Men in Black II

Mysteries in History,

with your host, Peter Graves.

Although no one has ever been able

to prove their existence...

... a quasi-government agency,

the Men in Black...

... supposedly carries out operations

here on Earth...

... in order to k eep us safe from aliens

throughout the galaxies.

Here is one of their stories

that "never happened"...

... from one of their files

that doesn't exist.

flee their planet...

... in order to escape the clutches

of the evil Kylothian, Serleena.

Arriving on Earth, the Zarthans bring

with them their greatest treasure...

The Light of Zartha,

a cosmic force so powerful...

... that in the wrong hands it could

lead to the annihilation of Zartha.

The Zarthans' princess, Lauranna,

beseeched the Men in Black...

... to hide the Light from Serleena.

But they had no choice.

Intervention would have meant

the destruction of the Earth.

However, in an act of galactic bravery,

the Men in Black subdued Serleena...

... allowing the Zarthans to escape...

... so they might hide the Light

on another planet.

Serleena, released from her captors,

v owed that the Light would be hers...

... and that she would destroy

any planet that stood in her way.

And so, never knowing what happened...

... the people of Earth were saved

by a secret society of protectors...

... known as the Men in Black.

Harvey!

Harvey, get over here!

Harvey. Heel, heel!

You're barking at the moon, moron.

Harvey. Harvey!

Hey, pretty lady.

You taste good.

Hey, what the...?

Yeah, you too.

Nothing fancy, no heroics.

By the book.

Got it. Hey!

Hey, Jeff. What's happening, buddy?

- We were wondering why you're here.

- The man's talking to you.

You know our arrangements.

Stay in the E, F and R subway lines...

...and you get all the garbage

you want.

What the hell are you doing here,

worm boy?

Tee.

Jeff...

Excuse my partner.

He's new and he's...

...kind of stupid.

...kind of stupid.

You getting big, Jeff.

Boy, what you been eating?

You like jokes, huh?

Jeffrey!

All right.

Sweet dreams, big boy.

Sweet dreams...

...big boy.

Transit authority.

Move to the forward car.

We got a bug in the electrical system.

People! We got a bug

in the electrical system!

Now y'all running?

No, no, no! Sit down!

It's only a 600-foot worm.

- Everybody out.

- Put the hammer down on this thing.

I'm Captain Larry Bridgewater.

I decide what happens.

You decide?

Okay, come here. Come here.

Larry? That's my man, Jeff.

- Larry just made a decision.

- Larry need to take his ass in there.

Don't make me do this, Jeff!

Eighty-first Street.

Just a second.

May I have your attention, please?

We thank you

for participating in our drill.

Had this been an emergency,

you'd have been eaten.

Because you don't listen.

You're ignorant.

How a man gonna bash through...?

That's the problem with New Yorkers.

"We've seen it all. A 600-foot worm!

Save us, Mr. Black Man!"

I ask you nice, " Move to the next car."

You just sit there like...

Thank you for participating.

Hopefully, you enjoyed our smaller,

energy-efficient subway cars.

Watch your step.

You will have a nice evening.

I need a cleanup crew

at 81 st and Central Park West.

Revoke Jeff's movement privileges.

Have him escorted

to the Chambers Street station.

And please check the expiration date

on the unipod worm tranquillizers.

Sorry, fellas. Station closed.

- Emergency drill. For your safety.

- Do you believe these putzes?

You're welcome.

I know, by the book.

Tee, when was the last time

we just looked at the stars?

This is a test. I can do this.

Ever feel like you're alone

in the universe?

Yes.

No.

- Hey, let me buy you a piece of pie.

- Really?

Thanks.

Hey, you're not alone

in the universe.

- Remove the arm.

- Okay.

Please, shut up, Charlie.

Please, shut up, Charlie.

I'm tired of you constantly talking

behind my back.

I'm tired of you constantly talking

behind my back.

You meet a girl. She's into it.

The best line you come up with is:

"Wanna come back to my place for some

tonsil hockey and egg salad?"

- Who are you and how'd you get in here?

- You like egg salad?

Serleena!

Why didn't you say it was you?

- Where's the Light?

- Here's the deal.

You're looking for this Light.

We found it.

You want it, it'll cost you 50 mill.

Here's how it'll work. First...

Where is the Light?

We couldn't find it, but we found

a guy who might know where it is.

He runs a pizza parlour

on Spring Street.

Let's go. And wipe your nose, idiot.

- Good pie.

- Yeah.

Crowded.

Well, they got good pie.

What's wrong with you?

- You're gonna neuralyze me.

- No, I'm not.

You took me here

so I wouldn't make a scene.

You making a scene.

Let me ask you a question.

Why did you join MiB?

Six years in the Marines.

I like the action. Protect the planet.

You like being a hero?

You joined the wrong organization.

- You ever heard of James Edwards?

- No.

Well, he saved the lives of 85 people

on the subway tonight.

No one knows he exists.

And if no one knows he exists,

how can anyone ever love him?

Hey, how long we been partners?

- Feb 1.

- Five months, three days.

- Started at noon.

- Nine hours.

Get married. Have a bunch of kids.

Okay.

Excuse me. My buddy's kind of shy,

but he thinks you are hot.

Here it is.

I don't know what to say.

Years from now,

you know what people'll say?

- " Employee" is misspelled?

- They charge by the letter.

They'll say, " lmagine that. Big shot

like her used to work here."

- Ben...

- You deserve it.

Bring up a case of Mountain Dew

from the basement.

Hey, Bruno.

Two slices of pepperoni and

information about the Light of Zartha.

- Whoever you are, don't hurt me.

- Where's the Light, Ben?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Let me down, ma'am.

I want to report a robbery...

There.

Noise.

Kitchen!

You idiots see anything?

Wind blew the door open.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

For 25 years, I've travelled

the universe looking for it.

But it never left Earth, did it?

You kept it here.

What are you talking about?

I'm running out of time.

Where's the Light?

- I don't know what you mean.

- Listen, Zarthan.

You hid the Light on Earth.

I'll find it.

Once we have the Light,

Zartha will be ours.

You're too late.

Tomorrow at midnight...

...the Light will leave

the third planet and be back home.

Sorry you made the trip for nothing.

Now we don't know

if it's on Earth or not.

He said third planet.

It's here, you idiot.

- Third Rock from the Sun.

- I never got that till now.

It's on Earth, and I know

who's gonna tell me where it is.

- Don't you ever go home?

- Nope.

I see you neuralyzed another partner.

Bee, Dee, when you use

a fission carboniser...

...attach a de-atomizer

so it doesn't sound like a cannon.

Hey, get some booties on them things.

You're crapping up the floor.

Check his visa.

The Cephalopods have been making

counterfeits at Kinko's on Canal.

And why do I have a dead Tricrainasloph

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