Meet The Spartans Page #5

Yes, my king.

Any message for the queen?

(wistful, gentle theme plays)

None that need be said.

Now go, Dilio.

Tell how 13 Spartans

fought for honor...

for glory...

for freedom!

(grunts)

Good luck, Dilio.

(blades scraping)

(low growling)

(steam hissing)

(growling)

Spartans!

XERXES:
This is your final chance.

Bow down to me or you will die.

I bow for no man!

Take a knee.

No!

- Curtsey.

- Enough!

Well, your sandal is untied.

Oh... thanks very much.

See?

Was that that difficult?

- No, wait, no!

- Ah-tah-tah-tah-tah-

- No, I wasn't bowing.

- No, no, no.

I was just doing my shoe!

No, you acknowledged me

as your god-king.

High-five!

- (laughter)

- Ooh.

What?

(mocking, girlish laughter)

What-What-What the hell is so funny?

- You!

- Me?

You greet like women.

You idiots are

wearing banana hammocks...

and you're laughing at me?

Now you're pissing me off.

I'm getting everybody.

- (phone beeps)

- Hello. Where you at?

I know where I'm at.

Bring in my vast army.

You 13...

putz are no match...

for my massive Persian army.

They number in the millions!

That's just a blue screen.

Stupid.

It's a visual effect.

It's going to be digitally

inserted later.

And the army is quite

impressive, as you can imagine.

- (electronic whir)

- (warriors grunt at once)

(gasping)

Gentlemen, may I present...

Queen Margo.

(dance beat plays)

(indistinct chatter)

- (laughter)

- (whistling)

(men whooping)

(rhythmic vocals join beat)

(whooping, indistinct chatter)

Come on, baby.

I'm gettin' a chubby.

Boner alert. Boner alert.

Okay, boys, make it rain!

# Do the D-A-N-C-E,

# Stick to the B-E-A-T,

get ready to ignite #

#You were such a P-Y-T,

catching all the light #

#Just easy as A-B-C, that's how

you make it right... #

(music fades out)

(whooping and chatter fades)

Good councilmen...

I implore you.

Your king, my dear

husband, needs your help.

Sparta will fall...

if you don't agree

to send the rest of our army.

(Traitoro clapping slowly)

(clapping rhythmically)

Gentlemen, our only

hope for survival...

is to surrender to Xerxes

and beg for his forgiveness.

Do not be swayed by the words

of this common prick-tease...

with crabs all up in her coochie.

- MEN:
Ooh-

- (scoffs)

Oh, no, you didn't.

Yes. Yes, I did.

(huffing, grunting)

(yells)

NARRATOR:
Queen Margo unleashed

a venomous rage...

(squirming)

... much like Tobey Maguire

in Spider-Man 3.

- (grunting)

- (men gasping)

(laughing)

I'm evil.

Made of sand.

(grunts)

(coughing)

Ohh!

(growls)

(yells)

Oh, no.

- Ooh!

- (groaning, gasping)

(meows)

Oh... cute.

- (meows, farts)

- Gross.

(whooshing)

(laughs)

- What is it?

- (councilmen laughing)

Oh! Oh!

Oh, God!

Oh! Oh, my God.

(laughing)

How you like me now, Sandman?

Oh, no.

(vacuum whirring)

Dust-busting b*tch! No!

(groaning, yelling)

(yells):
No!

(grunting)

- Ah-

- (councilmen murmuring)

- (phone beeps)

- (gasps)

Well, tickle my nipples

with a feather.

Xerxes is in Traitoro's top five.

ALL:

Grumble, grumble, grumble-

Traitoro was a... traitor?

- (gasps)

- Duh!

All in favor...

of sending more troops...

say aye.

ALL:
Aye! Aye! Aye!

Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye-

(bowstrings creaking)

Spartans!

(all grunt)

(swords scraping, clanging)

We have you surrounded.

Lay down your weapons!

Come and get them!

Formation!

(grunting)

Um-

A Spartan always protects

another man's rear.

(grunts)

Adjust your sword, boy.

It's digging into my back.

But I'm not wearing my sword.

Carry on then.

