Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates Page #2

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- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah!

- 'Cause you have money?

- I thought you had money.

- I don't have any money.

- You know I don't have money.

Yeah, y'all are whispering like people

that don't got money.

Check it out. I'mma pay you right now.

Boop. I Apple Paid.

I don't even have Apple Pay.

Yo, Siri, pay this man.

He's already paid.

God damn it!

I'm not gonna take sh*t from you,

because this my cab.

You shouldn't take sh*t from us.

- You should kick us out!

- You should kick us out of this cab.

You know what? I'm gonna kick you

the f*** out of this cab.

Yeah, just go three more blocks up

on the right...

and then kick us out!

Here we are! Get out of my cab.

Thank you. You're a really good person.

Okay, God bless you.

I'm just gonna start driving for Uber.

F*** it.

Ooh. I got a good idea.

Let's pop off, get a couple of drinks

before work.

Just a few,

because I don't want to get hammered.

Yeah, of course not. Just a light buzz.

Hey, hey, hey! Welcome to Sake Bombers...

where your first Sake Bomb is on us!

- Kaboom!

- You're drunk, Alice.

You're doing that thing

where you're whispering,

but you're really yelling.

Because I'm upset with you.

Oh, what the hell?

I don't understand why you just

started yelling at me for no reason.

- What the hell is going on here?

- Your little buddy is sh*t-faced.

Straight up.

Her fianc just left her at the altar.

She's been going through a hard time.

- Are you guys talking about me?

- No, baby girl.

You know how many times

I have come in here...

and she is drunk off her f***ing ass,

dancing on the tables?

Only when Rihanna comes on,

because it's my jam.

I am a strong independent woman.

And I will get on a table

and shake my sh*t to RiRi.

Because it's my right. America!

Feminism!

You just push your tits up

and say feminism?

Yeah. Read a Twitter.

# 2016. Women can do sh*t now.

Don't do that!

Who put her jam on?

Queen RiRi, forever!

I'm really sorry that I got us fired.

I'm just sort of surprised

it didn't happen sooner...

- but I'm still really sorry.

- Hey!

Alice, you do not apologize

right now, okay?

You didn't do one thing wrong.

- Okay.

- People need to get in line with you.

Right. You're right.

Alice, why are you watching

your wedding video?

And Alice... do you take Luke?

I do.

Because it's therapeutic.

The more I watch it, the less I feel.

And do you, Luke, take Alice?

I do...

not.

Oh, man. F*** you, Luke.

Oh, f*** that guy.

F*** him right in his dick.

No!

Because now I'm picturing his dick

getting f***ed by another dick.

And it makes me want to protect it.

Oh, my God, girl! Damn!

You're better than this. Come on!

We're T and A!

Where's the Alice who made

vodka pot brownies with me...

for the junior high science fair?

Or gave us water balloon tits and we won

that wet T-shirt contest in Mexico?

Oh, yeah, they were so nice.

I know, dude. We need that sh*t.

I'm tired of living like this.

We need an adventure.

We've got a great little package

we're selling here, man.

A week in a tropical paradise...

with two fun-loving,

yet surprisingly well-read bros?

Yeah.

I read most of the Goosebumps series,

and so did you.

Yeah.

Where do I sign up?

Dude, focus.

- Okay.

- This is for Jeanie.

So to find the perfect fun, but nice girls,

we're gonna have to meet a lot of them.

The Internet!

That's a good idea.

Match.com, Tinder...

Grindr, OkCupid.

Craigslist!

Craigslist?

Craigslist, you think,

that's where you go to meet nice girls?

Dave?

We met this couch on Craigslist.

And you wuv this couch, don't you?

I do love that couch.

I'm gonna unlock the swag on this b*tch.

All right.

Here you go. Just take a little sip.

Take a little nip-a-roo.

Boom!

Do you think anyone's even really gonna

see this?

God, I hope so.

Like max, what do you think?

We're gonna get, like, five or six dates

out of this, or what?

I'd be happy with that.

Hey.

Did you see this thing

that Shelly's sending around the office?

It's a free trip to Hawaii!

Look what someone posted to my Facebook.

- I gotta tweet this out.

- Those guys are cute.

Ala-hat!

- I got the one on the right.

- I like the one on the right.

Oh, I got the one on the right.

I like the one on the right.

- We gotta send this to everyone.

- Let's all apply!

- I want to go to Hawaii.

- I just emailed them.

Let's just meet them, give 'em a chance.

So, you guys want to go to a wedding?

Uh, what are your names?

Do you guys have names?

Basically we were looking through

Craigslist for work.

Oh, you're both...

Prostitutes.

Whatever. Take us to Hawaii!

Hawaii!

We can't take you.

No way.

Did you guys say something about

an all-expenses-paid trip to Hawaii?

It's just for girls.

That's not a deal breaker.

Hi, my name is Lauralie...

and I'm kind of new to this.

Yeah.

You're new to...

Online dating. Yeah.

I'm not really looking

for a heteronormative relationship.

- You look like a Nike swoosh.

- Goddamn right, I do.

I work at a dog shelter.

Our sister loves dogs.

I wanna make sure

they get really good homes.

What's a good home?

The white homes.

- The what homes?

- The white homes.

Like white people.

Check, please.

This isn't lipstick.

This is a tattoo, you dumb f***.

Who are you laughing at? Who?

All right, look, here's the deal.

I went through a divorce, like,

three weeks ago. I need a vacation.

No.

Okay, you guys sure

you don't want to f***?

- What?

- Nothing.

- What did you say?

- Nothing.

Sounded like you said,

"Do you wanna f***?"

Do you wanna f***?

- What?

- What?

- What?

- You guys...

- Do you want me to f*** you?

- No.

- No.

- I didn't say it, but...

- I'll suck your dick right now. What?

- What?

Welcome back.

I'm here with Mike and Dave Stangle...

who posted an ad on Craigslist...

looking for dates

for their sister's wedding...

in Oahu, Hawaii.

Well, the ad went viral.

Mm-hmm.

It racked up over 6,000 responses...

from women who actually wanted to go.

Yeah, well, who's counting?

You know, I guess we all are.

Is this my close-up?

You guys, come on. Craigslist?

Honestly, this is about

finding nice girls...

to go with us to Hawaii

for our sister's wedding.

And I just want to reiterate...

we're footing the bill for this

because we're gentlemen.

- Free trip to Hawaii?

- I'm awake!

- Come on. Craigslist.

- What's up?

That's where you go

to buy old patio furniture.

You know what else you can find

on Craigslist?

Mm-hmm.

- Love.

- Mm-mm.

That's right. I said it.

- Love.

- That one seems sweet.

He has a kind soul.

Yeah, and he's also super hot.

Yeah, he's hot as f***ing balls.

But just to repeat,

we're looking for nice girls.

Like, girls that our mom and our sister

would like.

Okay, look, dude, we are going to Hawaii.

Let's go on vacation.

But it's not a vacation. It's a wedding.

Do you really think a wedding's

the best place for me?

Since the last wedding I went to

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