Meet the Feebles Page #4

You got a title?

I thought:

"Dennis Does Daisy".

Nah, that's lousy.

Well how about:

"Anal Antics"?

Not bad.

It's got a certain ring to it.

It'll appeal to the intellectuals.

Do you think it'll do as well as

our last release...

and win the Hooker Prize?

You know I'm worried

about Madame Bovine.

We've lost money on

hr last two pictures.

You want her replaced, boss?

I think the public are tired

of big udders.

Find someone young and petite.

Sure thing, boss.

Bring on the next act!

It's the contortionist,

Arbee Bargwan.

I told him he wasn't needed

for half an hour.

He'll be meditating.

Well you'll just have

to interrupt him, won't you?

Never mind.

I'll get him myself.

Arbee darling,

I hate to intrude upon nirvana...

but you're needed on stage.

Please don't interrupt me.

I am travelling on the astral plane.

Perhaps you could change

your flight plan...

and grace us mere mortals

with your presence.

I'm impervious to your cynicism.

Listen to me,

you double-jointed freak!

If you're not on stage

in five minutes...

you can consider yourself permanently

disembodied from the show.

Hey!

Oh good gracious, Harry!

Somebody call a doctor!

How are we feeling, Harry?

I feel real bad, Doc.

What have I got.

I'll do some tests,

but I don't hold out much hope.

There's only one disease

that fits these symptoms.

It's the big one, Harry.

No!

Not the big one!

I'll have to notify

the health authorities.

They'll want a list of

your sexual partners...

for the last twelve months.

It can't be true!

It can't be!

I've taken precautions!

Ah, tell me Doc...

how long have I got?

It's difficult to tell...

but with a case

as advanced as yours...

ten,

maybe twelve...

- Months?

- Hours.

I'm sorry, Harry.

Doc, can you do me

one favour

Sure Harry, shoot.

Don't tell anyone.

Let me do the show tonight.

OK Harry.

I want to go out

with my reputation intact.

Fat chance Harry!

All right then Arbee,

thrill me!

Hippy sh*t!

Sorry Guv.

Should I start again?

Move on, move on.

Oh dear!

Are you all right up there?

I seem to have stuck

my head up rectum.

You mean it's not part of your act?

Pity.

We could call it:

"Passage to India".

Come on, come on, uncontort!

Somebody help him!

It's no good Guv,

he's stuck fast.

I am in need of assistance here,

please.

Oh god, this is it!

This is the last straw!

Bletch!

We've got to talk!

We've got a crisis on our hands!

Winyard's killed his assistant.

Arbee's out of action...

Sid's routine is

a complete write-off!

We've got no alternative but

to reinstate my song!

No!

Bletch, I'm sorry...

but the show is

in a shambles!

This is a family show,

for Chrissake!

The network would never allow it.

But it's a superb piece of song

and dance...

It'll go down fabulously

with the public.

I demand it be included!

Keep your filthy paws

off my furniture!

We've got a wonderful new

interpretation.

It sort of goes like this.

Watch.

The chorus come sin stage left...

and there's a lovely little bit

with a piano...

and that's where I come in

from upstage.

And I sort of pirouette...

and the strings are swirling

around me...

and if you can imagine...

and the cellos re coming in

and it's just...

And I leap across la la!

I say, Bletch,

put me down!

I've had just about enough

of your goddamn compositions.

Now get back on the stage

and do your job!

It's your loss, Philistine!

F*ggot!

Good morning, Frau Heidi!

What will it be today?

Just one of those tiny truffles,

please.

This one...

Will that be all, Frau Heidi?

Something to take away, maybe?

The black forest cherry cake?

Hi Harry!

Just doing a bit of undercover work.

Heh!

That rash on your groin...

looks pretty ugly...

and don't taste too good neither.

Get out of my bed, you parasite!

Hold it right here, Harry.

That's great!

Me nuts!

I was sorry to hear

about your fatal disease.

Do you have any comments?

It's a slander,

it's libel!

I have no fatal disease!

I'm perfectly healthy!

Let me just see what

Dr. Quack had to say.

Quote:

"There's only one disease

that fits these symptoms.

It's the big one, Harry. "

Unquote.

Move your hand away.

I want some shots of real tears.

Want do you want from me?

Money?

I'll pay you anything.

Sorry, Harry.

You could never pay me

what this story's worth.

Wait! Wait!

I'll give you

my life insurance policy.

Life insurance?

Now you're talking.

Come over here,

I'll sign it over to you.

Great, I'll be able to cash it

in this time tomorrow.

Nice try, Harry!

I've got to go, we both

have deadlines to meet.

Get it, Harry?

"Deadline".

That's not a bad one.

Stop press!

Hold the front page!

I got an exclusive!

Here!

You stuck it in the wrong way round!

I'm sorry.

I didn't know worms had nerves.

Since the nightmare of Vietnam

he's been a hopeless drug addict.

It made me realise

just how lucky I am.

How lucky we both are!

I'm so glad we decided

to get engaged.

Good luck for tonight, Lucy.

- Are you nervous?

- Just a bit.

Me too.

Actually I'm terribly nervous.

This is my first show.

You'll be wonderful.

I know you will.

I hope I'm not interrupting.

I was just dressing

for the show.

So I see.

What do you want?

A moment of your time.

We've got something

to celebrate.

- What's that?

- Your new career.

Lucille, I'm going to put you

in the movies.

Movies!

I've been watching you

for some time.

You've got

that indefinable something.

Star quality!

That's my real ambition,

to be in films!

I've got a meaty part for you.

Will I have to audition?

That's what I'm here for.

I feel woozy.

Let me loosen your clothes.

What beautiful white fur

you've got, my dear.

Lucille, you left this...

Hike!

Can't you see that we're busy?

- Lucille!

- Oh, Jesus!

- Robert!

- You've been drinking.

It's OK.

I've finished with her anyway.

Oh, go for your life, kid.

She's a real good ride.

- How could you do this?

- Robert!

Lucille, ho could you?

No!

Robert!

Wait!

Where's she for God's sake?

Look at the time!

It's all right, Guv.

Miss Heidi's arrived on stage.

At last!

From the top!

On a magic night...

when the way you feel...

is a mystery...

that will be revealed...

Could be an angel...

from up above...

with a flower...

from the garden of love.

Garden of love...

On another day...

it may come again...

It's a Valentine...

from a special friend.

That certain someone...

you'be been thinking of...

with a flower from the garden...

the garden of love...

garden of love...

There are mysteries

that no one knows...

someone offers you

a simple rose...

There's no limit to...

It wasn't my fault.

You've been over-eating again

No I haven't.

There is black forest cherry cake

in your cleavage.

How did that get there?

You know what chocolate

does to your system.

It was only a small wedge.

Your contract states

you are forbidden...

to eat gateaux

on the day of a performance.

- I was depressed.

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