Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life Page #3

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Come here, Calvin.

Come here, boy.

You're a good boy.

Don't listen to that mean man.

Come here.

You did that on purpose.

So sue me.

I wish mom knew

what a butt wipe you are.

Hey.

Butt wipes feel pretty good.

Who doesn't love

a butt wipe, huh?

Everyone loves a butt wipe.

So I guess the joke is on you.

No.

The joke's on you.

Huh?

Eh...

Hey. Oh, hey. What's up, man?

Oh, cool. You found it.

Oh, no.

Don't read the card

because then things are gonna

get sappy or whatever,

and I hate that.

So just open the present.

All right.

I figured your other one,

may it rest in peace,

was almost full, so you

probably need another one.

It's awesome, man.

Thank you. But...

I mean, all my best stuff

was in my last sketch book.

Comics, inventions.

Expertly drawn b*obs.

Those were realistic.

I think.

I hope.

But the Vinlothians. Like...

You made the star cruiser.

You made their planet.

You even came up

with their battle cry.

What was it?

Grak-tung.

Grak-freakin'-tung!

All right.

And, like, their language.

Their star cruiser night club.

Shh!

Could you lower your voice,

please?

What for?

I said, "shh."

What?

Okay, you don't want them

to know I'm here.

Yeah. No offense, but mom doesn't

think you're the best influence.

Oh, okay. Well, she's not

wrong about that.

Okay, Rafe.

Back to the book thing.

Are you ready

for the greatest idea

in the history of ideas?

Dwight trashed your book, right?

So, you trash his.

Yeah, I guess

that could be kind of fun.

We'd take the shredder

from the back...

No, no, no.

We don't wanna shred

the rule book.

You wanna shred

the actual rules.

Every stupid rule

in this dumb code of conduct.

Leo, are you kidding me?

And get kicked out of another school?

I would be disowned.

No, you won't.

You wanna know why?

'Cause we're gonna be careful and

nobody's gonna know it's us.

So you're saying

we do it anonymously?

Exactly!

It is up to us to speak

for the voiceless,

to be vigilantes for freedom.

We've got eight weeks before

Dwight tries to measure our worth

on a bunch of bubbles

on a Scantron.

I'm sick of people

trying to suck the fun

out of childhood.

Let's stop the suck!

Let's show them that

we don't give a...

What rhymes with suck?

Nothing good.

So?

Let's stick it to the man.

Yeah!

Hi!

Hi, mom.

Uh... look at you. You're all

dressed and ready for school.

What's going on?

Uh, I'm just excited

to get to school early.

Really?

Yeah. Of course.

There's something

sticking on your shoe.

What is this?

What is this?

No. No.

Oh, wow.

Hey, Gus.

Gus!

Yes?

Whoever did this

was committed to their art.

Get to class.

This is not a gallery.

And that's not art.

Move it.

"Rules aren't for everyone."

What did you just say?

"Rules aren't for everyone."

Rule number 11,

"no loitering."

Move it, people.

Grak-tung!

Hey, Miller!

Hey!

What are you staring at,

crap-a-dukian?

Nothing.

Uh-oh. You know

what that is?

That's the kickter scale,

and it's acting up.

You know, it's still a good day.

Okay, everybody.

Time for our daily dose

of morning propaganda.

Rules, regulations, respect.

Rules. Regulations. Respect.

Principal Dwight?

Principal Dwight?

We're live.

Oh, my god.

Good morning, hills village.

You may have noticed

on your way into school today

that many surfaces were covered

in brightly-colored

pieces of paper.

This was a horrible act

of vandalism.

Rest assured,

I will find the hooligans

who defaced our school

in this manner.

And when I find them,

they'll be sorry

because I will

punish them in ways

that I haven't even

dreamed up yet.

There will be

no further distractions

to our b.L.A.A.R

preparation.

The microphone

is on the Fritz, sir.

You may wanna wrap it up.

I... Like... My... Big... But...

Do... You... Like...

My... Big... But...

Oh, my god.

Remember what I always say,

do whatever I tell you,

every single time.

I thought that went all right.

I can tell you want my '65

Shelby cobra, but guess what?

It's mine.

I won it.

I won it.

And then you took it.

No.

You won it with my money.

So technically, it's mine.

Plus, I beat you

at speed of light.

Boo-yah!

Hey, look!

It's a talking bear!

Why do you insist

on calling me that?

You know my name is Carl.

Carl.

Well, a,

"Carl" rhymes with "snarl,"

which is something bears do.

And, b, you're, like,

abnormally hairy.

Just hurry up, all right?

Game of thrones

starts in 10 minutes.

And if I miss the recap,

I'm totally screwed.

Wait, but we haven't even

had dessert yet.

That's the best part!

You better change your mindset on

this whole dessert thing, all right?

Or you're gonna end up

as fat as your dog.

That's probably

why you're so farty.

Your face is farty.

And Calvin giggles

is just big-boned.

Just chew so we can

get out of here, huh?

Hi, folks, I'm Dana.

I'll be taking over for Sandy.

Her shift just ended.

Would you like me

to bring the check?

Yes.

No.

I thought you were in a hurry.

Yeah.

A hurry to get you adorable kids

the best dessert Dave and

buster's has to offer, huh?

Got my friend's kids

with me today.

Did you just say

your "friend's kids"?

Tell you what. Just get whatever you

guys want for dessert, all right?

Provided it's not caviar, huh?

I'll go grab the dessert menus.

All right! Dessert. She's

gonna grab the dessert menus.

All right, here's the deal.

I am gonna go take a dump.

Ew.

Don't screw anything up,

all right?

Oh!

There we go.

That's the stuff.

Salt and pepper. Nice!

Hey, slow down!

Where you going, huh?

I just wanna get

some honey, honey.

Oh, honey?

I got your honey right here.

All right!

Oh, what the... ow!

Ah! What is that smell?

This gets me so mad!

I have an idea.

Let's pee in his Cologne.

No, we can't do that.

That would be way too much

of an improvement.

Why are there so many jerks

in my life right now?

I don't know.

Whoa! It looks like

we've just received

a generous donation

from one of them.

What?

Is that...

Yep.

Bear's credit card number.

How nice of bear

to fund phase two

of operation

rules aren't for everyone.

And maybe some new kicks.

Forget drawing.

You may be missing your calling

as an electrical engineer.

Or a bank robber.

Seriously, I think I'm learning

more by breaking the rules

than I ever have by preparing

for some dumb test.

Oh, no! No!

Dude.

I can't believe people

are actually into our work.

Bro. We're trending, Rafe!

This is the work of the legends.

Hey.

Done.

I wish there was one person

who I could share all this with.

What, like, besides me?

No way! Way too risky, man.

Like, come on!

"Dear diary, I'm a loser."

It's not a...

Diary.

Later, khatcha-borian.

Dream of Jeanne.

Can I have one?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Dream of Jeanne.

Thanks.

Hey, you're that guy.

No, I'm not.

The guy who clapped

for my speech?

Oh, yeah! That was me.

I'm Rafe.

Bam. That's one vote.

That was easy.

Can you believe

that something this cool

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