Meet The Spartans Page #3

Halt skipping!

(exhausted groans)

Exhausted from thejourney...

the Spartans replenished

their electrolytes.

(exciting, dramatic music playing)

Gatorade. Is it in you?

(music finishes with a flourish)

(chomping, grunting)

What do you think, my king?

We'll use the narrow

passageway of the Hot Gates...

to funnel the Persians in...

where their vast numbers

won't count for sh*t.

Captain, have the men found

any other trails...

that the Persians

could use to attack us?

None, sir.

WOMAN (in low, distorted voice):

I know such a road, my king.

Back off, hideous creature.

There's a secret goat path

just above the Hot Gates.

If the Persians found it,

they could outflank you.

Slow your roll, Captain.

Reveal yourself, creature.

Paris Hilton?

Hey, fellas.

What happened to you?

(chuckles):
Oh.

You mean the hump?

Yeah. The hump.

It was all that,

"You're going to jail.

"Now you can get out of jail.

Now you're going back to jail."

And on and on and on and on- Ugh.

It's just been really confusing.

I mean, even Tinkerbell's

affected by it.

She hasn't moved since Saturday.

But she still poops, which is weird.

(sighs):
And me...

they've turned me into this, like...

totally grotesque monster!

(crying):
And I don't

even know... oh.

(hip-hop ringtone plays):

# Do tha hump-de-hump... #

Hang on a minute.

Oh- (groans)

Hello?

Oh, hey, Nicole.

Nothing. Just some guys with swords.

No, I'm talking about their

actual swords, Nicole.

You're gross.

Yeah, I'm hungry.

Did you eat?

Oh, you ate an almond?

Oh, yeah, you're done

eating for the day.

Okay. And then let's go to Pinkberry.

Bye, sexy.

(kiss)

(laughs)

Look...

it's my dream to be a Spartan.

I want to fight for you,

my king.

- What can you do?

- Well- Mmm.

Have you seen my video?

I don't like the way

you handle a spear.

You grip the shaft firmly.

Then with one hand on the base...

you slide the other

all the way up to the tip.

That's hot.

I'm sorry,

but we cannot use you.

(groans, pants)

No!

It's not fair!

Mom!

You'll be sorry!

You're making a terrible mistake!

(yells)

I'm not as stupid as I look!

(clang)

(groaning)

Help.

- Look! Persians!

- (indistinct chatter)

(footsteps thudding)

(ominous theme playing)

##

##

I am the emissary

to the great god-king Xerxes...

come to accept your surrender.

Oh, we're not here to surrender.

ALL:
Haawoo!

(laughs)

Xerxes will enjoy making you

his slaves.

(yelling)

(yelling continues)

(grunts)

(groans)

(shrieks)

- (whispers):
Ow.

- (whimpers)

(exhales)

Spartans!

ALL:
Yah!

Let's battle!

(exhales)

Oh, we about to stomp the yard.

SPARTANS (chanting):

We are the Spartans.

We stomp the yard.

Check out our buns.

They are rock hard.

(snooty chuckling)

Ooh, ooh.

Spartans!

Yeah!

(Spartans cheering)

Persians!

Let's show 'em

why we're national champs...

three years runnin'.

You dig?

(muttering)

- (derisive moans)

- Oh, come on.

(chanting):
We like wearing

turbans and eating baklava.

We like chicks with burkas...

that cover their ta-tas.

Ooh, ah! Ooh, ah!

Persians, huh!

- (derisive muttering)

- You're joking, right?

(horrified cries)

Man, come on.

("Tambourine" by Eve playing)

- #You gotta shake your ass #

- Let's go!

# Shake your tambourine #

# Go and get yourself a whistle,

shake your tambourine #

# Go and get yourself

a whistle #

# Shake your tambourine... #

# Ladies! #

# Shake your tambourine... #

- # Ladies! #

- # Shake your tambourine... #

# Shake, shake, shake, shake #

# Shake, shake, shake, shake #

# Shake, shake, shake, shake #

# Shake your tambourine... #

# Ladies and gentlemen #

# E-V-E come through

in the Mazarat' #

# Doin' it big like I live

in the Taj Mahal... #

ALL:
Yeah!

(shouting, taunting)

#That's real, been the chick

that they talked about #

# "God damn" is the words

that come out they mouth... #

Oh-

#Ask for her #

#Yeah, she back

and cakin' out #

- # Ladies! #

- # Shake your tambourine... #

##

Oh, please, take a hike.

# Shake your tambourine,

go and get yourself a whistle #

# Shake your tambourine, go

and get yourself a whistle #

#They be watchin' while we wiggle around

Look at 'em droolin' #

# Niggas ain't used to this sound

I keep 'em movin' #

# Put your hands in the air

It's all right now #

#We gonna keep you up

on your feet the whole night #

# Now pop them bottles

Yeah, drink that up #

(rhythmic grunting)

Yeah!

(grunting)

(crowd cheering)

(cheering, whistling)

##

(crowd booing)

(cheering)

(crowd jeers)

(cheering, whistling)

(grunts)

# Get low, get low, then

pick up, pick up, get your #

# Hands in the air,

it's a stick up, stick up #

# Shake your tambourine... #

(crowd jeering loudly)

(all grunt in unison)

# Shake it to the floor,

gotta love dat #

# How she keep it going on,

gotta love dat #

#To the beat like a pro,

know you love dat #

- (thud, grunt)

- CROWD:
Oh!

(groaning)

##

(groaning)

- (music pauses)

- Don't come up in my kitchen...

with that weak-ass sh*t.

#You gotta shake your ass #

# Shake your tambourine, go

and get yourself a whistle and #

# Shake your tambourine, go and

get yourself a whistle and #

# Shake your tambourine, go

and get yourself a whistle and #

# Shake your tambourine... #

(screeching, squeaking)

# Shake your tambourine, go

and get yourself a whistle and #

- (loud crack)

- (groaning) Eee! Ooh!

(grunts)

(crack)

(exhales)

You got served!

(cheers, shouts, whooping)

(lively swing music plays)

(cheering, whooping)

- (cheers, whistles)

- (triumphant grunt)

(crowd cheering, whistling)

You telling me we lost?

Dance them to the cliffs!

LEONIDAS:
No mercy!

Come on, man,

can we talk about this?

Yo, I just met

these dudes right here.

I don't even know them.

CAPTAIN:
Onward! Keep dancing, boys!

(fierce yell)

(echoing scream)

(shrieking)

(ominous, dramatic theme plays)

- Last one in is a rotten egg!

- Cannonball!

Marco!

(splash)

(echoing):
Polo!

(splash)

ALL:
Hyah!

(scattered laughter)

We may have won the battle,

but they will win the war!

ALL:
Hyah! What?

##

MALE ANNOUNCER:

Buttmeister presents...

"Real Men of Genius."

MALE SINGER:

# Real men of genius! #

Today we salute you...

Mr. Warmongering Latent Homosexual.

# Mr. Warmongering

Latent Homosexual! #

Wearing nothing but

leather underwear and a cape...

you charge your enemy like

an oiled-up hairless wonder.

# Spray-on tan! #

Sure, there's danger-

charging rhinos,

stampeding elephants...

and that cute toga-wearing guy

named Chad.

# Ooh! #

You only went out on one date...

but you'll remember it...

(echoing):
forever, forever...

#Take your daily Valtrex! #

Your keen instincts tell you

to cut, slice and chop...

every man you see.

But enough about your career

as a hair stylist...

let's talk war.

# Ow! That curling

iron is hot! #

So this Butt's for you,

King Leonidas...

because when the going gets tough...

the tough go antiquing.

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