Meet the Blacks Page #4

I ain't seen no woman.

- All I've been seeing is dick.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Like, I mean,

like, them niggas--

- Them niggas in jail got big-ass d*cks.

- I don't wanna hear that sh*t!

We in shower,

they swinging dick everywhere.

Sh*t missed

and bumped me in my elbow...

- and I was on the other side of the room.

- Okay, enough.

Enough with other men.

That too much.

Well, let me f*** your old lady.

I won't talk about 'em no more.

What did I just say

about you, Cronut?

You think it's a f***ing game.

Stop playing.

- All right.

- We're having a family meeting...

in 10 minutes.

Get my truck,

put back the f*** together...

- and get in there on the meeting.

- All right.

Take that black

curtain rod off your head.

- No, I got wave caps.

- That ain't a wave cap.

- I'm trying to get waves.

- Them is fingerprints in your head.

No, this is nice waves.

Yes, boss.

I's-a getting to it.

Treat me like

I'm a goddamn slave.

I'm your peoples!

Now, this is a family meeting

for the Blacks.

Now, I'm a little upset...

that you guys

haven't been appreciative...

of this big mansion

that I put you in.

You know I'm grateful.

You don't get no more

"gratefu-ker" than me.

Kids, I did all this,

guys, for you.

Well, Daddy,

we didn't ask for this.

- You need to get Ray Rice.

- Carl, do you see...

- Cronut, shut the f*** up.

- Yes, Your Highness.

I've been trying to get

this Wings and Things account...

so that I can

give you guys a better life...

so I can put some smiling faces

on your face.

All right,

how about a smile?

Listen, we are here

to have a good time.

No iPhones, no iPads.

- What?

- Put that sh*t down.

- We're rich...

- Rich.

We're black,

and we're going for a walk.

You guys couldn't even

walk in Chicago...

- Let's go.

- Listen to what the man's saying!

- You heard Father.

- Let's go.

I got this.

Oh, never mind.

I was just...

Damn, this is nice.

We gotta meet

some friends around here.

Oh, no, no, no.

Bone Thugs-N-Harmony

and Kim Kardashian.

Not in my neighborhood.

911. The janitor speaking.

Yeah, I'd like to report a suspicious

black family in my gated community.

Give me your address...

They're just walking

down the street.

Free for everyone to see.

They probably have weapons

of mass destruction.

The little one looks like

an evil overlord.

Can you please

send someone, please?

Hello? Hello!

Babe, let's just

go back to the house.

They don't wanna walk.

Come on,

let's enjoy this.

We in Beverly Hills.

Look how nice this neighborhood is.

Smell the fresh air.

It's nice, right?

- Oh, man, damn.

- This is dumb.

Don't try to take

my side either, okay...

because I still

don't know you like that.

Hey, hey, hey,

watch your mouth now.

Daddy, that's not my mother.

I don't have

to listen to her.

My mother died, okay?

That's just your wife.

- Okay, now...

- That's just a side chick that made it.

You're gonna respect

your elders now.

- Happy Purge, neighbor.

- The f***?

Baby, he's got a gun.

- Can I please go back in the house, Dad?

- I'ma pop them legs now.

- Relax.

- What?

That's why

I got the switch.

- Welcome, Blacks!

- Hey, hey, hey!

- Why you yelling?

- Oh, you must excuse him.

He gets so excited

when we get to meet new people.

Especially different people.

So welcome

to our beautiful neighborhood.

- I am Jim Smith and...

- That makes me Mary Smith.

And we are... the Smiths.

- We come bearing gifts.

- I'll take that.

- You eat this?

- Yeah.

It's little goodies

from Williams and Sonoma.

- So it's food.

- Never mind him.

- He's a little...

- Yeah, special needs.

Oh, I get it.

She's got a brother that's got

special needs, too.

It's okay, little fella.

- That's a nice little guy.

- What the f***?

Why are you rubbing him

like a yorkie terrier?

He is such a stinker.

It's true, I am.

I did not get your names.

- You are...?

- I'm Lorena.

- Lorena. Latina?

- Yes.

- Un nombre bonito.

- Mucho gracias.

Okay, that's

a f***ing 'nough, Bill.

- Come on, man, what are you doing?

- Stop flirting, you.

All that neato

Telemundo sh*t.

Why would you want that

when you can have this?

Sweetie, you know I can't resist

a beautiful face.

- Thank you.

- You better put a leash on his ass.

And you are?

My name is Carl Black.

Don't Hate Wiring.

You've probably seen, you know, yeah.

But I also own

a new company now.

It's called

Mandingo Plumbing...

'cause I lay pipe.

- Carl. Carl, stop.

- I'd like to lay some on your fat ass.

- And I come right after it.

- Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.

- Okay.

- And look at this.

Are you a little

black vampire?

- Stop it.

- It's a little ironic...

that your name

is Black...

- because you are--

- Don't say it, b*tch.

- Carl!

- No, she know what she's doing.

You moved into the house...

at the end of Cherry Blossom,

is that right?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I'll bet you got

a deal on that one.

I did-- oh, we did get

a good deal in it, yes.

- Why?

- Well...

Let's just say

the last owners...

left in a little bit

of a hurry, mid-renovation.

What the f***

is mid-renovation?

They didn't survive the Purge.

But, you know, I'm sure...

That's the first warning.

- Yes.

- Happy Purge, neighbors.

Happy Purge!

Okay, well...

here's dinner.

- What is that?

- It's chicken.

What, you've never

seen chicken, Allie?

- Are you sure?

- The kitchen is brand-new.

There's all those knobs,

and I didn't really know how to put the...

I understand.

It looks good.

Yeah, it looks like

a vampire chicken...

after the sun comes out.

That better be the sound

for the club.

What's with this Purge

bullshit, all right?

Oh, my God, Dad.

You don't pay attention to anything.

Tonight's only

the most dangerous night all year.

Yeah, people can get away

with robbing, murdering...

whatever crime they want

for 12 hours.

And the police

can't do anything about it.

Okay, look.

Enough with this Purge sh*t, all right?

It's a damn joke.

People don't purge

in no damn neighborhood like this.

Sh*t, man,

I just got out of prison...

and here you go

with this f***in' sh*t.

I didn't come out

for this sh*t.

I'm too old

for this sh*t, man.

- Sh*t.

- Maybe it was just down the street.

Maybe we should board up

the windows or something.

- Yeah.

- Blacula.

Are you scared?

I thought you was the night

of the walking dead.

I'm the living dead.

The walking dead

are zombies.

I think Carl's Jr.'s right.

We need to batten down the hatches.

- You know what I'm saying?

- No, no, no, listen, guys.

I moved you guys to the safest zip code

in the country, all right?

They don't purge

in neighborhoods like this.

Back in Chicago, we couldn't even look

out the windows, remember?

But at least we knew

who was coming for us.

Now, we're safe.

This is protection.

This is first class living

right here, all right?

We don't have to worry

about all that crazy stuff.

Oh, sh*t,

I'd rather be in jail getting f***ed.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes