Meet My Valentine Page #2

out of it anyway.

But in this case,

I think youre

out of your league.

And that,

ladies and gentlemen,

is why you never date

a pediatrician.

My time is up.

Thanks, everyone.

Everybody give it up

for Chet Chaney, man.

Come on, one more

round of applause

for Chet Chaney.

I hate this guy.

Hate him.

Is this the guy

that Tammy--

I thought

you were over her.

Oh, I dont care

about Tammy. Its Dale.

He was my little guy,

and we were gonna

raise him together,

and now because she

doesnt want me anymore,

I gotta deal

with the fact

that this guy

is gonna be the one

tucking him in at night,

that hes gonna be

the one that looks

at him as a father?

Its too much, man.

Its too much.

Come on. So you ready

for this next comic?

Dale was your dog,

right?

Labradoodle.

I think I just got

the light. Im, uh--

- lets go do this.

- Okay.

- Break a leg.

- Brynn:
How is Mac funny?

I mean, Ive not seen

him funny one time.

- I dont get it.

- Hmm.

Uh-oh.

What?

Nothing. Nothing.

Do you think

Im out of my league?

With the restaurant,

I mean?

Oh, honey.

Youre in the majors,

and the rest of us

are just playing

intramural field hockey.

( feet tapping )

When you say things like that,

I could just kiss you.

Oh, well, at least wait

till I get to the bar

so I can get some

free drinks out of it.

- Oh.

- ( chuckles )

Emcee:

But, um, this guy

is nowhere near

as funny as the last dude,

but, hey, hes here,

so everybody give a--

a small clap for...

Mac Brown.

( applause )

Uh, its a pleasure

to be here.

You almost

missed Mac.

The first thing I noticed

as I look around the room

is we have ladies here.

I just like to take

a moment up front and

apologize to the ladies.

Ladies, Im sorry

Im not better-looking.

I wish I was

a really good-looking guy.

I would take my shirt off,

-dance around.

Youd all be very excited.

- ( applause )

I had a conversation

with this girl once.

Cause I found out

when she was in college,

she spent a semester

in Ireland.

I said to this girl,

"When you were in Ireland,

were you with

a lot of guys?"

And her answer was,

"Dont worry about it."

And that is not

a very good answer.

That is not

what you want to hear.

Because women have

a particular kind of math

when it comes

to hooking up, right?

If she says "two,"

it probably means five.

If she says "five,"

it probably means 10.

And if she says

"Dont worry about it,"

it means theyre singing

folk songs about her.

- ( laughter )

-In Ireland, as we speak--

There is a statue

of her in Dublin

the boys touch for good luck

when they turn 13.

( cheering )

Anyway...

I try to date, you know.

I date a lot.

Okay, not a lot,

but I try to...

( scanner humming )

Doctor:

Four to six months,

you can expect

the first signs to show,

usually, uh, tremors

in the hands and feet,

then a relatively

quick decline

in motor skills,

followed by agnosia,

or the loss of ability

to recognize people,

places, words, et cetera.

Now, the usual

course of action

would be to operate,

but, um...

the particular placement

being what it is,

Im afraid surgery

is not an option,

Mr. Bishop.

How much time?

Its hard to predict

with tumors.

How much time?

Nine months,

a year at most.

Ahem.

Well, then Ill have

my nurse schedule

your first round

of chemotherapy

for tomorrow.

Tomorrow...

tomorrow?

We need to begin

as soon as possible.

In the meantime,

Id like to talk

about your diet.

Uh, not insofar

as how itll affect

your prognosis,

but rather how itll

help you tolerate

the chemotherapy.

( knock on door )

Since when

do you knock?

Tom...

What are you

doing, Mac?

All right, I knew

this wasnt for me.

"Passages

of the Heart."

Guy at the bookstore

said it is the best

"your-friend-is-dying" book

for under $10.

( laughs )

I-Im sorry. I was--

I was just trying to help.

I know.

Seriously, though,

how are you?

Im fine.

Hows Val?

She doesnt know,

not yet.

Okay, not yet,

as in youre waiting

to see if theres a cure?

Theres no cure.

All right, listen, Tom,

I am the last guy

who should be

giving out advice.

I mean, I spend $200

a month on comic books.

But you gotta tell her.

No, not yet.

The second

Val finds out

about this,

this whole thing

becomes emotional,

and I dont have time

for emotion. Not now.

I have a plan.

And I need to stay

focused on that right now.

So I was thinking

about our conversation

the other night--

about Dale.

- My dog?

- Someday soon, I will be...

- Tom--

- ...gone.

- Tom--

- And when I am,

Valentine is gonna look

for someone new.

And that person

is going to become...

Phoebes dad.

Hes going to have

breakfast at my

kitchen table,

and sleep

in my bed,

and watch my little girl

grow up.

Hes going to teach her

how to drive a car.

She doesnt even know

how to ride a bike yet.

Im not gonna be here

for that.

There are a thousand

of those things

that I am not gonna

get a chance to see.

I dont know

how to face this,

knowing that the person

who might become her dad

isnt good enough.

I need to have a say

in who raises

my daughter.

Tom, Im--

Im honored.

I mean, listen,

I always thought Val was hot,

so thats not

gonna be a problem,

but for you to think Id be

a good father for Phoebe,

- I mean, I just--

- Not you.

Fair enough.

Im going to find

my own replacement.

Is this what your meeting

was about today?

-Because if so...

- No, no.

This is just

something Mac

came up with.

Yeah, right,

it was my idea.

You know,

its, uh, funny.

Its for my

YouTube channel.

So, okay, let me

get this straight.

You want to put

pictures of me

-on Singles.net?

- Mm-hmm.

And then

when guys come...

- Then Mac

jumps out and--

- Filming. I film.

Yeah,

the whole things

being filmed,

- like "Candid Camera"

or one of those--

- Yeah, hilar--

- itll be hilarious.

- Its supposed to be funny.

We havent figured out

all-- the ending of it--

Theres things,

but Ill be funny.

Okay...

youre not gonna use

any of the vacation photos?

What? No.

No.

Okay. Well, then...

pftt...

...cool.

I mean, do what you want.

I mean, nobody watches

that stupid channel anyway.

- No offense.

- None taken.

Ahem.

You know, this whole thing

isnt like you...

like, at all.

Sometimes

people change.

Mm-hmm. Not usually.

Mac:

All right.

Singles.net.

Gonna need name.

Valen--

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa.

What, are you nuts?

Dont use

her real name.

All right, fine.

An alias,

give me an alias.

Um...

I like Nina,

Nina Blair.

Nina. Okay.

Its a sexy spy name.

That works.

Nina Blair.

Okay, pic.

Need a picture.

Okay, here.

Another one...

- Uh...

- Okay, look.

Here, this one.

Right there.

Not a chance. No.

Look how much skin

shes showing.

Too much skin?

Tom, Ive seen

Amish women

in less than that.

Theyre gonna

want to see what

she looks like, okay?

Theyre dudes.

- Fine, fine.

Use that one.

- Okay. All right.

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