Mighty Aphrodite

Woe unto man.

Brave Achilles,

slain in trial by blood...

for prize,

the bride of Menelaus.

And father of Antigone,

ruler of Thebes,

self-rendered sightless

by lust for expiation.

Lost victim

of bewildered desire.

Nor has Jason's wife

fared better.

Giving life only to reclaim it

in vengeful fury.

For to understand

the ways of the heart...

is to grasp as clearly the malice

or ineptitude of the gods,

who, in their vain and clumsy labors

to create a flawless surrogate,

have left mankind

but dazed and incomplete.

Take, for instance,

the case of Lenny Weinrib,

a tale as Greek and timeless

as fate itself.

- Lenny, let's have a baby.

- Hey!

A baby? Why? Because she's pregnant,

you want to have a baby?

- No. It's a great idea.

- You could raise your own middleweight.

- I don't want a middleweight.

- Flyweight.

- No, it'd be fun.

- Have you ever had children?

- No, I've never had children.

- Why not?

What do you mean, "why not?" 'Cause my

first wife didn't want to have a child.

- Then I never remarried really, so--

- Oh, that's great.

- What am I, chopped liver?

- Until now.

- Yeah?

- I never-- You didn't let me finish.

- No, you'd forgotten.

- Now you've changed your mind.

You didn't want to have a child.

- You should have kids.

- It's like stereo. Give him a break.

- You don't want a kid?

- Oh, we--

When we first met, she didn't like

the beach; she hated the Hamptons;

she didn't want to have kids;

she loved the Upper East Side,

she didn't want to move.

Now suddenly she's making noise about

having a kid and moving to Tribeca.

- Only if the gallery moves downtown.

- Well, being pregnant is great.

- Yeah?

- I love it. You get treated

like the Queen of England.

- Sure.

- You say that like it's a good thing.

- Well, I like the pampering.

- She does like it.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, it's fantastic.

I can't give up the time

right now.

There are too many exciting things

happening in my business.

- So let me ask you a question.

- What?

How do you plan to swing it without

being pregnant? I'm curious.

- Good question. Very good question.

- No, it's easy.

- We'll adopt. Oh, well.

- Mmm.

- Not me. I don't want to adopt.

- There you go.

- Why not? That's a good idea.

- No. No.

- You must be nuts. With, with my genes?

- Yeah?

- To adopt? I have award-winning genes.

- Oh, God.

- I want to pass them on.

- No, that's crazy. No, the--

It's for the same reason

we don't lease a car, okay?

- 'Cause it's pride of ownership.

- Okay.

- And I don't want to adopt a child.

- No. Look, I'm sorry, Lenny.

It's crazy 'cause the world

is full of needy kids.

- You know, she's right.

- That's true.

- I know, but that-- You know, but I--

- No, I mean it.

Why overpopulate the world when there

are thousands of parent-less kids?

Just because you don't want

to get morning sickness, right?

- No, it's not true.

- That's why you want to adopt a kid.

I just can't afford

to give up a year just now.

Forget it. Subject is closed.

I don't wanna--

I'd be afraid that

I might get a bad seed.

- Oh, you're paranoid.

- Oh, come on.

That's right! What-- You read that

in the tabloids all the time.

- No. A bad seed.

- That's right.

Yeah, we adopt some sweet little boy,

and then he turns 13,

we'd go to sleep at night,

he'd split our head open with an axe.

Listen, why'd you have to

go and tell him that? You know

Lenny's got a vivid imagination.

- It's a common occurrence.

- I read the same paper.

What do you want me to tell you?

Anyway, what do you mean "he"?

Why can't we adopt a girl?

- We're not adopting anything.

I want no sex.

- A little girl.

Let the guy have a short stop

or a point guard, will ya?

Can we get a check? Can we--

Can we please get out of here?

I'll take the check.

I'm paying tonight.

- Yes.

- You? I'm stunned.

You pay, you break your record.

You-- One more and you break

DiMaggio's record-- 56 straight.

That's not true.

Now, be nice.

Laius, proud father, speak.

I, with joy,

did have a son...

so fair, so clearheaded

and brave,

that I a thousand pleasures

did derive from his presence.

So what happens?

One day he kills me.

And don't you think,

he runs off and marries my wife.

Poor Oedipus, king of Thebes.

My son, my son

did slay unwittingly...

my noble husband...

and did, without realizing,

hasten with me,

his loving mother,

to lustful bed.

And a whole profession

was born...

charging sometimes

and a 50-minute hour

at that.

And why a child now, out of left field?

One hopes it's not to fill

some growing void in their marriage.

Leave her be.

A woman's urge to motherhood

is old as the earth.

Children grow up;

they move out.

Sometimes to ridiculous places

like Cincinnati...

or Boise, Idaho.

Then you never see them again.

You'd think once in a while

they'd pick up a phone.

But is there a growing void

in the Weinrib's marriage?

We didn't say there was.

We're all just speculating

on possible motives.

Children are serious stuff.

Look, here's a man

who killed his father...

and slept with his mother.

I hate to tell you what they

call my son in Harlem.

Hello.

- There's a baby we can adopt.

- Are you serious?

I spoke to Carolyn Hester

and she's found an infant for us.

- But we have to act quickly.

- I don't want a kid.

Well, Lenny, you know

how hard it is.

And look, the baby's

one day old, totally healthy.

Unwed mother, no diseases.

And it's a boy.

You wanted a boy.

Amanda, I can't get

into this with you now.

This is not the place

to have this discussion.

I told Carolyn to be on the lookout.

She's experienced with adoptions.

She knows what she's doing.

It's a boy, healthy, born this morning.

No strings,

if we act quickly.

Le-- Look, I-- I gotta

put my foot down.

I-I-- If you want to

discuss this another time, we can.

But if you gotta have a fast answer,

it's definitely "no."

- Hi! Hi.

- You got his head?

- He's adorable.

- Yes. Oh, God.

This is great. This kid is never

going to be a fighter, you know.

I gotta run out and get some weights

because he's really light as a feather.

- Yeah, perhaps I should have him back.

- Hi.

Yeah. Maybe you better

hold him 'cause he's crying.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- He's crying.

- Okay. Okay. It's okay. It's okay.

- That's a good boy.

- That's so great.

If there's any greatness in my hands,

let it pass into your body.

- Get a grip on yourself.

- This kid is gonna be a great kid!

- Oh, yeah.

- He's fabulous!

- You're okay now.

- What do you wanna call him?

- Oh, this is unbelievable. Yeah.

- Call him?

- Oh, wh-- what about Eric?

- Eric? The kid's not a Viking.

I wanna call him, name him,

you know, for one of my heroes.

- Like what?

- I don't know. What about Groucho?

- Groucho? Oh, get real.

- No, I'm serious.

It's a great-- You know.

I-- I don't know. What--

What about Phineas?

Do you like Phineas?

Phineas?

Are you joking?

Phineas is the guy who

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