Mental Page #5

I've always favoured offensive me self.

Ya might say I invented it.

But I'm gonna get you out of here,

Shirl.

But first, we gotta deal

with them tumours of yours.

Rise and shine! We got

mountains to climb, startin' now!

(Screams)

Give us the mechanical man.

MICHELLE:
I don't have

the mechanical man!

Forget about that. Ya never

gonna give 'em the mechanical man

'cause you're not a character

in Lost In Space.

Now get up and get dressed.

You think Noxious Nance

has climbed this mountain?

'Course not!

She's too busy scrubbin' her driveway.

This takes guts and perseverance!

(Girls groan and squeal)

Do ya reckon Auntie Doris

has climbed this mountain?

She doesn't even know it's here.

Ya gotta believe in yourselves, girls,

and each other.

(Shrieks, pants)

I can't go any further. I won't.

You don't get to the top

of this mountain, Coral,

then ya nothin',

just like they say ya are.

What's the point of getting to the top,

anyway?!

Not bein' at the bottom.

(Girls groan and pant)

SHAZ:
Come on, girls! That's it!

Almost there.

MICHELLE:
I can't do it.

SHAZ:
Come on, Michelle.

(Michelle strains)

Come on, Michelle! Just move it!

- I can't!

- We're all waiting here!

Oi, get in behind her

and give her a push.

I can't!

(Girls strain)

(Girls strain and groan)

She's too heavy!

She's not heavy, she's ya sister!

(Girls groan and strain)

(Both cheer, Ripper barks)

That's it, Michelle.

(All cheer)

(Pants)

I'm ying! Woo-hoo!

(Girls pant and chuckle)

Everybody, pick up a rock.

One day this rock's

gonna mean somethin' to ya.

Ya might lose the only thing

you ever loved,

or that ever loved you,

but you're gonna look at this rock

and you're gonna say, 'I can take it,

because I climbed the mountain.'.

This is where they live.

It's where the voices live.

Can hear 'em clearer up here.

They're singin'.

They're 'appy...

They was from Lost In Space,

wasn't they, Shaz?

Yeah. Knew as soon as I 'eard ya.

'Give us the mechanical man.'

Great episode.

Of course, not as great as the episode

where Dr Smith turns into a tree,

but you can't have everything.

You're onto 'em now, Michelle.

They're gonna have to think

of somethin' else.

None of youse are mental.

Except you, Michelle. You're bonkers.

But the rest of youse...

Nah.

But if we're not mental,

we're just unpopular.

I'll show you the meanin'

of the word 'mental'.

Page 354.

- 'Obsessive compulsive disorder.'

SHAZ:
Yeah, that's her.

'Stubborn, stingy, possessive,

uncreative and unimaginative,

devoted to meaningless activities

that require being tidy and meticulous.'.

CORAL:
It is her.

Yeah, they're all in there -

the whole neighbourhood.

See that delusional over there? He mowed

the same strip of grass yesterday.

He can't help himself.

(Girls scream)

(Man yells angrily)

Look. Look at him! Look!

Ohh. Upset the delicate balance of

their fantasy world, and they go nuts.

- They can't all be mental.

- What are the odds of that?

(Shrieks)

Youse have stumbled on the meanin'

of life and ya don't even know it!

America. Europe.

Asia.

And all the way down here is Australia.

Alone. Isolated.

Ever wonder why? Why we're down here?

Well, we were a penal colony...

Well, that's the cover story, yeah.

But, historically, where have

they always sent the loonies?

As far away as possible.

And you can't get

any further away than Australia.

We weren't a penal colony.

We was a lunatic asylum.

Our ancestors were loonies,

and this is the result.

Well, have a look around.

There's no such thing as normal.

It's just different shades of mental.

Your totally mental

are in the lunatic asylums.

The rest of 'em - the delusionals,

borderlines, compulsives,

paranoids, schizoids -

make up Australia as we know it.

We're nothin' but a livin' experiment

in madness

under constant observation by the

psychiatric community of the world.

But... if we're all under observation...

and mental,

how come we're allowed to leave?

Kylie Minogue.

She left. She's practically British.

In any experiment,

there's test mice and control mice.

Control mice are marked in some way

and sent off into the normal world

as comparisons.

Kylie Minogue's a control mouse.

Cate Blanchett - control mouse.

Russell Crowe -

a control mouse outta control.

Rupert Murdoch, Nicole Kidman.

The list of control mice is endless.

- What about you, Shaz?

- What about me?

Do you know the meaning

of the word 'conformity'?

I don't. I instinctively do not know it.

And that's how they knew about me

Knew about me from birth.

They been after me ever since.

Who's after you?

Scientists. After me brain.

They want to study me, clone me,

or prevent me from happenin' again.

I don't know which. I'm not psychic.

Luckily, Ripper is. He warns me

when they're gettin' too close.

And I understand

why they're scared of me.

I'm the next step to human evolution.

A next step to perfection.

And they don't want me buildin' an army.

- What army?

- An army of me.

'Cause I can see the ones

who are like me...

born without the instinct of conformity.

That's what led me to Dolphin Heads.

Ya think it was an accident

ya dad stopped for me?

He had to. It was his destiny.

Dad's like you.

Nup.

Youse are.

Youse are me army

Youse are next steps,

but crushed into un-recognizability

by the forces of conformity.

There ya go, Michelle.

A jam and cream doughnut on the house

I didn't want a jam and cream doughnut.

Oh, you sound just like your mum

when you say that.

She's always telling us she doesn't

want the jam and cream doughnuts too,

then she shovels 'em down

like there's no tomorrow.

Doesn't she, Kay?

- We love your mum. We call her Mrs Moo.

- (Kay chuckles)

Where is she these days?

She's in Wollongong, on 'oliday.

Havin' a rest, is she? Nice long rest?

Well, I believe ya. Thousands wouldn't.

Now, how about the rest of you Moos?

Are you ready for seconds?

She's in a mental institution.

She had a nervous breakdown.

Get too much for her, did it?

Mm, you might say that.

You might say this place

broke her spirit.

Dolphin Heads?

Nah. Best town in the world.

- That right?

- Yeah.

If she gone crazy,

it won't be Dolphin Heads.

Something... closer to home, I reckon.

What's your name, sweetheart?

Manda. I'm the manageress.

This is Kay.

Manda... we just been readin'

about you, Manda. Haven't we, girls?

- Right here, in me book.

- What book's that?

Oh, it's kinda like the Bible,

except more about Australia than heaven.

Here youse are.

Page 369. Can you read that?

'Sadistic personality disorder...'.

No, not that bit. The underlined bit.

(Manda shrieks)

You think these jam and cream doughnuts

are so f***in' great, you eat 'em!

I think young Kay wants a jam and cream

doughnut, girls. What do you think?

Little career advice, psychos -

the customer is always right!

If the Moos don't want

jam and cream doughnuts,

they don't get jam and cream doughnuts!

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