Meet The Spartans

(drumroll)

(rousing orchestral fanfare playing)

(fanfare ends)

(woman chanting plaintively

over mournful melody)

(deep whooshing)

(percussion booming)

(plaintive chanting continues)

(percussion booming)

(thunder crashing)

(singing slows, distorting)

MALE NARRATOR:

In the land of Sparta...

when babies were born...

the elders would

inspect them for defects.

BABY (Scottish accent):

Ah. Are you my mama?

'Cause I'm ready to suckle a teat.

(loud retching)

(baby cackles)

If any imperfections were found...

the baby was rejected.

- (grunts)

- (baby yells)

And if the baby...

was Vietnamese...

Brangelina had first dibs.

(thunder crashing)

Cute, huh?

(quiet groan)

Behold Leonidas...

Ah-ooh!

... the perfect Spartan.

(chuckles)

(grunts)

From an early age...

Leonidas was taught to fight.

Come on, you little sh*t! Come on!

You can't beat me.

You're never gonna be

a Spartan, never.

Take this, Granny!

(distorted):
Aah!

(grunts, thuds)

He was tortured,

taught to show no pain.

Tell me, Mr. Bond...

what is the account number?

Who the hell is Mr. Bond?

I'm Leonidas.

You're testing my patience,

Double-Oh.

But I am not Double-

Oh!

(crazed laughing)

Oh!

Little Miss Sunshine!

(trembling):

Oh, oh-

- Here's a nice one. Oh-

- (whimpering)

That's right. Yeah.

No, no, no.

(groaning)

Mr. Bond, I'd like you

to meet Captain Adorable.

- (dog growls)

- Good boy.

Good boy.

Who's a good boy?

- (loud crunch)

- (yelling)

Leonidas was sent into the wild...

to learn how to survive.

(shivering)

He braved the elements...

endured starvation.

No mayo?

This is bullshit!

The beast stalks Leonidas...

red eyes glowing

like the fires of hell.

(suspenseful theme building)

(low squawking)

(suspenseful theme continues)

(upbeat dance music playing)

(Leonidas laughs)

Man, you've got happy feet.

(record needle scratches, music stops)

What you laughin' at, asswipe?

I'm about to shove

my happy foot up your ass...

- cracker.

- Nice penguin.

Where you going, p*ssy?

(Leonidas yelling)

(grunting)

I'm 'bout to make you

my b*tch, Leonidas.

Lick my snowballs.

(grunting)

Now eat my penguin a**hole.

(penguin farting repeatedly)

That Taco Bell ain't sittin' right.

Oh, it smells!

- (farts)

- Ha! Caught you with your mouth open.

You dead, Leonidas.

Say "Wassup?"

to Anna Nicole for me.

(grunts)

Sh*t! I'm stuck!

Oh, we got a penguin pinned down!

Help! Help!

(penguin grunting)

(penguin grunts)

Oh! My ass!

My ass hurt! Oh!

Why you wanna do me like that?

Come on, man, I could hook you up.

We could work it out.

I'll suck your dick!

(dramatic choral music playing)

And the boy

that was cast into the wild...

returned a king!

##

(both grunting)

- (techno dance music playing)

- # Oh! #

#Yeah, yeah #

#Ak' sizzle #

- #The bomb #

- # Get down #

# Baby, down,

I know you love the sound #

#When we do what we do #

- #We get you in the mood #

- #Ak' Sent's in the building #

- # Pick it up, pick it up #

- #Yeah #

- # I know you love the feel #

- # Come on #

# Let's keep it on the real #

#This... is like the bomb #

- # So fresh #

- (deeply):
Whoa!

#The bomb, so dope #

#The bomb, so def #

- #The bomb #

- B*obs.

# So cool, the bomb, so fresh #

#The bomb, so dope #

#The bomb #

Sign my rack?

# So cool #

And they're real, too.

Yes! (laughs)

(giggles)

Marry me?

(laughs)

(laughs):
What's that?

The combination to my chastity belt.