CAPTAIN:
My son.

Today...

you are truly a Spartan.

Thanks, Father.

Attack!

(shouting, yelling)

Steady, Spartans!

(yelling)

(chuckles)

Remember this day, boys!

For today is the day you die!

- Huh?

- What? Huh?

What?

I- I mean they die.

Today's the day they die-

that's what I meant to say.

(shouting, whooping)

Go!

(yelling)

(crashing rumble)

Oh, what a bunch of dumb shits.

(groaning, grunting)

God, that smarts.

I am gonna go Hercules on your ass!

(groaning)

(yelling)

(blade ringing)

(yelling)

(grunting)

(water sloshing)

(sloshing)

- (towel snaps)

- (grunts)

(screaming)

(yelping)

(screaming)

(yelling)

(engine rumbles, tires squeal)

Ghost Rider!

(chain rattling)

You're going to hell.

(laughs)

(yells)

(groaning)

(laughs)

Stop, drop and roll!

- (laughter)

- Stop, drop and roll!

(grunting)

(chains rattling)

Yo!

(yells)

(footfalls rumbling)

(growls)

No!

Yo, Sonio.

I'm gonna knock your block off.

- Oh, sh*t.

- (grunts)

Sonio!

(yells)

You'll pay for this, Balboa.

Go for it.

(grunting)

Adult diapers?

(grunts, groans)

(yells)

(squishing)

(voice slowing down):

Botox... overdose.

(rumbling)

Yes!

(laughing):
Yeah!

(grunts, yells)

Yeah!

- (grunts)

- (gasps)

(groans)

Yes!

Xerxes!

(coughing)

It's a- a beautiful death.

It's actually not that attractive.

(yelling)

(hard rock music playing)

(car horn honking "La Cucaracha")

(changes stations)

# I'm a Barbie girl #

# In the Barbie world #

# Life in plastic,

it's fantastic #

(sings along):

# Come on, Barbie, let's go party! #

#Ah-ah-ah-yeah #

# Come on, Barbie,

let's go party #

(music changes back to hard rock)

Ooh!

(clanging)

Sh*t!

Enough of this gratuitous

video game violence!

(intense, dramatic theme playing)

(grunts)

(panting)

- (Leonidas yells)

- (Xerxes whimpers)

Waah!

(spits)

Ah-

- Aha!

- (electrical crackling)

A Transformer cube!

(laughing)

(laughing)

(men grunting)

Okay, baby, let's transform.

(electrical zapping)

(laughing)

(Xerxes cackling)

(mechanical whirring)

(cackling)

(electrical zapping)

(beeping)

(beep)

(mechanical whirring)

(hollow echo):
I... am Xerxestron...

equipped with advanced

alien technology.

(beep)

(sobbing)

Leave Britney alone!

He is a god-king.

(sobbing):

Please-

(footfalls thundering)

(all gasp)

(cord creaking)

- Leave her alone!

- (Xerxes gasping)

- She's a human!

- (grunts)

Oh, oh, ain't that a b*tch.

(all yelling)

(echoing thud)

NARRATOR:

Leonidas was true to his word.

A god-king did fall.

But unfortunately, right on them.

(gentle, ethereal theme playing)

##

I-I- I just-

(laughs):

Oh-

Ooh.

Queen Margo.

- Yeah.

- Oh.

(ominous, ethereal theme plays)

(woman singing plaintive melody)

##

Leonidas and the Spartans...

died for honor...

for glory.

They died a beautiful death.

Today... we stand against

But we now have 100,000 soldiers!

Ah-ooh! Ah-ooh! Ah-ooh!

(muttering)

To victory!

Ah.

Follow me, boys.

I don't know.

And thus,

Dilio blindly led the Spartans...

- (low murmuring)

- away from the Persians...

- (yelling)

- to Malibu...

just as Lindsay Lohan

was leaving rehab... again.

(yelling)

(screams)

(piano plays arpeggio)

#At first I was afraid #

# I was petrified #

# Kept thinking I could never

live without you by my side #

# But then I spent

so many nights #

#Thinking how

you did me wrong #

#And I grew strong #

#And I learned

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