Merrily We Go to Hell Page #5

If you love me, you will.

Joanie, you know I think you're

the swellest person in the world.

If you love me, you'll lock that

door so that I can't get out.

You mean that?

I'm no jailer.

Shut the door, Joan,

or I will go.

Get out. Get out!

Joan!

Get out!

Joan!

I thought

you'd be packed.

Did you?

Packed and gone.

Why?

I don't have to

tell you why.

You mean because you

didn't come home last night?

Don't be silly.

The way you talk, one would think we

were living in my grandmother's day.

No woman could forgive a man

for doing what I did to you.

It was my fault.

Your fault?

I opened the door

and told you to go.

You know,

I wish you hadn't, Joan.

You know, I think that

you are the swellest girl

that any man

could ask for a wife.

Now that I've started this

thing with Claire, I...

Well, I have no right

to ask you to forgive me.

My grandmother

wouldn't have.

And rightly.

Do you want me

to go, Jerry?

You'd be an awful

fool if you stayed.

No, I wouldn't.

It happens I spent

the morning realizing

that we're living

in a modern world

where there's no place

for old-fashioned wives.

You seem to want

a modern wife,

and that's what

I'm going to be.

In other words, I'm

going to unpack my trunks.

You see, I'd rather go merrily

to hell with you than alone.

Joan, I always said

you were swell.

Perhaps you won't

think so much longer,

because if being a modern

husband gives you privileges,

then being a modern wife

gives me privileges.

I'm not worried, honey.

I've told you before, you've

got the words but not the tune.

Don't forget, I have a musical

ear and can pick up tunes easily.

I'll have to hurry.

Where are you going?

I just made a luncheon date with

your modern friend, Charlie Baxter.

He's been after me for a long

time to have lunch with him.

Joan...

I'll phone you later.

Perhaps we'll

dine together.

Joan!

Hey!

Let that window alone,

will you?

Okay.

What this country needs is

less ventilation and more smoke.

Come on, babe.

Jerry, there's your wife.

Excuse me.

Hello, Jerry.

Hello.

I say, do you happen to know

your namesake, Mrs. Corbett?

Yes, sir,

there's no doubt of it.

She's a distant

relative of mine.

It's my wife.

I'm sorry. I should have connected you.

I had no idea you were

coming here tonight.

I had no idea you

were coming here.

Where'd you dine?

We didn't.

We were at Tony's, and the

idea of food was revolting.

Where's our charming host?

He's sleeping

behind the bar there.

Shall we join him?

Sure.

I'll be seeing

you, Jerry.

Mrs. Corbett's a pretty

little woman, isn't she?

It's easy, look. Like this,

like that, pull, finished.

How's that?

One more for the lady.

Say, Joan, what do you

say we go to Harlem?

I say no.

I thought you weren't

coming back to me.

Don't be silly.

I say yes.

Hurray!

To the ladies. They keep their

hearts and change their minds.

Oh, no. We keep our minds,

but change our hearts.

Gentlemen, I give you the holy

state of matrimony, modern style.

Single lives, twin beds and

triple bromides in the morning.

Okay.

By the way, has anyone here

heard about the depression?

What depression?

The very charming depression between

your shoulder blades, my dear.

You're tickling me.

Joan, let's

finish this dance.

I'd love to.

It's marvelous the way

you keep it up, Joan.

Isn't it?

Happy?

I never want to stop.

Let's go back. The

floor's awfully crowded.

All right, but the next time a woman

tells me she never wants to stop...

Excuse me.

What's the matter, lady?

I don't know.

Something's been

the matter with me lately.

I think I'm going to faint.

Oh, no, you won't.

I repeat, Mrs. Corbett.

You're in a very bad

physical condition.

Very bad.

You should have complete

rest and relaxation.

I should say it was

your only chance to...

Yes, I understand, Doctor.

I don't think there's anything

more I can do for you tonight.

No, Doctor.

Thank you for coming.

Not at all.

Good night.

Doctor gone?

Yes.

Well, here's the

bracer you wanted.

I don't want it, Vi.

I'm on the water wagon.

Doctor's orders?

Yes. He said I need

rest and relaxation.

Well, there's your

rest and relaxation.

Vi, do you remember once

telling me to get out in time?

That you can become cheaper

through loving someone

than through

hating someone?

Well, I didn't

get out in time,

but I'm going to tell

Jerry something tonight.

You'd better wait

until tomorrow.

No, I've waited

too long already.

The bride,

the bride.

Hello, darling.

I didn't think

you were coming

home for hours yet.

I changed my mind.

Well, I'm terribly

glad you're here.

We ran out of liquor.

Jerry!

I'm sorry.

Jerry, come with me. There's

something I've got to tell you.

In a minute, darling. I can't

neglect my guests, you know?

Buck didn't give us time

to say good evening.

Good evening.

Do you know, I was voted the

most popular man in college

when I told them I'd

just gotten in a new case.

What this country

needs is more people

who've just gotten

in a new case.

Step right in here,

gentlemen, and even ladies.

Have one on the house.

You know, it's an

old American custom.

I'll be right with you.

Jerry, listen to me. There's something

that I've been trying to tell you.

Wait a minute, sweet. I'm all

burdened down here, you know.

Jerry, I've been trying

to get you to listen to me,

and now you've got to.

Darling, no one's gonna tell

me that I've got to listen.

I want you to understand,

this is not my regular job.

In real life, I'm a rainmaker

with the umbrella concessions.

Hello, Buck and Vi.

Everything all right?

That's the stuff.

Hey, Jerry, hold it!

Camera! Action!

Stop Jerry from making a

fool of himself! Talk to him!

I'm tired of getting

blue in the face.

Joan, will you

have a little drink?

No, thank you.

There you are.

There you are.

What's going

on in here?

Darling, Claire's

going into the movies.

We've just been

shooting the first scene.

What a shame

I missed it.

Perhaps you'll do

it again for me.

With pleasure, Mrs. Corbett,

I'd love to reenact the scene.

You ready?

Now, what I want from you

children is adult passion!

Okay, Director.

That's great.

Hold it. Camera! Action!

Good boy, Jerry.

Hey, cut. Cut! Do you

want the reel to burn?

That's good.

Marvelous.

Magnificent.

Personally, I think it

must be very difficult

to be married to such

an ardent young man.

He thinks I'm swell.

I do, darling. Isn't that

what I always tell you?

Jerry, you should be

more expressive than that.

He'll have every chance to be

more expressive from now on!

Joan.

Go back in the kitchen. You're

being rude to your guests,

one in particular.

I'd had an awful

lot to drink, Joan.

I'll never bring

her here again.

You can bring her

here all you want.

Besides, we did

have an agreement

not to be jealous

of each other.

My grandmother would have thought

that a very silly agreement,

and I've discovered

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