Mental Page #6

(Manda and Kay shriek)

(Ripper barks)

They are out to get you Moochmores.

And these b*tches are ruthless.

They declared war.

Well, we got one thing on our side -

they're crazy and we're not.

(Girls laugh)

That was fantastic!

(All laugh)

LEANNE AND KAYLEEN: (Chant)

Manda and Kay lying on the ground...

Got ya doubts, haven't ya, Coral?

I want to believe you, Shaz,

but... I'm not perfect.

Look at me.

I'm ugly, awkward.

I'm unpopular.

That's proof of your perfection.

They want you to hate yourself, Coral,

that way, they control ya.

And when they control ya,

they've robbed ya of your power.

What power?

A doctor once told me

I had six months to live.

I took out me knife,

held it to his throat

and I said, 'You take it back.'.

He took it back.

And I lived.

- I couldn't do that.

- Nah, you could.

- I couldn't pull a knife on anyone.

- Nah, you don't need the knife.

You're stronger than I am.

Shut up.

Take enough pain and humiliation,

and a part of you dies.

But the part that's left,

it can't be hurt no more.

I call that a State O' Shaz.

I am beyond pain and humiliation.

I am the avenging angel

of the perpetually humiliated.

I'll save you, Coral.

I'll save ya whole family.

I'll make you strong.

And in return, you make me whole.

(Doorbell rings) How?

(Ripper barks)

Start by answerin' the door.

The coppers are here.

See, you got a choice...

things can either stay the way they are

or you can fight back.

(Doorbell rings)

(Sighs) So did this woman

say anything to you?

- No.

MICHELLE:
Yes.

- No.

- Yes.

KAYLEEN AND LEANNE: No. No.

- No.

No.

Did she?

Um...

She said we were the next steps

in, um, human evolution.

The next steps to perfection.

- What, you lot?

- Yeah. (Chuckles)

(Both laugh)

Oh! Oh, your poor dad.

Show 'em this, so we can get outta here.

(Laughs)

Is this supposed to be her?

Yes. According to six eyewitnesses.

Well, they're wrong.

Her hair wasn't brown. It was blonde.

Blonde?

And she wasn't 5ft. She was 6ft.

- Yeah, she was tall.

- Yep, she was really tall.

And her eyes weren't blue.

They were brown.

- Brown eyes...

- Um... and she was Chinese.

Yep. That's right. She was Chinese.

- Was she all Chinese?

- Except for the French bits.

(Chuckles)

(TV commentary)

(Doorbell)

Remember that f***in' awful

white racist sh*t song

by them fat ugly white racist bastards

in the '60s.

My Boomerang Won't Come Back?

Well, my boomerang won't come back.

Me

Boomerang won't come back.

Me boomerang won't come back.

I've waved the thing

all over the place.

Practised till I was black in the face

I'm a big disgrace to the Aborigine race.

My boomerang won't come back.

Nance, Sandra. Sandra, Nance.

Sandra MacDonald,

a Goorie from Bundjalung Nation

via Dolphin Heads lunatic asylum.

I told Sandra all about you.

Told her you was warts-n-all honest.

- Especially the warts.

- Jesus! Look at the size of this one!

- Who are you, love?

SHAZ:
It's Donna.

- You gonna invite us in, Donna?

- No! No, I can't!

- I've just shampooed the carpets.

- Oh, what about my boomerang?

I'll get it. Just stay here.

(Grunts)

Stay here!

(Strains)

How do you like it?

Sweet and white.

(Chuckles nervously)

You alright there, love?

SANDRA:
Sit down.

(All chatter)

Excuse me.

Did I invite you inside?

Donna's making us tea.

She's a credit to you, Nance.

She's got great legs too.

Hey, Donna, stretch them hamstrings.

See that, Shaz? It's amazing.

(All gasp in awe)

Donna!

Put that away.

Get out! Go on!

(Sternly) Mum.

Here. Here's what you came for.

Go on. Off you go. Shoo!

You're being rude, Mum.

No, no, don't worry, Donna.

This is more than a social visit.

It's an intervention

Nance,

you're obsessive compulsive disorder,

and a nasty, gossiping b*tch to boot.

You need help and we're here to help ya.

You can't control the world

with cleanliness and order.

Life's not like that. Life's mess.

Oozin', owin', drippin' mess.

Sure, you can keep your house

lookin' like a science lab

and you can have Donna

actin' like a nun with a netball,

but what are you gonna do

when life busts in?

And you, Nance, you're esh and blood,

sweat and piss.

You're a woman, Nance, not Tupperware.

Nah, we can't leave ya.

This is an emergency.

- I'm calling the police.

- Nah, not a police emergency.

A feminine emergency.

Ya got any pads?

- What?

- You know... pads.

Writing pads?

Sanitary pads. Preferably maxi.

- (Whispers) For who?

- (Whispers) All of us, actually, yeah.

You know how women living

in close proximity line up menstrually?

Something to do with the moon. Well,

we've all lined up, haven't we, girls?

- Right here, in your lounge room.

- (Chuckles)

I'm havin' an emergency

on your white couch.

- Me too.

- Oh, you're a woman now, Jane.

NANCY:
Get out!

- Shaz...

Get out!

- Oh...

- Shaz...

Whoa! Looks like pads all round, Nance.

Oh! Filthy, filthy, filthy pigs!

Oh, I'm bleedin' like a stuck one,

that's for sure.

- Aargghhhh!

- I'll get the toilet paper.

Where's the bathroom?

Excuse me.

Get out!

Jane, let Nance hit ya with that

boomerang. It's good therapy for her.

Don't be afraid of mess, Nance.

Mess is good. Mess is life.

- Call the police!

- I invited them in!

What are the cops gonna do, Nance?

Arrest us for bleedin'?

That's it, Nance. Lose control.

Fight ya pathology!

Coming through!

(Nancy shrieks)

Break free of your delusions, Nance.

Unleash them forbidden desires!

Them repressed impulses!

- Embrace mess and be free!

SANDRA:
She's gone mental!

(Nancy shrieks) No!

DONNA:
Mum!

NANCY:
Filthy sluts!

(Nancy grunts and groans)

DONNA:
We'll get them dry-cleaned!

Behold ya power.

'Cause you'll never be as good

as the girl in my head...

The instinct of conformity.

Pretty...

That's what I'm missing.

It's what they have and I don't.

GIRL:
F*** off, freak.

(Girls giggle)

So neurotypical.

(High-pitched voice) ls my hair nice?

No.

Does 'neurotypical' mean, like, boring?

(Chuckles)

You're right.

She doesn't know what she does to me.

Born without

the instinct of conformity.

She ain't normal

Just different shades of mental.

The fact that we met

could not be accidental.

And maybe she's not the solution.

But she's the next step

in human evolution.

She's the best

I would've guessed.

I got impressed as she got undressed.

And she is something more or.

Something less.

I'm told she's crazy,

but I think she's the best.

Ooh...

TROUT:
Woo!

Ohhhh.

She doesn't know what she's done to me.

Born again, I'm losing my conformity.

She makes me feel so funny

in the tummy.

Like Cinderella, Santa, Snow White

and the Easter Bunny.

And maybe she's not the solution.

But she's the next step

in human evolution.

She's the best

I would've guessed.

I got impressed as she got undressed.

And she is something more or.

Something less.

I'm told she's crazy,

but I think she's the best.

Ooh...

TREVOR:
Shaz?

I warned ya.

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