Middle Men Page #9

Really?

Apparently, some terrorist in Hamburg

that Interpol was on the hunt for

was obsessed with Audrey.

It turned out they could

literally track his whereabouts

when he logged onto the site. Now,

he likes Audrey's website so much,

he emails another

terrorist in Afghanistan...

...who emails another in Pakistan.

Pretty soon, you've got

a worldwide terrorist circle jerk,

all because of Audrey's site.

The Navy was scrambling fighters

off the decks of aircraft carriers...

...whenever Audrey Dawns

was doing her thing.

They didn't think

we'd be willing to help them.

I think they were trying to figure out

a way to force you into it,

but they didn't have

anything compromising on you.

- This is crazy, isn't it?

- I know.

I mean, we're gonna be like...

We're gonna be like spies,

working for the government.

It turns me on!

It was all so crazy.

A 23-year-old porn star was

about to become a major component

in America's war on terror.

Now, at the same time,

Buck and Wayne finally put

together what Denny Z was up to

with their new secret website.

What do you mean? What do you

mean "under 1 8"? How do you know?

I'm telling you,

I saw it with my own eyes.

These girls are underage.

You need to confront this, Wayne.

I saw f***in' pigtails,

I saw little f***ing girls.

Sh*t, this is not good, man.

I can't believe he f***ed us like that.

He totally f***ed us!

Oh, no. I'm not going to prison. Oh, no.

We gotta get the f***

out of the country, right now.

Call a chopper, land on the roof,

chopper out to Van Nuys Airport

and take the jet down to Cambodia.

- You're getting way ahead of yourself.

- We gotta get the f*** out.

We need to demand Denny Z

f***ing disable this site!

And we need to f***ing say nothing.

- I'm not going to prison.

- We're not f***ing pedophiles, man.

- Yeah, tell that to the judge.

- Judge, we're not f***ing pedophiles.

OK.

- Hey, guys, the FBI is here.

- What?

Yeah, they're up there talking to Jack.

- Terrorists?

- Correct.

- And Audrey?

- Right.

We've been able to confirm that

these terrorists have very

specific viewing patterns.

They're men.

For example...

...we have found that

they very much enjoy

solo or girl-on-girl,

much more than the hardcore.

I mean, they'll watch it,

but they're incredibly homophobic.

Another example.

They enjoy sites that have,

and this is a surprise to no one,

- a military theme.

- Military themes?

Girls posing with guns and the like.

What your government

is recommending...

We recommend Audrey create

a new section on her site

- with a separate payment method.

- A portal.

This will allow us to hone our efforts.

- What are they f***ing doing?

- They're just talking.

I'm freaking the f*** out.

I'm not going to prison.

Oh, f***!

...on their specific viewing,

much more so using

said portal through you.

And we believe this to be

the key to our success.

Oh, of course. Anything I can

do to help, I'll be glad to.

Oh, f***. Oh, my God,

he's shaking their hands. Oh, f***.

I'm f***ing telling you,

he f***ing called 'em!

So now these idiots think I'm

conspiring with the Feds against them.

Of course, I had no idea

what was going on.

They go into a full-blown panic,

and of all the people

in the world to confide in,

who do they go see?

Listen. I gotta tell you,

you guys really piss me off.

I'm pissed off because every time

you have a problem, you come to me.

It's never, "Hey, Jerry,

you wanna go have some dinner,"

or, "We're doing well,

now here's a little gift for you

because without you,

we would have nothing."

No, but if you got Russians

that are looking to kill you

or you're worried about the FBI

because you got a 16-year-old

on your website...

OK, OK.

...I immediately become

your best friend. Right?

- It's not like that. That's not true.

- Well, bullshit.

- So, how bad is it?

- Minors f***ing on your website?

It's not very good, to be honest.

It's not like it's kiddie porn.

The girls are 16 or 1 7...

You know, we gotta keep it down.

- The girls are 16 or 1 7 years old.

- I see.

But I'm not sure that the government

shares your sense of nuance there.

- What do we do?

- We? You got a turd in your pocket?

First thing you two

rocket scientists gotta do

is get rid of that creepy Denny Z.

You gotta get as far away

from that as possible.

- What?

- Buck called him already.

- Denny Z?

- Yeah.

You're the guy that

put us in touch with him,

told us to get into business with him.

I wanna introduce you

to the legendary Denny Z.

- That I don't recall.

- That's f***ed up.

You don't remember that?

Respectfully, it's f***ed up.

But it's rather irrelevant now,

isn't it?

I think it's relevant.

I mean, you did introduce us to him.

Nobody likes a finger pointed at them.

Nobody. And I demand the same respect

that I show you two jerk-offs.

Jerry, how do we make this disappear?

That's another "we."

Let me ask you a question,

what are you guys worth now?

Well, it's kind of

hard to keep track of.

Well, give me a rough. Like an estimate.

Maybe, what, 1 00 million?

- Maybe something in that area?

- It's more like 50.

- A hundred, 200 million.

- It's more like 50.

- About a hundred million.

- And, you know, God forbid,

you never thought of giving me

a little piece of that?

In the beginning, Jack said

you were under indictment.

Hey, f*** Jack.

And that little plan of yours

apparently didn't go so well.

You've got FBI looking up

your ass right now.

How about...

how about the three of us?

- We work together, make a partnership.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Now, what about Jack?

- F*** Jack.

- I said that.

- We'll deal with him.

All right.

The first thing you gotta do

is get rid of that goddamn website.

Then maybe I can help

straighten things out for you.

Thank you very much. Thank you for

everything. You've been a real friend.

- Sure.

- I'm sorry.

- I actually gotta take a sh*t.

- Sit the f*** down.

Oh, forget about it.

So Buck and Wayne told Haggerty

they'd shut the site down.

What happened next you won't believe.

They just simply forgot.

Listen, I would like to say something

and it's from the bottom of my heart.

I would be extremely unhappy if,

let's say, I got blindsided

and I wound up in court with you two.

So I wanna ask, are you sure,

absolutely sure, that you've told me

everything that there is to know?

- There's an unnecessary pause here.

- No, no, no no, no, no. Jerry.

Jerry, we will never

do that to you again. OK?

Do not ever f*** with me.

- Jerry, Jerry...

- F***!

Do you understand?

- Do you understand?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And before you know it,

Buck and Wayne told Haggerty

about the dead Russian.

Every last detail about how

james accidentally killed Ivan.

They didn't get their money!

Now, Haggerty's got me

in the worst possible position.

- Yeah?

- Your son's been arrested.

- What?

- Your son has been arrested, Jack.

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