Mental Page #7

This time I kill ya.

Nah, I said to him, 'I'm not going to

have sex with you on the first date.

I have self-respect.'.

Yeah. I know...

(Phone bleeps)

Hang on a tick.

Dolphin Heads Council, Mayor

Moochmore's office, Tisha speakin

Barry! Mayor Moochmore!

BARRY:
I'm in conference!

- There's an emergency at home.

I painted that.

I'm helping Jean widen her access road.

(Sobs)

They reckon somebody's died!

Where are youse? Argh, me back!

I'm here! I'm here!

See? I told you he wasn't dead.

Just seemed like it.

Sit down, Barry.

You're just in time to carve the bird.

The girls cooked everything you see,

includin' the stuff in'.

You seem a bit stuffed yourself.

What have you been up to?

Here's your beer. Here's your name tag

so nobody forgets who anybody is.

Michelle.

- Peas, Dad?

- Bread and butter, Dad?

- Delicious corn.

- This is gravy.

Uh... yeah.

You girls cooked this yourselves?

(Girls agree)

SHAZ:
Certainly did.

It's, um...

..it's great.

Um...

..l gotta go.

(Ripper barks, growls)

You're not goin' anywhere.

- What?

- You 'eard me.

- What?

- You 'eard me.

- What?

- You heard me.

- What?

- You. Heard me.

- What?

- 'What' means 'no'.

What?

When Dad says 'what' like that,

he means no.

That right, Barry? When you

say 'what' like that, you mean 'no'?

- Or do you just mean 'what'?

- What?

Or does it mean 'I don't feel

comfortable with you girls

'cause I don't know any of ya,

and I don't know what to say to ya.

Easiest thing to do is run off

to the pub,

talk about nothing

instead of everything.'.

And that's what 'what' means.

Innit, Barry?

(Clears throat)

(Snoring)

SHAZ:
Wakey-wakey!

I admired you, Barry.

I thought you was a big man.

But you're nothin' but

a self-centred, whinin' piece of sh*t.

Jesus.

You think I'm gonna stand by

while you abuse your family?

I'd never hit any of 'em.

I know. You don't have the guts

to use your fists.

You slap them girls around with silence,

don't ya?

Ya kick 'em by not lookin' at 'em.

Ya beat your wife by not comin' home

and f***ing anything that moves.

- That's...

- Shut up! I heard the stories.

You know what I did

when my husband hit me?

I slit his face open

from his eyebrows to his chin.

You think he ever hit me again?

Hit me? He couldn't even look

in the mirror without cryin' about it.

- (Grunts)

- Shut up and keep movin'!

- Shaz! Don't hurt him!

- Call the police!

(Barry grunts)

BARRY:
Get off...

SHAZ:
Get in there!

Oh! You can't kill me!

I'm an elected official!

Oh, it's easy to impress people

who don't know ya, innit?

I'll be missed!

Yeah, only by your family.

Suck on that irony.

(Girl screams)

- Michelle...

- I don't have it!

- Michelle, it's me, love.

- I'm sorry!

I'm so sorry. I don't have it.

(Sobs)

Shaz?

Yeah. I got ya dad down here.

This is where she sleeps now, Barry.

She waits till everyone goes to bed

and then she moves her stuff down here.

Tell your dad

what you're doin' down here, Michelle.

They know where to find me up there.

- Who does?

- The ones from Lost In Space.

They want the mechanical man.

I don't have him!

They know where I sleep.

They want to hurt me 'cause I'm bad.

They took Mum 'cause I let 'em down.

(Sobs) I can't be up there no more.

She needs 'elp, Barry.

What are ya gonna do about it?

- I'm onto it, sweetheart.

- No!

- You can come out now.

- No!

I've gotta stay here!

I gotta stay... here.

I wanna talk to her - alone.

- Nup.

- She's my daughter, not yours!

Why don't you tell me about it, OK?

You won't get mad?

No.

I won't get mad.

You won't hate me no more?

You were married, Shaz.

You were married to Trevor Blundell.

Married?

SHAZ:
Till death do us part.

I meant that, even if he didn't.

- He told me you were dead.

- And what about Grace?

He tell you about our daughter?

He told you she was dead too, didn't he?

Yeah, well, she ain't dead.

He's got her.

And he keeps her against her will.

That's why I come to Dolphin Heads.

That's why your dad stopped for me.

That's why you work for him.

It's your destiny.

Trust me?

I done for you, didn't I?

Then you do for me.

(Door opens, man grunts)

Go on.

He needs ya.

Ian Davies, please.

Yeah, Barry Moochmore.

Yeah, Ian?

Oh, no... not good actually.

It's my daughter Michelle,

she's feeling crook.

She's hearing voices, Ian.

Telling her to kill herself and that.

Yeah, I think you better.

See you soon.

I don't hate youse.

Who said I hated youse?

I grew up with boys, that's all.

They used to compare...

..me and me brothers

to the Kennedys.

We was like Jack, Bobby

and Teddy in Hyannis Port.

'Cept we were Barry, Vince

and Ken in Dolphin Heads.

And me dad...

..he was a big man, a rogue,

like old Joe Kennedy was.

And he told us

that we was destined for greatness

like them Kennedy boys.

But this is my greatness, isn't it?

Mayor of nothing

but a shithole town...

..with an insane wife

and five mental daughters.

So you didn't get what you want?

Big deal!

We're girls, Dad - we're gonna

be girls for the rest of our lives,

so why don't you just shut up about it?!

And we want you

to start coming home

and talking to us about things.

And taking us places,

like the beach and that.

Like we were a real family.

- 'Cause we are one.

LEANNE:
If you think about it.

And we want you to stop

seeing other women,

because everybody knows about it.

Mum did too.

It's just embarrassing.

I would never have dared -

not in a million years...

dared to talk to my father like this!

One wrong look and he thrashed

the living daylights outta me!

Yeah... he was a bad father too.

Dad... there weren't only

Kennedy boys.

There were girls too.

And one of them was mental

and they put her away.

So...

..you're sort of like a Kennedy,

if you think about it.

Yeah... I reckon I am.

Opera music.

(Phone rings)

Doris Charles speaking.

SHAZ, ON PHONE:

We have Elizabeth the 1st

and all her weird friends.

No!

Smile.

Doris has got something

to say to you, Shirley.

I-V

en.

I-V

en.

- I've...

- What's that? Speak up, Doris.

I've always...

..been jealous of you...

..of your sweet, caring nature...

..and the fact that Mum loved you

more than she loved me.

- Oh! No, she didn't.

- She did.

- She didn't.

- She did.

- She did.

- She really didn't.

She did. And old Doris here's

been pissed off about it for years.

But you're over that now,

ain't you, Doris?

Yes.

Twice a week, she's gonna come over

to your house

for tea with you and the girls.

Afterwards, she's gonna help

with the dishes, aren't you?

Maybe some vacuuming and a little

bit laundry too, aren't you, Doris?

Aren't ya?

Elizabeth the 1st.

Yes, I am. I will, yes.

And she's very, very sorry.

I'm very, very sorry.

- For what?

- For being a c*nt.

(Gasps) Oh, no. Oh...

But you are a c*nt. You are

the cuntiest c*nt of all time.

- Admit your cunthood.

- Don't make her say that.

- An irrefutable fact, like gravity.

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