Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates

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Oh, no, oh, no

Ahhh, oh, no, ahhh, oh, no

Ahhh, oh, no

No, she don't mess around

No, she don't mess around

100% blue agave.

Taste it.

Look, Mike, I like you.

But no one's looking

for another brand of tequila.

They've got the three... What is it?

The Cuervo, the other one,

and the third one.

And they don't need more tequila.

- If I can't sell it, it's not gonna sell.

- People want the new-new.

- The "new-new"?

- The "new-new."

They want that new-new.

No!

What if I could sell this tequila

to a customer?

- Would I have your order then?

- Yeah, sure.

And I'm just gonna pick a customer

at random.

Excuse me, sir.

Do you enjoy the taste of tequila?

Why, yes, I do.

But I only drink my particular brand,

and you will not convince me otherwise.

- It's a perfect candidate.

- Because it's your brother!

I know that's your brother.

He dated my niece.

Look, mate, I don't know your niece.

- Okay.

- But if I did...

I'd say she was a little clingy,

and she'd freak a lot of people out.

We play Wards With Friends

together, right?

- Dave, right?

- Name's Rick. Just got in from Melbourne.

His name's Rick.

I know he's your brother.

Look, look, look.

You guys are funny, you're weird.

We do this every couple weeks...

All right, I'll take 10 cases.

- F***, yes!

- Yes!

Yes! I knew it!

- We sold your ass, Randy!

- I don't know if that's what happened.

- It was the hat, right?

- Was it the hat?

I just found this over there.

Do something crazy

Live like it's Mardi Gras

And go jump, make the party start

Don't need no R&R

To regular life, I say Au revoir

Yay! Living life in the fast lane

Now your pain only be champagne

So please come join me

One thing, good vibes only

Start the keg, I'mma fill my cup

Got fireworks, got booze

Let's blow some sh*t up

Tonight I'm going stupid

Doing things I've never done

We all got one thing in common

We just wanna have fun

Do something crazy

Okay

Do something crazy

Do what you wanna do

Do something crazy

I'm about to do

I'm about to do

Do something crazy

Do something crazy

Do something wild

Rolling with the homies

Chicks by my side

Live for the moment

All of the time

Turn up the music

Only good vibes

Sorry to throw the accent at you, bro.

No, dude. I loved it,

and it kept me in the now.

Do you realize that that sale puts us

at number three in the office?

The Stangle bros are killing it right now!

It's not an actual hat.

They just call it a jimmy hat.

If you wear two, they break.

- It's an urban legend...

- No, it's not.

Mom, Dad?

Jeanie. Eric.

Don't freak out.

I don't want you to freak out.

Just come on in.

Why don't we all just sit down?

We gotta talk to you.

We wanna discuss

Jeanie and Eric's wedding.

- Oh! Sweet.

- Okay.

Are you guys thinking DJ or band?

First thought, band, right?

No. People want to hear the real songs.

You don't want to hear a guy

singing Beyonc.

You just want to hear Beyonc.

Oh.

Yeah, but we want to talk about...

is you two.

Now, over the years...

a theme has emerged

at our family gatherings.

Everyone's having a good time...

- That's right.

- Things are going smoothly.

Party time.

And then you two show up...

stag...

and you hit on girls...

you act like idiots...

and you ruin it.

Ruin it.

- What? We are not party ruiners!

- Mm-mm.

We're party creators!

And besides, when have we ever

ruined a family event?

Ah!

We thought you might say that.

Yep, here we go. And we just stream it.

Apple TV.

We just need your password.

- Bryan's baby dick 69.

- Yeah.

Bryan's baby dick 69.

What the f***, guys? Really?

- Got it. Yep.

- Is that it?

Good.

Happy Fourth of July!

Oh, sh*t!

It was fun up to that point.

God damn it! My trailer!

Oh, sh*t.

Actually, this is what

we're trying to avoid.

- The both of you are f***ing idiots.

- F***ing losers!

Grandpa, wake up! Take his tie.

Are you saying we had something to do

with Grandfather's death? Hmm?

He died five years after that!

That is a lot of guilt to put us.

Shame on you.

Plus, this video only shows the screw-ups.

Where's the epic tracking

shots of smiling faces?

And everybody looking at us, just going...

"God, I love Mike and Dave.

"They made this whole party worth it."

When are the two of you going to grow up?

This shtick was cute for a while...

but it's gotten stale.

Mom, come on, what are you...

You're talking about us like

we're a couple of losers or something.

What we don't want you to do is

go chasing girls and get out of control.

- You understand?

- Wait, we can still talk to girls, right?

- You can each talk to one girl.

- The girls that you bring to the wedding.

- What do you mean?

- I want you to bring a date.

- That's two dates.

- You want us to bring dates to a wedding?

- Excuse me?

- Are you allowed to do that?

Nice, respectable, smart girls!

Keep you in line.

- What the f***?

- What?

- Are you insane?

- Oh, you're kidding.

You are not screwing up this wedding.

Do you hear me?

Mom, do you hear this river of horse sh*t

coming out of Dad's mouth?

We don't want you showing up stag

and riling each other up!

- We don't rile each other up!

- We never get riled up!

- I don't get riled!

- He doesn't and I don't, either!

Look at you right now! You're riled!

- Take your head out of your ass, Dad!

- You sound insane right now.

Everybody stop yelling! Okay?

You guys bringing wedding dates

was my idea.

Look, I love the sh*t out of you guys.

But everyone is already stressed out

about this wedding...

and I just need you to be cool.

Of course, Jeanie!

Please?

For me?

I promise. We would never do anything

to mess up your wedding.

Jeanie, we love you.

We want this to be

the best day of your life.

Yeah.

You, too, Eric.

- Oh.

- Oh. Thank you.

Mostly you, though, Jeanie.

If you want us to bring dates,

we're bringing dates.

All right, it's settled then.

Wedding dates!

Dave, buddy, let me talk to you

for a second, okay? Listen.

I'm sorry to lump you in with Mike...

but if I only told your older brother

to bring a date...

he'd get all weird about it.

I just feel like he's holding you back.

Dad, I don't mind

being lumped in with Mike.

Do you remember

the fifth grade bake sale...

when Mom made those cupcakes...

and I called them moist?

- Mm-hmm.

- Everyone called me Moist...

till Mike took a cupcake...

and shoved it in Tom Ginty's face.

He said, "Now you're moist, Moist."

That's the kind of guy Mike is.

So, think on that...

Dad.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to end that

on such a weird note, Dad.

- I love you. And thanks.

- Good. I don't want you to be mad.

I'm not even mad. I'm not even upset.

We're gonna find some dates.

I gotta say, some nights,

I am not looking my best.

But tonight is not one of those nights!

- Do you like my hair?

- Yeah, girl.

- You look good.

- No.

We're gonna make a lot of tips tonight.

Good. We need it. We don't have any money.

Uh, you got money for this ride, don't you?

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