Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates Page #3

---

was mine...

and it didn't turn out very well.

I hear you, but look...

this sh*t is why this sh*t

is perfect, okay?

Because ever since Luke left,

you haven't been the same.

You need to get over that,

once and for all.

And this our shot, man.

That dude,

he's gonna get your groove back.

This right here is an opportunity

of a lifetime...

and you know we are entrepreneurs.

You know what?

Let's make these guys take us to Hawaii!

You're right! Let's do it!

Let's just do it!

- Yes, b*tch.

- Let's f***ing do it!

We'll be right back.

We gonna go to Hawaii!

We gonna go to Hawaii!

Whoa! Whoa!

- Hold up!

- What?

Those boys said they wanted nice girls.

We don't look like nice girls.

Yeah, I guess

I haven't showered in a while.

Fine, well, you know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna look respectable as f***.

Like nice girls.

Ugh.

Dude, it's like that Jesus rag!

Ow! It's part of me.

Tatiana, your underwear

needs more underwears.

Whoa!

Oh, this dress is my b*tch!

Dude, we have met 37 insane women.

We can't bring any of these girls.

Maybe Dad'll just forget about

his ultimatum.

Why would Dad forget about an old tomato?

No, his ultimatum.

- Old tom...

- Ultimatum.

Are you saying "old tomato"?

Ultima-tomb. Like a tomb or a crypt.

Ultimatum.

Well, we gotta figure something out,

because the wedding's coming up quick.

Why is everything a competition with you?

And I said that first, so actually,

I won that.

So what time are we meeting them?

Technically, no time.

Yeah, because I was thinking about

emailing them...

but then I was thinking, um...

what kind of floozy-ass bimbo

would respond to that ad?

Um...

Us.

Yeah, but we're not like those idiots.

You know what I'm saying?

Because they're all like,

"Oh! Pick me, pick me!"

it's like the guys interviewing the girls.

Like, it immediately would put us

in an inferior position.

We're gonna flip the script

and Bachelorette that sh*t.

- Those guys would be lucky to have us.

- Right.

- We just gotta make them think so.

- Okay, right.

But, you know,

I'm really not good at lying...

because I always try to start small

and then it gets crazy...

and I make-up stuff

that couldn't possibly be true.

Baby, you can do this.

Let's practice, okay?

Okay.

- Um, what do you like to do?

- Drink.

Just sweet teas.

Sweet teas and biscuits on blimps.

All right, straight up,

you don't have to do an accent.

I was doing an accent?

And definitely don't bring up blimps.

Sh*t! They're leaving.

If it was a competition, I won it.

All right, don't worry.

It's all part of the plan.

- Is it?

- Oh, yeah.

What does that mean? What plan?

I don't know this part of the plan...

Whoa! Ahh!

Oh, f***!

Tatiana! Oh!

Holy sh*t.

Babe. Are you okay?

I'm okay. Yell, "She can't breathe!"

She can't breathe!

She can't breathe! Somebody help her!

Somebody give her CPR!

- She can't breathe!

- I know CPR!

- Great!

- I was a volunteer EMT!

Hey, don't worry.

My brother's got this, okay?

I took a class. I know what I'm doing.

- She has a weak heart!

- Ma'am?

- Ma'am?

- She has a weak heart.

I'm an EMT. I'm like a doctor, basically.

I'm here to save your f***ing life, okay?

- She's my only friend!

- That's her only friend, Mike!

We got a pulse! Okay.

Don't let her die!

Don't you f***ing let her die, Mike!

Just shut the f*** up, Dave!

You, too, shut up!

Both of you, shut up! Okay?

I'm gonna save her life!

Plug the nose.

Oh!

Are you okay?

I am now.

- I saved her life!

- She's okay!

- She's okay?

- I saved her life!

Thank you! Thank you!

- You're under arrest.

- She hit my car!

No, you guys, I'm totally fine, really.

It happens all the time.

That was a vicious hit.

We should take you to the hospital.

It's crazy.

It's almost like I owe you my life.

- Almost.

- Yeah. Technically, yeah.

- Let me help you with that ice.

- I do.

Oh, no.

Seems like it's going pretty well

with your guy.

Dude, I'm f***ing crushing it! So hard!

Check this out. The kids in my class

are gonna love this story.

I'm a school teacher.

You're a school teacher? Wow.

Oop. I think they spelt "frittata"

wrong on the menu.

I always notice words and spelling...

because I'm a teacher...

and that's what I do.

- That's...

- So, Alice, um, what do you do?

Manage a hedge fund.

You manage a hedge fund?

I don't even know what a hedge fund is.

Oh. So there's a regular fund,

and then there's a hedge fund.

And our fund...

Uh, we hedge it.

We hedge it hard.

Oh, wow.

I get in, in the morning, and I'm like...

"How's the hedging coming?

You been hedging? You hedged much?"

And it's like, too big to fail.

Corporate greed, bailouts.

In a New York minute,

everything can change.

On the floor of the NASDAQ and the U.N.

And then, Fannie Mae.

Bernie Mac and D.L. Hughley...

- Alice, you want some water?

- Yeah.

- That's so smart.

- That is.

"But what I do have...

"is a particular set of skills.

"Skills I have acquired

over a very long career.

"Skills that make me a nightmare

for people like you."

Click. That's it.

That was amazing.

It was like Dave was not even here...

and I was just standing in a bar

with Liam Neeson.

Like, "Hello, Liam Neeson's over here."

You're a professional comedian

or something?

What? No. I sell liquor with my brother.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

- I do like to draw.

- Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I have drawings here

I could show you.

Oh, sh*t, not that. Sorry.

Here. So, they're like The Avengers...

but they're different types of alcohol.

So, you have Tequila,

and then he's got his pet worm right there.

And his name is Lil' Mez.

Because he'll "Mez" you up.

The next one right there, that's Gin.

When he flips his cap off,

dawg, he's just like...

"Yo, I'll pop you off. Guaranteed.

One knock."

Done. Next, Whiskey.

Likes to make moonshine and kill bad guys.

Dude, this is objectively amazing.

Thanks.

What's the hardest thing

about being a teacher?

I don't know.

Oh, um...

The hardest thing about being a teacher...

is teaching cursive.

That's awesome.

- What about you?

- Yeah?

- Are you seeing anyone?

- No.

My ex is gone. Long gone.

What do you mean?

He died. Of cancer.

Oh, my God.

And AIDS.

He died twice?

And then he died in a plane crash, so...

Whoo! That's a lot to take in.

I know!

Thank you.

Thank you, brotha.

Dude.

We should take these girls

to the wedding. Right?

Mine's a sexy school teacher...

and yours... hedges funds.

- Just keep doing sexy eyes.

- Okay.

Keep doing sexy eyes.

I like Alice.

And she's smart, she's funny, she's weird.

We invite these girls to the wedding,

suddenly we're not losers.

We're winners!

Here they come. They're coming.

Hey, uh, this might sound crazy...

but our little sister is getting married

in Hawaii...

and we wanted to know

if you guys wanted to come with.

- Um...

- Um...

Can you just give us a second to...

Of course.

Okay, so just whisper

like we're talking it over...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes