Meet The Spartans Page #4

# Mr. Warmongering

Latent Homosexual... #

#Yeah. #

Queen Margo...

we must speak.

(exhales)

Loyalist, what do you want?

Nice tomatoes.

Your husband needs you.

(sighs)

You must convince the council...

to send more troops

to support your husband.

My husband is dead.

He told me to move on.

Besides, I'm already

registered on J Date.

A little to the right.

- (soft crunching)

- That's it.

If Leonidas fails,

Xerxes will take over...

and you will be stripped

of your crown.

I won't be queen?

- (masseuse grunts)

- Ow! That's too hard.

You will lose everything.

Ow! Ooh, stop.

Your palace, your Mercedes...

Hi-yah!

- Ow!

...your Nintendo Wii...

- (grunts)

- No, no, no, no, no.

- (grunts)

- Ow!

...your vaginal regeneration surgeon...

Hi... yah!

...your gardener.

(gasps)

Antonio?

(leaf blower whirring)

(lively Latin disco music playing)

(passionate sigh)

(music continues)

(kisses, blows)

My husband needs me.

I'll do whatever it takes.

I will set...

the meeting with the council.

But in order to win their vote...

you will need to get

Traitoro's support.

He holds great influence...

with the council.

(masseuse yells)

QUEEN MARGO:

There better be a happy ending.

(indistinct chatter)

King Leonidas!

Xerxes approaches.

NARRATOR:
Xerxes.

He looked a lot like

that fat guy from Borat.

(exotic theme plays)

I am the great god-king Xerxes.

- (loud rip)

- Ooh!

ALL:
Ooh!

(groans, hisses in pain)

Ow, ow, ow!

Not again!

That always happens.

- (stapler clacks)

- OTHERS:
Ow!

(groans)

(stapler clatters)

Whew!

(exhales sharply)

- (cracking)

- (men groaning)

(yells, thuds)

ALL:
Damn!

- Oh, s-sorry, Xerxes.

- It's cool.

It's cool, cool. I'm fine.

I meant to do that.

(chuckles)

- (gunshot)

- (grunts)

ALL:
Oh, sh*t!

I'll tell you, kid, you got balls.

I come over here with a big army.

We going to shish kebab your ass.

Before this battle is over...

people will know...

that even a god-king can fall.

Listen, Leo, I came here to talk.

Just listen to my deal.

Ladies!

WOMEN:
Hi, Xerxes.

(laughter)

- (phone ringing)

- Ah, that's probably for me.

Hello?

Really?

Okay.

That was the banker.

He's offering...

to buy back your briefcase...

for a weekend getaway for two...

in Las Vegas, Nevada...

at the Palms Hotel and Casino!

WOMEN:
Ooh...

I've always wanted to go there!

All you have to do

is bow down to me...

...and surrender Sparta.

Deal...

or no deal?

(Spartans shouting advice)

- Deal!

- Deal!

- Take it!

Take the deal!

You think I should? No!

- Take the deal!

- It's simple.

- Take the deal!

- Come on!

What about Sparta?

- Hit the button!

- Come on!

WOMEN:
Take the deal! Take it!

- Take it!

- Take the deal!

Hit the button!

(shouting continues)

Take it!

No deal!

- (groans, angry grunts)

- Oh, great!

By the time I'm finished with you...

Sparta will be annihilated.

It will be as though

you never existed.

I will see to it that you are...

written out of the history books.

Well, that's fine by me, Xerxes...

because I can't read.

(slow, ominous theme plays)

NARRATOR:

Xerxes didn't take rejection well.

From every corner of his empire...

he sent his most

vicious warriors to fight.

Yo mama's so ghetto,

when she breast-feeds...

Kool-Aid comes out!

(derisive shouts, laughter)

Yo mama's so stupid,

she thought Tupac Shakur...

was a Jewish holiday!

(derisive shouts, laughter)

(clucking like a chicken)

Get her, Dilio!

Yo mama's so fat, her

pants size is, um, um, um...

