Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life

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1

You guys wanna

handle this for me?

On it, boss.

On it.

I just said that.

Why do you even

set this thing, Rafe,

if you're not gonna go to sleep?

Give me the blaster, quick.

Ready. Aim.

Fire!

Check the barrel.

Uh-oh.

Ah, that never gets old.

Great. Now I have two headaches.

Let's blast it.

On three. One...

Rafe.

Rafe?

Rise and shine, buddy.

Rafe.

Are you up?

Wake up!

What?

Oh, boy.

Is it morning already?

Please tell me you did not stay

up all night drawing again.

No, of course not.

No, the only reason I would

ever be up all night

is just because I'm so excited

to go to school today.

But I wasn't up all night.

Come here.

Why?

Gross. What're you doing?

I'm wiping the excitement

off your face.

It looks a lot like ink.

Mom, where's my breakfast?

It's coming.

Georgia, for the millionth time,

Calvin's not allowed in my room.

For the billionth time,

it's Mr. giggles to you.

And just because you're grumpy

doesn't give you the right to

make the rest of us miserable.

Okay, guys, come on.

Let's go, Calvin.

We don't have to take this.

You know, hon, I have to say,

really impressive updates for

the Vinlothian star cruiser.

Thanks.

Look...

I know it's hard, starting

a new school mid-semester,

and I don't wanna

take this away from you,

but you have to promise me

you won't spend every waking,

sleeping moment working on this

when there's a whole

big world out there.

Mom, there's a whole

big world in there, too.

I'm talking about

the real world.

Give it a try, would you?

For me?

Hmm?

Okay.

On the menu for today,

we have a farro basil salad

with tomato coulis.

You know, Georgia and I

would be completely fine

if you just made us, like,

a bologna sandwich.

I'm a sous-chef,

not a chemical engineer.

Oh, and for dessert,

we have

a deconstructed lime tart.

Why'd you deconstruct it?

I don't know.

I don't wanna do something

the same old, regular way.

Where's the imagination in that?

If you wanna stand out,

you wanna make a difference,

you gotta think outside the box.

Did you order an Uber?

Oh, man!

She's gonna get me arrested.

Better you than me.

Hello! Not getting

any younger here.

Uh, do that again, and you're

not getting any older either.

I was just pulling it around

to save time.

Never again.

Move.

You should wanna be early, too,

considering your track record.

I'm sorry.

I can't hear you.

Fine. Shut me out.

But I'm the only one willing to

give you the cold hard facts.

You've been kicked out of

two schools in one year.

Georgia, I'll handle

the lectures.

Go for it.

No, thank you.

I'm tired of that lecture.

See, you're exhausting people.

This is the last school

that'll take you.

And if you mess up here,

you're gonna end up

at a new school

called "prison elementary."

So get your head

out of your Keister.

Uh-tut-tut-tut-tut!

I'm just trying to help

a brother out, mom.

Look how nice it looks.

It's gonna be a great first day.

I can just feel it.

So just be polite

and don't forget to listen.

I'm sorry, what?

See, this is why kids

shouldn't have Espresso.

No, no, no,

I told you no more coffee.

Narc.

Addict.

Snitches get stitches.

Stop. Listen. They have me

working a double again,

so Carl's gonna pick you up.

No!

Why?

I know. It's been a tough

year for all of us.

But he's there for me

when I need him.

And lately,

I've really needed him.

So let's all put on our

be-nice-to-Carl faces, okay?

Okay, we'll work on it,

we'll work on it.

Listen, have a great first day.

I love you so much.

Be on your

best behavior. Okay?

Quiet in the hallways,

please. Okay?

I'd like to have a silent

hallway one of these days.

Excuse me, young man.

What is your name?

Rafe Khatchadorian.

What did you just say to me?

It's my last name.

I'm new.

Well, being new

does not entitle you

to swagger in here

with no clothes on.

I'm... I'm wearing clothes.

No, those aren't clothes.

Those are rule violations.

Every single thing you have on flies

in the face of rule number 22.

What's rule number 22?

Are you telling me that you

haven't read our code of conduct?

All right, if I don't tell you,

I won't get in trouble, right?

Unbelievable.

The code of conduct, young man.

Read it, learn it, live it.

Rule number 22 is,

"always obey the dress code."

That means no printed shirts,

no wild colors.

Look what's happening to

the collar of your shirt here.

Your headphones

are dragging it open.

Nobody needs to see where your

chest hairs are going to be.

Yeah, okay, yeah, got it.

"Got it"?

How about, "got it, sir"?

Rule number one

here at hills village

is to respect your principal.

And since I am the principal,

that means

you need to respect me

by calling me "sir,"

or if you prefer,

"principal Dwight."

Or maybe even

"sir Dwight," if you like.

Good. You have recognized

my keen sense of humor.

Not everybody does.

Good man. Okay, good.

All right. On your way into

school, which is that way.

There he is!

Ah, intense, huh?

Mmm-hmm.

Hey, Georgia thought

I was gonna end up in prison,

but I think I'm already here.

Yeah, well, you know,

at least in prison

we can carve, like, shanks out

of toothbrushes, you know.

It's good to see you, Leo. Honestly,

I didn't think you'd be here, too.

This was the last school

in the district

that would take us.

Holla!

Holla!

- It's so weird...

- Excuse me.

Is your name David?

No.

Were you carved by Michelangelo?

No.

Stop standing around

like a statue.

You're blocking

the flow of traffic.

Yeah, you heard the warden,

get back to your cell, Rafe.

Hallway etiquette is no

laughing matter, young man.

And rule number 11

clearly states,

"no loitering in the halls."

Okay.

Okay?

Okay, sir?

It's vice principal Stricker.

Go, now.

Shon.

Yeah?

Do you know how to

sync this to your phone?

Um... probably not.

Doesn't your dad work at best buy?

Oh, yeah, he does.

Just in marketing.

So you don't get any free stuff?

I do,

but mostly office supplies.

You got it?

It's just homeroom.

We'll wait.

Okay, let's start class.

Bella? Bella.

Please put your phone away

during class.

You can't rate teachers

on yelp anyway.

I've tried.

So we have a new student today.

I'm assuming you are...

I'm a transfer student, sir.

Oh, you don't have to

call me "sir."

Makes me feel old.

And I already feel old.

I drive a Saturn.

It's just, principal Dwight

told me to call everyone "sir."

It's one of his rules.

Okay.

Well, I don't see any principal

Dwight in here. Do you?

Seriously, do you? Because

he is a master of disguise.

So we have a new

transfer student today

whose name I'm realizing

I did not ask just now.

What's your name?

Rafe Khatchadorian.

Whoa! It would suck to have to

spell that dumb name.

Well, Rafe, welcome to hell.

Back to the homework

from last night.

You all listened to the Drake

and future mixtape last night.

Because today we will be

talking about fair trade.

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