Meet The Spartans Page #2

#Ah-ah-ah, yeah! #

(singing off-key):

# Ooh-ooh-ooh! #

(screeching):

#Yeah! #

(sobbing)

#Yeah! #

(shrieks)

# I'm not gay! #

(groans)

Leonidas.

Ryan Seacrest?

How did you feel about that kick?

Let's see what the judges

have to say.

- Randy?

- Yo, Leo, dawg, man...

I, I wasn't really feelin' you

on that kick, dawg.

I don't know what happened, man.

It was just

all right for me, dawg.

- I mean, just all right, dawg.

- Paula?

Leonidas...

you...

move me.

(voice breaking):

Y-

I don't-

Simon?

Leonidas...

I thought the kick...

was utterly... dreadful.

Oh... Simon-

In fact, I've seen better kicks...

from a geriatric donkey.

Oh- (sputters)

And I'm not talking

about you, Paula.

I am sorry, King...

but your journey ends here.

Oh, go (bleep) yourselves!

- What are y?

- (judges screaming)

(screams echoing)

(sniveling)

(whimpering)

(echoing):
Seacrest out!

Excellent work, my king.

It's time to consult

with the prophets.

(sighs)

(screams echoing)

NARRATOR:

The ancient prophets were advisers to the king.

Grotesque swine, their consult

came with a bribe.

(excited grunting)

Oh. Oh, Oxy 10.

Oh, Neutrogena.

This has an SPF.

Th-This is all-day protection.

Look at this.

Exfoliator with alpha hydroxy.

This is good for you, Glenn.

Rub it all over

your disgusting face.

What need you, King Leonidas?

Ancient prophets...

I need your guidance.

I'm assembling an army

of 300 to go to war with Persia.

I'm going to take them in the rear.

Here, here.

(snickers)

And then I'm gonna reach around...

(chuckles)

...and I'm gonna take them again

from the front!

(snickering)

What?!

Why are you sniggering?!

Nothing.

It's- no-nothing-

- (clears throat)

- (snickering continues)

What's so damn funny?!

Look, it's all there for you to see!

These are battle formations!

(chuckling):
Battle form-

That's what he calls them!

It looks like backstage

at an Elton John concert!

Cut it out!

This isn't funny!

This is serious business!

(moans)

No Spartan goes to war...

without first consulting...

the oracle!

(ethereal, ominous music plays)

NARRATOR:

The prophets chose only the most beautiful...

of Spartan girls to be their oracle.

Oh-

Ugly Betty?

She has a great personality.

##

Eww!

I look like Jabba the Hutt.

That is hot to me.

(sneezing)

(exotic techno melody playing)

(slurping)

Oh-

(whispering):
See-nah skah-nah...

labwana no-cho dame.

"Fo' shizel my nizzel."

(indistinct whispering)

"Save the cheerleader...

save the world."

Actually, I'm, I'm not into Heroes.

"Douche bag says what?"

What?

(snickering)

(prophets snickering)

(whispering indistinctly)

"Chest waxer says what?"

- What?

- (snickering)

(chortling)

(chuckling):

He walked into that one.

What, what are you saying to me?

I don't understand.

Go to war with Persia

and you will surely die.

You're screwed, dude.

(exotic, ethereal theme plays)

(women laughing)

What?!

(laughter continuing)

He looks like a Ken doll!

(laughter continues)

It's cold!

Tommy Lee?

Shaq?

Borat?

(whispering):
Oakland Raiders?

Why is my king so restless?

Can't sleep.

It's this whole Battle

of Thermopylae thing.

Are you still thinking about

what that young oracle said?

(sighs)

There's only one woman whose

words you should listen to.

Oprah.

Your wife?

Right, right.

How will I be tried...

in the court of public opinion?

Well, Harry Knowles

at "Ain't It Cool News"...

says this movie is just

a cheap rip-off of 300.

(woman laughing)

- (grunts)

- (other women gasp)

Even if the oracle

doesn't support you, I do.

And Sparta does.

This could be

our last night together.

You wanna do it?

Like we've never done it before.

(exhales)

(passionate, breathy moaning)

(sighs)

...97... 98...

...99...

(grunting):
100!

Beat my record.

- (grunts)

- (shrieks)

Captain.

My king.

Have you assembled

my army who are ready...

to fight to the death

for the freedom of Sparta?

Yes, King.

I wanted 300.

This seems like... less.

These were the only men

who met with your stringent...

specifications.

"Hunky with deep

Mediterranean tans...

"hot bods..."

and, uh...

Yes?

"...well endowed."

SPARTANS:
Haawoo! Haawoo!

Haawoo!

Ready to fight for you, my king!

Never give up!

Never surrender!

To infinity and beyond!

CAPTAIN:

He has a lot of heart, my king.

And nice man b*obs.

Indeed.

These men will do.

You are a fine captain, Captain.

But a better friend...

there is none.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Mm-hm.

Damn!

He's got a huge package.

I brought you some fudge.

Mom said that you like to pack it.

She's a good woman.

Good-bye, Father.

(sighs):
Farewell, my son.

(Leonidas clears throat)

Introductions?

King Leonidas,

this is my son, Sonio.

My king.

Why is he not fighting?

Well, he is not a warrior.

And he's my only son...

destined to carry on my name.

What do you think?

Yummy.

Work it, sister.

I think he's fierce.

(rap beat plays)

# Come and give it 2 me #

#You know you want my body,

need my body #

# Show me them goodies... #

And if you don't like it...

you can kiss my fat ass!

(smacks)

Ooh!

Oh!

#... Watchin' your curves #

#Thinking of words, baby #

# My vision is blurred... #

Congratulations, Sonio.

You're now on your way

to becoming Sparta's...

(whispering):
next top warrior!

#... right where my mind is #

# Gimme your goody

and your body #

# Uh! Come and give it 2 me #

#You know you want my body,

need my body #

# Show me them goodies #

#You're gonna love my body,

touch my body... #

QUEEN MARGO:
Spartan!

(sighs):
My child...

I shall never forget you.

You are so small now...

but one day you will grow

to be big and strong...

like your father.

That's not your son.

You a**hole.

Take care of your mother.

Stay tough, Son.

Come back with your shield...

or on it.

And if I come back on it,

I want you to move on.

I would never.

Hell, if you died,

I'd play the field.

To be honest...

I've always wanted

to do a fat chick.

(gentle theme plays)

##

The men are ready, my king.

Good. We'll head south

to the Hot Gates...

where we'll intercept

the Persian army.

Where are you going?

The oracle said if we went

to war, we'd be screwed.

The oracle also said that

our painted-on abs look fake.

But I beg to differ.

(spray nozzle hissing)

(giggling)

Give the order, Captain.

- (keypad beeping)

- Spartans! In formation!

OTHERS:
Ah-ooh!

(whispering) Spartans heading south.

Move out!

(lively disco beat plays)

SPARTANS:

# Oh, no, not I #

# I will survive #

# Oh, as long

as I know how to love #

# I know I'll stay alive #

# I've got all my life to live #

# I've got all

my love to give #

#And I'll survive #

# I will survive #

# Hey, hey #

Woo!

(melody continues)

WOMAN:

# I'll survive #

# I will survive #

# I will survive! #

#Yeah #

# Ooh... #

NARRATOR:
The fearless Spartans...

reached the Hot Gates...

where danger lurked

around every corner.

(ominous theme plays)

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