Meet the Blacks Page #3

Repeat after me, baby.

I...

- I.

- Love.

- Love.

- Sex.

I knew you wanted

the D, baby.

- Let me get it one time from the back.

- Allie!

Bet you didn't think

I'd be participating tonight.

Purge?

They're still on that sh*t?

Bu! your president

is a man of the people.

And like you,

I got the urge to purge.

Purge these nuts.

It's going down, y'all.

Jay Leno, you got

a lot of cars.

Pick a fast one, motherf***er.

Allie, the TV's

f***ed up again.

Hey, nigga!

F*** you, "i993!

Shut the f*** up, nigga.

Hold on, you ain't gonna be

treating me like no side b*tch.

Baby, please, please.

You're gonna get me in trouble!

- You're gonna get me in...

- Allie!

Say, "F*** you, Dad,"

and then make me a sandwich.

- Make me a sandwich.

- Okay, I'll make you...

a peanut butter

and jelly sandwich.

- Allie!

- All right, Daddy, I'm coming!

All right, Daddy, f*** you!

- I said it in your voice.

- Shut up!

Allie Black!

- What's up, Daddy?

- Don't you hear me calling you?

I'm trying to--

What are you doing?

- Nothing.

- ...no place that you are safe.

I'm trying to get

this TV working.

It's on some bullshit.

Well, dang, Daddy,

ain't this what you do for a living?

Yeah, but I didn't wire

this sh*t up.

Some white man

wired this up.

This ain't nigga-rigged.

Hey, you know what would be great?

Two birds with one stone?

If you could hide

in Erik Estrada's house.

Everything on here

is the Purge.

- I know.

- You ain't gonna be able...

to watch

nothing else today.

It's the government,

the Purge.

All right, well, we ain't scared

of no damn Purge.

- We're from Cook County.

- What?

We grew up on food stamps.

That's the Purge.

- Sh*t.

- We know this life.

- First and 15.

- What?

- Nigga.

- Yeah.

- Fix the TV.

- All right.

Arnold Schwarzenegger,

I'ma be out there.

Let me get this call.

- $0 go do if now-

- Hello?

I'm gonna take this

for myself, b*tch.

- He called me down here for nothing.

- I live in Beverly Hills now.

I don't live in Chicago.

Locating enemy target.

Locating enemy target.

Target locked.

Carl's Jr., stop it!

Junior, you get that

out of here!

Holy sh*t!

You know what?

Carl needs me.

He needs me

to take all this.

Thank you.

Just take all this little money.

And all this weed in the house.

We got kids in here.

Cronut!

Freezee,

you can't stay here.

- You--

- What you mean?

- Look, you gotta go.

- Where am I supposed to go?

I don't know,

but you can't stay here, nigga.

- You gotta go.

- It's sundown, baby.

I'll get my ass

purged quick.

Baby, I've seen it.

- They purge niggas like me quick.

- I don't wanna get you purged.

Well, then--

I mean, what...

- Come on.

- My dad, man.

I'll handle your dad.

Let me stay.

Please let me stay.

Come on.

Do it for us.

Let me put the tip in.

Let me stay.

Pick one or the other.

All right. Okay.

- Okay, I can smash?

- No!

You can stay, but you--

Baby, listen to me.

You have to be quiet.

My dad don't play that sh*t.

Baby, you gotta be quiet

'cause you know when I lay it down...

- Okay, okay, okay.

- Shut up.

45, 47.

- Carl?

- What's up?

- We need to talk.

- I thought we already talked.

- Where's the kids?

- Cronut's disgusting.

- Cronut?

- Allie and Carl's Jr. both hate me.

- I don't know what to do, Carl.

- Come on, just have a seat.

Come on,

come on, come on, relax.

Just talk to me.

What is the deal?

I can't live in this house...

knowing that there is a man

fully masturbating to me.

There's a tent coming up

in his pants every time I'm around.

Okay, okay, look.

Cronut, he been in jail.

He's been in prison.

He's a little weird.

- But let me control that, okay?

- When?

I'm gonna get ahold

of his little ass. Relax.

Let me get the little leprechaun

in my possession.

- Kick his ass out.

- Look, I'ma go talk to Cronut...

and we're gonna have

a family meeting.

We're gonna get together.

Let's--

Let me handle it, okay?

- Okay. Okay.

- All right.

- Thank you.

- Okay, baby.

All right,

let me go talk to Allie.

I gotta find a way

to make this family work.

Sh*t.

Cronut!

Cronut.

Cronut.

Cronut.

Don't be playing around, Cronut.

Yeah, you see this?

You see it?

You ride my mustache.

Ride my mustache.

Don't act like you don't--

Don't act.

- What are you doing?

- Come on, cuz. We cousins.

- Don't be scaring me like that.

- I asked you to come out here, man...

and look at my SUV, man...

and change the oil.

What the f*** is this?

I was trying

to change the oil, man...

but the oil's

so gooky and sh*t...

it's like dried-up nut.

I can't do that.

I don't need no little shade tree mechanic

running around here.

If you don't know what you're doing,

take my sh*t to Midas.

I do know what I'm doing.

It's made me come up

with great ideas.

- A great idea like what?

- A million-dollar idea.

- A million-dollar idea?

- Yeah.

- With brand-new SUV?

- Brand-new?

It was brand-new when civil rights

movement was going on.

It's a one owner.

One owner?

Who was the one owner, Jesus?

Nah, man!

A white lady had it in her garage...

- and never drove it.

- Was it Driving Miss Daisy?

What's that

little bolt right there?

- Which one?

- Goddamn mouth.

- What's with you, bro?

- Talking about my sh*t ain't brand-new.

- Man, you need counseling, bro.

- You do, too.

No, I don't.

You do, man.

'Cause I got great ideas.

I'm trying to help you out...

make this situation better

for both of us...

'cause I got this great idea.

Let me tell you about it, man.

All right,

hear me out, bro.

Here's what I'm thinking.

These models are notorious...

for having electrical problems

that start fire.

So what I'm thinking

is speeding up the process.

That way,

this b*tch explodes...

- you feel what I'm saying?

- Yeah.

If it explodes...

we get a new model,

and a big settlement.

And if I get

a big settlement, boom!

So you think you're gonna get a settlement

for blowing up in this truck?

- If I'm in it.

- You're gonna blow up?

I'm not gonna blow

all the way up.

I'm not gonna die,

that'd be stupid.

All I'm gonna do is just burn

my whole front of my body.

Like you know

how Kunta Kinte's back is?

That's how the front

of my chest's gonna look...

Dumb as a box

of f***ing rocks.

You got

a bad b*tch now...

No, no, no, no.

And speaking of a bad b*tch...

stop f***ing

with my wife around here.

No, for real.

Stop jacking off to her...

- stop watching her.

- Who told you? They snitching on me?

No, she told me.

You've been running around here...

with your little dinkle out

and stuff.

- Cut it out!

- Did she tell you she don't like you...

'cause you look

like Lionel Richie?

I don't look like

no f***ing Lionel Richie.

- Yes, you do.

- No, I don't look like Lionel Richie.

You gotta look at it

from my point of view.

I've been locked up

for two years now.

I know.

I put money on your f***ing books.

So I haven't seen nobody that fine--

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