Melinda and Melinda Page #6

- Dentist.

Dentist. What were you thinking?

- l love it at this time of year. lt's so beautiful.

- lt's nice when it's so bright, huh?

You know, it's really sexy, isn't it?

- You look a little carsick.

- Why? Cos l'm the colour of guacamole?

This is going well.

Look how happy she looks.

l wish we could afford a pad in the Hamptons.

Everybody who's anybody has one.

But if you're somebody who's nobody, it's no

fun to be around anybody who's everybody.

lsn't he charming?

And don't tell me he's not gorgeous.

lf you like perfect features.

Don't be such a crab.

l'm gonna try to come out here more often.

- Wow, it's so big.

- Thank you.

lt's so clean, too.

lt's a great place to entertain, which l love.

- God, Hobie, isn't it amazing?

- Yeah, l love the ramp.

lt's wheelchair accessible.

That's important out here.

- Go ahead, guys. Go in.

- Thanks.

lt's tremendous for aerobics.

Come on, try it, Hobie.

What do you do for exercise?

Tiddlywinks.

And an occasional anxiety attack.

- Try it, Hobie. lt's good manners.

- Since when do l have good manners?

- What is that? ls it a pig?

- l don't know.

Hey, Greg, did you shoot this?

Well, actually, l shot all of those.

Twice a year l go to Africa.

The experience would take your breath away.

Huge herds of kudu -

greater kudu and lesser kudu.

- Which is bigger? The greater or the lesser?

- Hobie!

l think it would be the sexiest thing to sleep

under the stars in the middle of the jungle...

lf you don't mind waking up

with a python in your sleeping bag.

No, no. The whole thing is very civilised.

They have beds and bathrooms and showers.

But no elevators. ln case you're being chased

by a tiger and you have to get up into a tree.

- l'd have to take the elevator.

- l don't understand.

- Me neither.

- Did you shoot all the furniture?

- So, Melinda, have you ever shot a gun?

- How quickly was it shot? Freshly shot?

- Right here?

- That's fine. This was fun. Thank you.

- Are you sure you'll be all right?

- l'm fine.

- Do you wanna come up for a drink?

- A drink! Yeah, we could do that.

- We can't. You have to get up early.

- Why? l'm out of work.

Hey, do you have any tequila?

l make the world's most potent margarita.

- They're very strong.

- l sure do.

- Are you all right?

- Here, can l help you?

- Very good. You know this car so well.

- He's like an old man.

- Thank you.

- l'm fine.

lt's like we're dancing.

- Tequila's on the surgeon general's list.

- Just be quiet.

Why'd he stop twice to get the car washed?

God, he's incredible, isn't he?

lt'd be great for Melinda if things worked out.

l wouldn't let that guy fill my teeth.

l mean, anyone who gets his jollies

putting holes in animals...

The Ernest Hemingway of the root canal set.

He's probably got her in bed by now.

l didn't think she could stand him.

Not every woman falls

for that phoney social rap,

you know, with the Haut-Brion and

special cheeses and backgammon trophy.

Someone must blow him up with an air hose.

You know what? Can we just not discuss it?

And, frankly, l thought you acted like a clown.

Now, can l talk to you for a minute?

And try not to get upset.

What? You wanna spend more time in

the Hamptons whether l go with you or not?

l told you Steve Walsh

is gonna co-produce my film.

Yes, that's fantastic. l figured out

a great way to play the psychiatrist.

lt's fresh. With a limp. l do a great limp,

and that will account

for his crushing insecurity.

That way, when l make a pass at Rosalie,

l expect the rejection.

You won't be able to play the shrink.

- Why not?

- Steve wants a name.

- l have a name on my driver's licence.

- He won't go with an unknown.

- You're the director. You say what goes.

- Without him, there's no film.

But l'm the perfect psychiatrist. You said it.

l think l can find something else

for you in the script.

- Like what?

- What about Moe Flanders?

You'd be a natural.

You're more Flanders than you are the shrink.

Flanders? The retarded elevator operator

with the cleft palate?

- ls that how you see me?

- When have l said you had a cleft palate?

- Help!

- My God. That's Melinda.

He's raping her.

Probably put Novocaine in her margarita.

- Help! Help!

- What is it? What's wrong? What's wrong?

l got a tick! There's a tick in my leg.

- Where's Greg?

- He's a dentist. He doesn't do tick extractions.

His beeper went off.

He had some kind of emergency.

Someone saw a rhino on Sixth Avenue

and they needed a hunter.

- Get it out! Quick! Please! Please!

- l don't know how. ln the Bronx we had mice.

You need a doctor. You can't pull it out cos

the body comes out and the head stays in.

- l feel terrible. l think l'm gonna faint.

- Take her to the emergency room.

- There's a tick inside me sucking my blood!

- lt's not sucking your blood.

Those are leeches.

But this is disgusting enough.

l'm so sorry. lt was so nice of you

to come and hang with me.

That's OK.

Actually, l love watching a live creature being

pulled out of somebody's body at 3.30am.

- lf that happens again, please call me.

- lt was really nice of you - this whole day.

lt's obvious

you don't care much for the beach.

lt's not the beach so much as the ocean, the

sand and the seagulls and things like that.

Well, go.

You've had a long day. Rest.

Call me. l'm over here if you need me. OK?

But try not to panic.

The screaming frightened me.

And you would be totally cool if you had a

live insect crawling around under your skin?

l wouldn't enjoy it, but l wouldn't panic.

That's good because

there's one in the back of your neck.

- My neck?

- Your neck.

- My neck?

- Yes. Right here. lt's OK.

- Get it off! Get it off me!

- Relax. OK.

This is exciting.

l've never been to the races before.

Here's a horse called Broadway Melody.

l think that's a lucky name.

Well, it's not very sensible to pick horses

by their names, but l guess it's romantic.

That was so beautiful.

There is no more sublime music

than that second movement.

Laurel cannot listen without crying.

Her eyes are all red.

l'm with her. When Raphael first laid eyes

upon the Sistine Chapel he passed out.

- Aren't you gonna find us a taxi?

- Yeah, let's go.

She's head over heels in love with him.

He's gifted, sensitive.

He is unfazed by the details of her past.

He is, in fact, moved by her suffering.

Even the awful story she's been

reluctant to tell but feels that she must.

l killed him.

But it was an accident.

No.

ln my defence, l will say

l was out of my mind on drugs.

l shouldn't say drugs. Pills.

Pills to help me sleep at night,

pills to keep me awake,

whatever l could get my hands on to sweep

my various pains and anxieties under the rug.

But if l'm honest about it, l did mean to do it.

No.

l denied it in the trial, of course.

But the fact is, l...

l couldn't think of what else to do.

l thought about killing myself.

Why l didn't, l can't say.

lt would have been much more rational.

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