(excited shuddering):

Oh-

(cheering, whooping)

PEOPLE:
Leonidas!

(cheering slowly fades)

NARRATOR:
Leonidas was stoked.

He wed Margo,

and she bore him a fine son.

And life in the land

of Sparta was good.

(both grunting)

Yes! Yes! Good!

Thanks, Dad.

(grunting)

(Leonidas pants)

Give me your hand.

Remember, Son:
A warrior...

must learn to take a hit.

(grunts, groans)

Fight with your head:

think with your heart.

Huh?

Give him the pile driver, honey.

Pile driver?

(yelling)

- (loud crunch)

- (yelling stops)

That's my boy.

(distorted, slow-motion yell)

(both grunt)

- My queen.

- (loud slaps)

BOY:
No!

- Captain.

- No!

I see Leonidas is molding

our future king of Sparta...

to be a man.

(chain saw roaring)

I remember when

my father used to beat me.

Traditional rites of passage.

No. My father was an alcoholic.

(paint gun firing,

pellets ricocheting)

Ow!

Aah!

Xerxes' messenger awaits, my king.

(exhales)

(gun fires)

Greetings, Leonidas.

Greetings, messenger.

(loud kiss)

(spitting):
What the hell was that?

What?

You just kissed me!

That is how men of Sparta

greet one another.

High fives for the women...

and open-mouth tongue

kisses for the men.

Ooh.

I get it.

Get what?

Uh... y-you have a...

"free society" here.

Yes. The freest.

Uh, not that there's

anything wrong with that.

(whispers):
I dig big black dudes.

Yeah.

Come, messenger, let us walk.

The great Xerxes has

taken over the world...

with his vast Persian army...

and has set his sights

on his final conquest-

Sparta.

Let us talk

by the giant pit of death.

Okay.

Xerxes is a kind god-king...

and offers these...

peaceful alternatives to war.

No blood will be shed...

as long as you Spartan

men build his pyramids...

your women become his sex slaves...

and your children...

work at sweatshops...

making Nikes.

That sounds reasonable.

CAPTAIN:
I'm sure you would...

think so, Councilman Traitoro.

(woman sings slow,

exotic, ethereal theme)

(wind whistling softly)

##

Tell Xerxes...

(passionate moaning)

...to take his proposal...

and shove it!

What the hell?!

What? He came on to me!

I did not.

Dawg, your wife's a ho.

This means war!

Hey, hey, hey, it's cool, it's cool.

Uh, we got San Francisco...

and West Hollywood.

We don't need Sparta.

(chuckles)

I'll just tell Xerxes

it's a "no go."

(chuckles)

Kick his ass in.

This is madness!

Madness?

This is Sparta!

Why did you do that?

He was backing down.

(yells)

My lord, he will

tell Xerxes that Sparta...

is not for them,

so, whatever you do...

don't kick him

into the pit of death.

Stop kicking people

into the pit of death. Really!

WOMAN:

# Oh, no #

# Oh, yeah #

# Uh-huh, yeah. #

I don't know why y'all...

have to always get on

my back for everything.

I'm a responsible adult.

Look at me-

I'm booby-feeding my baby.

Sometimes I like to

give him fried milk.

I call 'em milk poppers.

It's just like breast milk,

but it's fried.

And you just pop 'em in your mouth.

He loves 'em.

Don't you, baby!

# Goo-goo, gah-gah #

# Gah-gah, gah-gah-gah-gah. #

(raspy panting)

I'm a smart shopper.

I got this entire outfit in

an alleyway from a Mexico woman.

# Bargain #

# Shopping #

#Yeah. #

Why do y'all think I'm messed up?

Sh*t! Do I look crazy to you?

(echoing):
Oh...

my God!

Aw, damn, cuz!

There goes my palimony!

K-Fed ain't havin' it, yo.

K-Fed, come back to me, please!

Please? I'll let you under my skirt.

There goes K-Fed's cheddar, yo.

(screaming)

MAN:

# Oh, yeah! #

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