"B*tch, lose some weight"!

(laughter, shouts)

Your mama's so butch...

Rosie O'Donnell

wouldn't even date her.

Uh-uh! No, you didn't!

No, you didn't!

- Whoa!

- No, you didn't!

Well, yo mama titties

is smaller than yours.

(others hooting)

Bounce some D's on that b*tch!

Your mama's so fat,

Sir Mix-A-lot decided...

he doesn't like big butts!

And he ain't lyin'!

Kiss that!

Oh! Ow!

Oh, my eyes!

Oh! Oh!

LEONIDAS:
Walk it off.

- How you like that, huh?

- Sit down.

Yo, yo mama's so fat,

that when she farts...

Al Gore accuses her

of global warming, dawg.

Whew!

Cranking it up!

Yes, well, that may be the case,

but your mama's so hairy...

the only language she speaks...

is Wookiee!

- (roars like a Wookiee)

- (laughter) Oh!

(roaring like a Wookiee)

That's it!

- Well, yo mama-

- (imitates Wookiee roar)

Yo ma-

- (roaring like a Wookiee)

- (Spartans laughing, talking)

Yes!

- (Spartans hooting)

- CAPTAIN:
Bye-bye!

Back to the hood!

Xerxes watched

as his warriors were defeated.

It sent an all-too-human chill

up his spine.

Or perhaps that was

the Dentyne Ice...

with cool mint crystals.

(crackling)

Loyalist said you wanted to see me.

That's my urine sample.

Tastes like asparagus.

Leonidas needs more troops.

Without reinforcements,

Sparta will fall and-

(horn playing quiet mock gibberish)

(horn continues playing mock gibberish)

I'll do anything...

(softly):
for my husband.

Anything?

(exhales seductively)

- (boinging)

- Awesome!

I'm so getting laid!

Good-bye, virginity.

I promise you,

you're not going to enjoy this.

But I suffer from premature eja-

Oh-

Mmm.

It's okay:
I have crabs.

(playing melody)

(both giggle)

WOMAN:

Ooh- (laughs)

(percussive music continues)

(woman's echoing laughter)

XERXES:

Betray your beloved Spartans-

Nice.

and I will give you

anything you desire.

That's hot.

Bow down to me.

(barking)

Bow down to the great god-king...

Xerxes.

I'm a Hilton.

I don't bow.

(exasperated groan)

But I do bend over.

Ah, good.

There's a secret goat path

into the Hot Gates.

You could totally use it

to defeat Leonidas.

Ah- (laughs)

And what do you desire?

I want my record expunged.

Oh, and I want

that new Chanel purse.

Thank you.

I want throwing up to be fun.

You got something to say,

say it- I got things to do.

(quietly):
What was it?

I can't remem-

Oh, God, geez, yeah.

(groans)

I want to get this hump removed.

(chuckles)

Mmm!

Will you please just do it?

It's really heavy and really hard to keep clean.

Done.

- (loud pop)

- Aah!

(slurping)

(exhales)

As long as Xerxes doesn't find...

the secret path to the Hot Gates...

...their vast numbers

won't count for sh*t.

(panting)

My king!

Catch your breath.

Vanilla blended.

What is it, boy?

Xerxes has found

the secret goat path...

through the Hot Gates.

Aw, sh*t!

Damn that Paris Hilton.

(panting):
I hate her.

He's deployed thousands

of Persian soldiers...

that'll be here any minute.

(panting)

(slurps)

Dilio...

how bad are your injuries?

Oh, it's, uh- it's

just a scratch, my king.

(dramatic, eerie theme plays)

You've got no eyes.

The gods blessed me with a spare.

No, they haven't.

You just had the two.

Jeremy has the spare.

I can still fight!

(grunting)

Whoa! No!

- Dilio! Dilio!

- (shouting angrily)

- Di- Dilio! Dilio! Dilio.

- (shouting)

Walk with me.

No. No. No.

Your fate is the most important.

You must go back to Sparta...

and tell of our tale.

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