Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life Page #2

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Okay. There's a hot track

and it's produced

by future's Hendrix crew.

Drizzy, champagne papi,

is in the studio

with future and he says,

"hey, yo, let me

get on that track."

"Well, I'ma have to

charge you."

And what does Drake say back?

"Charge me?

I thought we were boys."

"We're the best of boys.

"We're gonna make

a mixtape together."

But there's a tax.

Not anymore,

once NATO came along.

Teller, it's NAFTA, not NATO.

Ah? What? Word?

Shon is right, it is NAFTA.

So, now there is no tax.

So champagne papi and young Hendrix

can be on each other's tracks

without having to

charge anybody.

Much the way

that America and Canada

have goods

importing and exporting.

Hey, kick-a-dorkian.

Does anyone have any questions, comments?

It's Miller time.

Stay out of my way,

or I'll wedgie you so bad

you'll be able to taste

your underwear.

How?

Ladies and gentlemen,

let's get ready

for the pain event.

Oh, this one always delivers

a fistful of hollers!

The grip-n-rip!

Holy Yosemite!

Want to lodge a complaint?

It's the beaver-tail!

Irritating, even to

people just watching,

the man-bun!

Over-rated and over-exposed,

the Kardashian!

You get that I can

kick your butt, right?

My bad.

There is an agreement.

Sorry.

Free trade.

For tomorrow, I want everybody

to become familiar with every

single member of the Wu-tang clan.

We're gonna take

a little trip to the Bronx.

So, in conclusion...

I'm not just gonna stand here

and make a bunch of promises.

Just this.

You should vote for me

because my dad is super rich

and my stepmom is really hot.

Oh, ho, ho!

Stormin' Norman, what a speech!

Well done.

Hey.

Uh, for those of you

who don't know me,

I'm Jeanne Galleta,

President of the av club.

I'm guessing most of you

don't know what that is,

since I'm also the only member.

Gandhi once said,

"we have to be the change

we wish to see."

And the way I see it,

cutting funding for the arts...

Hello.

Was just dumb.

We have to bring it back,

so we can express ourselves

as human beings

and not just a bunch of robots.

Also, we've gotta do something

about this dress code, okay?

It stifles individuality!

Oh, look at that,

we're out of time.

Sorry, miss Galleta. Gosh.

No, no, no.

Please. No, don't clap.

- No need to be polite.

- Thank you.

Just hold your clapping

till the end.

I think we're probably all

voting for Norman anyway, right?

I've seen his stepmom.

You're not kidding.

All right, folks, you know...

That's not funny.

Why is this wrapped around...

Let's not wrap the microphone

around the stand anymore.

It's annoying.

Folks, in two months,

we will all be competing

for something

of the utmost importance.

Who knows what I'm referring to?

B.L.A.A.R.

I can't hear you!

B.L.A.A.R.!

Now you're just yelling.

No yelling!

That's right.

In eight short weeks,

we will all be taking

the baseline assessment

of academic readiness!

All right. Hey, you there!

Do you love your parents?

I guess so.

Hear me when I tell you, you don't

love them an eighth as much

as I love this test!

A few years ago,

my wife asked me

to stop paying so much

attention to the b.L.A.A.R.

And pay a little more

attention to her.

Well, she's gone now,

and I have no regrets.

And, folks, if we are going to

maintain our number one standing,

which we most certainly

do wanna do...

This is hilarious!

Oh, my gosh!

Zombie Dwight!

Only the b.L.A.A.R.

And nothing but the b.L.A.A.R.

No, come on, give it...

Hey, what's with

all the kerfuffle out there?

This is legit hilarious.

Hey!

Hand over the notebook, Deenie,

if you know what's good for you.

Smart move!

Oh!

This concludes our assembly.

I don't look like that.

I don't look like that at all.

Son, as principal, I think of myself

as the father of this school.

And there's nothing I wouldn't

do to protect a child.

Do you follow me?

Sure. Yeah. You think the

students are your children.

What? No.

The students aren't my children.

The school is my child.

And you attacked my child today.

You punched it in the face.

What kind of a person punches

a child in the face?

That was a very important

assembly, and you ruined it.

I know. I'm sorry.

Honestly, I was just doodling.

Listen, man, I am totally

into creativity.

I really dig it.

I'm a hip cat from way back.

You better believe it.

But it doesn't belong in school.

Art should be

locked up in a museum

where old people can enjoy it

or children on field trips.

We get to go on field trips

to art museums?

God, no. No. That's a

complete waste of time.

We're not doing that.

All right! Rule number 26.

Read it out loud, please.

"Rule 26.

"Any written material deemed

"inappropriate

or offensive will be

"confiscated and destroyed"?

And destroyed.

Very good.

You're a good reader.

Gus, bring your bucket in here, please.

The yellow bucket.

This is a bucket full of acid

that will completely

dissolve your notebook.

It's probably not

a great idea to keep

a bucket full of acid

in a middle school,

but if you can think

of a better way

to dissolve notebooks,

I'm all ears.

Why are you still here?

Mmm.

All right!

Goodbye, offensive

and inappropriate material.

Wait, hold on.

Look, please,

I've had that book forever.

And, I mean, I worked so hard

on all those drawings.

Well, maybe if you had

worked that hard

on something worthwhile instead,

like, for instance,

your school work,

we wouldn't be here right now.

Please, you don't understand.

These drawings

mean everything to me.

Really?

Well...

In that case...

Rules are rules.

You guys are doomed.

Bye-bye.

This super stinks.

Tech support.

Here we go.

Tech support.

Peace out!

It was an honor serving

with you, sir.

I'm sorry I used your toothbrush

to pick out my nose.

Yeah, me too.

What?

Tech support.

Your new principal sucks!

Don't forget to draw me

on the other side, Rafe!

Dude!

Hey, man. I don't wanna

talk about it, all right?

Hey, you, uh...

You ever open

that thing I got you?

Ah...

I'm sorry, I forgot.

No worries, man.

You've been busy. Just...

I just think it might be

a good time, you know?

Might cheer you up.

It's whatever, though.

Doesn't matter.

You want a ride?

You're funny.

No, not with that Dufus.

All right, well,

I'm out of here.

Good luck.

Hop in! You know I can't

come to a complete stop.

Let's go!

Hurry up!

Let's go. Come on.

Bear, why'd you get a stick if

you don't know how to drive it?

It's not a true sports car if

it's an automatic, all right?

Besides, I really like to feel

the road when I'm driving.

Hey, towel, please.

Sorry, I almost got "person"

on your seat.

Hey, "f" your "I,"

these seats are Italian

leather, all right?

I'm trying to keep them nice

for the re-sale.

Bear, you do know you can't

sell a car you don't own.

Don't own yet, my friend.

Don't own yet.

104 more payments,

and this baby is all mine.

Hey.

Not so close to the car,

fat boy!

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