me and my mom,

if the tricks he did last week

would work this week.

They didn't always.

Sometimes the rabbit would be in heat.

Or the assistant got drunk.

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